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#267287 - 12/15/08 02:09 PM Dealing with Bullying
jacob77 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/19/05
Posts: 37
Loc: Northern CA
Most of my life I've been bullied either in school or on the bus. I even moved from Nashville,TN to San Francisco,CA and even experienced it here on the bus and metro train. This triggers my depression severly. I need to clarify here: I am a Christian man who struggles with homosexuality,so when people call me 'fag' I want to scream or lunge at them. I am now in my late forties.
I know these people are idiots or fools but that doesn't seem to help much nor does it help to ignore them.
If anyone has any wisdom in this area I'd appreciate it.



Edited by jacob77 (12/16/08 02:43 PM)
Edit Reason: clarification
_________________________
I am good enough.

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#267290 - 12/15/08 02:47 PM . [Re: jacob77]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 06:57 PM)

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#267314 - 12/15/08 05:42 PM Re: Dealing with Bullying [Re: bardo213]
Stretch73 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/08
Posts: 336
Loc: Sea Isle City, NJ
1. Your Boss the Bully.

Unfortunately, people in power positions often have issues. The Classic Bully Boss displays micro-managing tendencies, is self-absorbed, controlling, and narcissistic. He will lie through his teeth and try to put the blame on you when things fall through the cracks. You can't trust a bully like this as far as you can throw him.

Solution: Never lose faith in your own abilities, no matter what crap this person is dishing. Communicate with your bullying boss as little as possible; if you must speak, toss a few compliments his or her way through your teeth. Then, get to work building up alliances with everyone else except for this person, including his boss. You will quickly learn that your bullying boss bullies everyone, not just you. Hey, with any luck maybe you can get him fired!

2. Your Parent the Bully.

Having a parent who is manipulative and hurtful is one of the toughest things to deal with in life. Growing up with a bully in the family can mean that you're forever caught in the Wrong... even when you know you're right. A bullying parent uses passive-aggressive tricks to turn you into a fighter by nature... forever on the defensive!

Solution: The first thing you must do to preserve your sanity is get away from them as soon as you can. Move out on your own as soon as you're of age. The next step is to suggest they seek help. If they refuse, which is likely as bullies typically live in total denial, you are simply going to have to behaviorally control them. That means that every time you're in their presence and they start picking fights and playing mind games with you, just leave. EVERY single time. Tell them that you will not tolerate them behaving in an infantile manner, and then make yourself scarce. If these incidents make you feel upset, seek shelter with a loving and understanding friend who can play the role of supportive nurturer where your parent does not. Above all, never feel guilty, no matter what the bullying parent tells you. You have done nothing wrong!

3. Your Partner the Bully.

This is a tough one. Why would you ever think of dating someone who is unreasonable... or worse, find yourself married to them! People who end up permanently attached to controlling personalities probably were heavily influenced by someone in their family who was probably also a bully.

Solution: If you feel that your spouse or partner is forever turning the tables on you, backing you into conversation traps, and generally sucking the life out of you, go talk to a counselor and get some insight into your own personality. Find out what makes you tick, and why something that happened in your past might be causing you to seek approval from someone who will never give it. When you feel strong enough to stand on your own two feet, suggest that the Bully also seek help in the form of therapy. If they continue to refuse, you must leave them, no two ways about it. This isn't easy, especially if you're raising a family together, but that's what you must do. Seek advice and support from loving friends and other family members, and of course your therapist.

You are in no way indebted to any other human being in your life other than you. You are free to go. If someone is trying to control you, just run! Run far, far away. Seek professional help. Learn to love yourself and live a life without guilt and strife. You can do it!


If all else fails, don't go "postal." Just call me and I'll come out there and protect you! Deal is this; at some point, you need to get out from behind me and stand on your own two feet. Sound good?

Rich

_________________________
"I was so poor growing up, that if I wasn't born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with." Rodney Dangerfield

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#267323 - 12/15/08 06:56 PM Re: Dealing with Bullying [Re: jacob77]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
One of the things that helped me was that when I sensed someone was going to bully me I'd start to act like I was really pissed off about something and like I was on a war path. Sometimes those bullies think its probably not worth it to mess with a certain person if they look like they're ready to tear something up. This can help you continue to feel like your in control. Not of others, but of yourself.

