So my question for you guys is, is this still considered a normal reaction to an abnormal situation? Are my feelings of diminished masculinity the product of my own fear because I somehow (in my mind) connect masculinity to perpetrator behaviour and am I therefore scared to be masculine myself? To avoid possible misunderstanding, I am not talking about sexual orientation here.
What an excellent thread
First of all...some of the best sex I've ever had has been when I have just literally laid back and let happen what may. If we define masculine as the aggressor...jeeeez, how confining that is, especially when it comes to sex, uh?
If, what you mean is..."Are my feelings of diminished control the product of my own fear because I somehow (in my mind) connect control to perpetrator behaviour and am I therefore scared to be [in] control myself?" I can certainly identify with that.
Sorry, Stephan...don't mean to "assume" that is what you are saying. Let's assume though, that it fits for me. Because it most certainly did. It is exactly what I use to do. But, let's take it and break it down a little further. Change the word "fear" to anger. " Are my feelings of diminished control the product of my own anger because I somehow (in my mind) connect control to perpetrator behaviour and am I therefore scared to be [in] control myself?"
It says, I am angry because the perpetrator had control over me and I do not want to be a perpetrator. Which, is my interpretation and, I am not trying to steal your thread...I hear what you are saying and honor it completely.
Let's just make a whole lot of assumptions here since I am takin over (sorry)
. Let's assume that anger is a tool that helps us define and maintain healthy boundaries. Let's also assume that we were not in a position to be able to express the anger because of the circumstances. So...the anger is there...we can numb it, minimize it, deny it but, it is there...it is going to manifest itself somehow.
Distortions of anger might look and sound like sarcasm...that is an obvious one, uh? How about the distortions that are not quite as obvious? Feeling helpless, feeling hopeless...how about addiction? Oh, and a personal favorite distortion of anger...rage.
Now, put it all together in an act that is, by design, out of control. Sex is out of control. That is why it is so cool, isn't it? Take me to the edge and drop me off, I do not care. Statistically, what most men think about during sex is...doing it again. Let's throw in the distortions as we are triggered by this out of control act...rage, becomes agression, helpless becomes submissive...hmmm....maybe? Hmmm...but I am still going to vote for laying back and let happen what may every once in a while, okay? That's me.
Regardless, Stephan...I think what you are feeling does make sense in the context of our experiences. What do you think?