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#268354 - 12/22/08 10:31 PM Born old?
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
My wife has said to me on many occasions that I was "born old". I had thought that she was just meaning I was being an old fart about something. But earlier today, Joel suggested to me that I post the question. Its really a good quesiton I think as he had put it to me in a way that I had not previously considered. As a survivor, having missed a lot of my adolescence to abuse, did I then skip the phase and become old, and unable to appreciate certain parts of life? Especially the younger parts? The "safe" but risky adolescent stuff that we all should have been into? I've always stayed safe, whenever I could. Was I too safe? confused

Were you born old? Enquiring Minds Want to Know!

Best of the season to all!

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#268359 - 12/22/08 10:41 PM Re: Born old? [Re: Geeders]
Dusty Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia
Geeders

Yes I always had a knowing that others my age didnt seem to display, dont ask me to explain. I always have played it safe and have wondered about what it would be like to feel young.

Dusty


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#268360 - 12/22/08 10:41 PM Re: Born old? [Re: Geeders]
loberhead Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 172
My therapist has mentioned "skipping" the adolescent part. When I was abused (at age 6) my adult kicked in so that I could survive. I, too, have always stayed safe. Sometimes my therapist tries to bring out the kid or adolescent in me by acting goofy. I see it as immature and I have a hard time responding to it. But it's something to work on, I guess.


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#268364 - 12/22/08 10:54 PM Re: Born old? [Re: loberhead]
G5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 203
Loc: New Jersey
Oh yeah.....definitely. I believe I've missed out on so much because I was hiding and protecting myself. I don't look at it all the time as becoming old, because I feel like a ten year old in an adult body, but I do feel 'old' because of all the things I want to do and feel, that I should have/could have done ten or twenty years ago if it wasn't for the hiding.
As an adult I feel behind. Others have marriages, families, houses, careers, things that I can't get a grasp on because I'm stuck in the past. I want so much to be able to go back and do things over, but I can't.

I haven't moved on yet....but I do allow myself to have some fun now and then. Like climbing trees....and riding my bike....and even sledding. But it's usually by myself.

Chris

_________________________
WoR Kirkridge '08
WoR Alta Advanced '09
International Conference '10, '12
Oprah 200
PA Support Group
WoR Alta Advanced '12
"Silence Buster"

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#268366 - 12/22/08 10:59 PM Re: Born old? [Re: Geeders]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Jim,

Given as how I sort of got this topic rolling (BTW, you take advice real good, Jim) laugh I'll chime in with my own experience. I have a distinct memory at about the age of eight. I am standing in the school yard at recess watching all the other kids at play. They were running and screaming as kids do, but I had no relationship to or understanding of why they were doing so. I couldn't conceive in my child's mind how they could be so frivolous - life is far to serious for such activities and useless foolishness, I thought. And as I stood there, I remember feeling a million years old and consequently completely removed from my peers.

Growing up, the only compliment (if it can be considered that) that I ever received from people was that I was so mature for my age - again I was so much older than what I should have been and certainly more so than is healthy. I never had friends in my age group as I felt that I had nothing in commom with such youngsters. At fourteen, all of my friends were in their mid-twenties +, I could relate to them and oddly they accepted me as one of their own.

Many years later I married. I tended to be demanding of my very young daughters who were still just toddlers at the time. Exasperated, one day, my then wife asked me and in not too gentle a tone:"Were you never a F***ing kid?" And my immediate and truthful response was, NO!

Many times and for long, long periods over these last eight years of dealng with CSA I have felt ancient. To the point where it was all I could to find the physical stamina to shower and shave. I would sometimes look in the mirror and not recognise that very old man looking back at me. I often had the thought :"I'm too young to be so old, I'm X age but I feel like I have the body, mind and life experience of a ninety year old."

Now I'm rambling.............How many more ancient young men do we have here at MaleSurvivor and is this a common experience for male CSA victims?

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#268368 - 12/22/08 11:03 PM Re: Born old? [Re: Geeders]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Damn, Jim.....