I used to get bullied all my life. I work on a sales floor full of bullies and it no longer bothers me. A lot of times, once you stand up to one, they'll leave you alone. Other times, they'll keep it up but then that is when it's good to give them the old broken record routine.

Some of my favorites that helped me:

"GET OFF MY ASS!"
"YOU WORRY ABOUT YOU AND I'LL WORRY ABOUT ME!"
"THINK WHAT YOU WANT, I COULD CARE LESS!"
"I DON'T NEED TO LIE TO YOU BECAUSE I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK"
"YOU FEEL BETTER NOW?" with a smirk.

These helped me. Maybe you could think of a few that you like to put in your arsenal for the next time someone wants to be an overbearing asshole. It seems to me that an asshole will cross over the line as far and as long as you will let him.

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#267427 - 12/16/08 02:45 PM Re: Dealing with Bullying [Re: endlessjourney]
jacob77 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/19/05
Posts: 37
Loc: Northern CA
Thanx, that helped a lot.
Jacob

_________________________
I am good enough.

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#267434 - 12/16/08 03:23 PM Re: Dealing with Bullying [Re: jacob77]
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
I know exactly how you feel. Because I was always thin and weak I was always bullied and like you, it kicks my depression into high gear. Because of my experiences I too have issues with my sexuality. Engageing them has never yielded good results for me. Someone told me that realizing that the "enemy," "satan," or whatever you choose to call him, wants us to become discouraged, suicidal, and give-up. If we engage our attacker satan wins. If dispite him we hold our peace and ask for strength, we win. It boils down to love that is unconditional. There will be times when it is easy and times when it is not. We may not always win right then and there, but if we get up and keep trying we will never loose.

Juni

_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

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#267440 - 12/16/08 03:54 PM Re: Dealing with Bullying [Re: jacob77]
MichaeldR Offline


Registered: 12/02/08
Posts: 36
Loc: South Carolina
Dear Jacob:

Thank you so much for sharing part of your story with us. My hot button issue is my sexuality as well. If I feel people are discounting me or disrespecting me because they perceive me as being gay (and therefore 'bad' in their minds) I freak out and become extremely resentful. This for me has been true since I was about eight years old.

I can't say I struggle with homosexuality, since I have been 99 & 44/100 homosexual in my desires, fantasies, and activities for my entire life.

It sounds to me more like you struggle with either bisexuality (attraction to both sexes) or simply same-sex acting out. There are plenty of straight men, who, because of a previous abusive relationship with a man in childhood or adolescence, find themselves acting out their abuse, and somehow expecting a different outcome. I only learned this rather recently because of what I have learned here.

One of my friends calls this phenomenon a trauma-bond and is often portrayed (in popular culture) as women who will pick one physically abusive boyfriend after another, hoping that this one will be different.

I hope you will find help by visiting this site often.

Best regards,

_________________________
Mike

My mantras:

Easy Does I - - - - - - Lą oł il y a la vie il y a l'espoir.
One Day At A Time - - - Lą oł il y a l'espoir: la vie.
First Things First- - - Where there's life there's hope.
LIVE and Let Live - - - Where there is hope: life.

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#267985 - 12/19/08 06:25 PM Re: Dealing with Bullying [Re: MichaeldR]
sportinrucks Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 423
Loc: Louisiana
Im sure they have a boxing gym somewhwere around there in SF, try it out, it can work wonders.


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#267995 - 12/19/08 07:41 PM Re: Dealing with Bullying [Re: sportinrucks]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 303
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
San Fran's got some good places around, you might want to check out Gaylord's Kajukenbo. Instructor is Prof. Charles Gaylord who is a grandmaster rank in Kajukenbo. They've got some tough, tough people down there. If you look around the internet or poke around SF and you're interested give it a shot. Also consider Danzan Ryu or Brazilian Jiujitsu, Judo, Thai Kickboxing, or Kyokushin/Enshin/World Oyama/Seido karate. All are tough tough styles that are gonna turn you into one hell of a fighter, and just having that knowledge will allow you to carry yourself differently, and I bet you that based on that alone people will stop harassing you.


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#268441 - 12/23/08 01:07 PM Re: Dealing with Bullying [Re: AndyS87]
sportinrucks Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 423
Loc: Louisiana
yes I would strongly recommend brazilian ju jitsu, you can find them at any Mixed Martial Arts gym.


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