You've described me in that post. Nearly everyone I've known in my adult life has described me to be in some way older or somehow more mature than my age. You've given me a handful of food for thought here. Thanks.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#268369 - 12/22/08 11:06 PM Re: Born old? [Re: joelRT]
G5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 203
Loc: New Jersey
Joel, Jim,

I too wondered how everyone around me could be happy, laughing, enjoying their time here on earth, while I was much too serious. Yeah.....I am older than I think, but I do want to laugh with them....I just seemed to have forgotten how.

C

_________________________
WoR Kirkridge '08
WoR Alta Advanced '09
International Conference '10, '12
Oprah 200
PA Support Group
WoR Alta Advanced '12
"Silence Buster"

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#268371 - 12/22/08 11:25 PM Re: Born old? [Re: G5]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1955
I can relate, though in my high school years I got in a lot of trouble, so I suppose I didn't skip all the risky stuff. But in my case a lot of it wasn't fun risky stuff, but could have been. I think by nature I am adventurous, but it manifested itself in troubling ways.

Once I got to college, and then after the first year when I "remembered", it was all down-hill. I tried to suppress things a lot but when I eventually knew it wasn't all going to "just go away", I slipped into a long-term depression and didn't have much fun. I missed out on a lot. Chris, you speak of my own feelings very well in your first post when you mention feeling like the adult that was left behind. That one hurts, I know it all too well. I am working on letting that one go, but I think the hurt there is deeper than anything at times.

Eric


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#268372 - 12/22/08 11:31 PM Re: Born old? [Re: Geeders]
Asmodeus Offline


Registered: 10/25/05
Posts: 112
Loc: Vestavia, Alabama, USA
I also feel that the abuse forced me to miss out on part of my adolescence. For a long time I wouldn't tolerate any behavior that I percieved as childish. I'm 25 now and it's only recently that I've started learning to enjoy things again. My nephew is a big part of that. Something as simple as seeing him on Christmas morning or his birthday. For his birthday I had the people who run the bakery at the grocery store I worked at put a picture of Ringo Starr on the cake for him. I had them use the individual photo that came as one of the inserts in the White Album.

_________________________
I may not be perfect, but at least I'm not fake.

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#268391 - 12/23/08 02:32 AM Re: Born old? [Re: Asmodeus]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Jim,

This is a hard one for me because in high school I did miss out on a lot. Because of my abuse I could not do the normal things that most of the kids my age did. Date,go to dances,the prom or any of the offical school functions that the normies did. But I grew up in the seventies and partying was the thing to do. With drugs and alcohol as my lubricate to smoothe my fears and anxiety. I was able to participate in a pretty active social environment.I had three or four close friends who I ran with pretty closely. We were all raging alcoholic and drug addictics by the time we were 15 or 16 but we had a great time.
As i said we did not take part in the normal activites with the normies but we were more than willing to be involved and join in the parties that happen afterward. It seem that there were alot of people just like us who were always ready to party. I will never regret growing up in the seventies when there was alot more acceptance of the party lifestlye. And just about everyboby was willing to do the wild thing. Also I grew up in North Carolina and all I had to do was walk across the street. And there a miles of woods to play in and half a mile into the woods there was a creek. My friends and I were always out in the woods fishing,hunting,camping,swimming and just f--king off. in that respect life was great for me in my teens.I could be a child but I was unable to grow and mature in my teen years. In the real world of life I could not let down my walls enought to to learn to interact in a normal matter. I always lived on the edges of society never really participed in what was really happening.
When I look back I have mixed emotions some of my memories are good and others are awful.
I look into the mirror and wonder sometimes who is this old guy and where did all that time go to. Do I have regrets sure,but would I want to go back,no.

Was I born old-yes but have I gotten better- hell yes.
Today life is better then it ever has been even with my struggles in recovery.
I have old friends who are still stuck in old destrutive patterns and still don't realize it.

Mike


Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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