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#268287 - 12/22/08 10:31 AM Re: Sexuality and self esteem [Re: AndyS87]
nonchalant Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
It is very frustrating as on some level i am very aware of who and what i am: a hetero-emotional bi-sexual. I can be aroused by both men and women, but only have romantic thoughts and emotional feelings for women

Why can't i just accept this and live my life?

I live a life of constant checking, reassurance, and obsessing. I haven't had a moments peace in almost a year. My most common obsessions are "am i really hetero-emotional or could i be fulfilled emotionally by a man?" and "if i ever tried something with a man would i ever be interested in women again?" I know i am not in denial, as how the hell could i be in denial about it when it's all i ever think about, but my mind tells me i am. On my bad days, my mind tells me that i must be gay, as i get aroused by gay porn. On good days, i tell myself this is completely irrelevant to sexuality as a whole and i am probably straight. Most days i just feel a bisexual who is milking his straight side and who might be happier with men but is too scared to try it

I'm getting aroused by things that never aroused me in the past. Movies with scenes of shirtless guys now make me feel aroused, when in the past i wouldn't have even given it a second thought. I can't watch wrestling or boxing because i feel aroused, again i would never have even thought about this until a year ago. Thankfully though i have an understanding girlfriend and after decreasing for a while, my sex drive for her is pretty high again. But every time i hear that a certain celeb or random guy is gay, i start to freak out and think that if these men are gay then i must be gay too

It sure is tough



Edited by nonchalant (12/22/08 10:35 AM)

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#268295 - 12/22/08 11:03 AM Re: Sexuality and self esteem [Re: nonchalant]
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
Hello

I've been reading this interesting dialogue since it began.
Lots has been said about sexual identity & sexual disorientation.
What about self esteem & how it relates now since this dialogue began?
(it seemed to be integral to the topic initially)

What is self esteem dependent upon?
(this question isn't directed at anyone personally, just throwing it out there)

C

_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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#268296 - 12/22/08 11:09 AM Re: Sexuality and self esteem [Re: ineffable]
nonchalant Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
Where i'm concerned it is completely connected to masculinity

When my self esteem is high i feel affirmed in my masculinity and i feel capable of maintaining succesful relationships with women

When my self esteem is low i feel that i might be better off as the submissive, feminine one in a homosexual relationship, as i am not manly enough for women and could never make one happy

As for being the masculine one in a gay relationship, that isn't an issue as i know i could never be interested in a feminine man



Edited by nonchalant (12/22/08 11:13 AM)

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#268303 - 12/22/08 12:15 PM Re: Sexuality and self esteem [Re: nonchalant]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 300
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
For me I don't know that it's a self esteem issue or a confidence issue. If I feel confident in who I am I'm not intimidated by women, I feel attracted to them, all that. I've literally been at bars looking at attractive women and then all of a sudden if I've been feeling depressed my brain goes "hmmm, I wonder if I'm attracted to those guys over there?" and then the whole night goes in the shitter for me.


I connect that to my confidence because in elementary school throughout most of highschool people would call me "queer" or "fag" or something else as an insult. To me this was insulting, I was then and am now predominately straight, but when these people did that it made me wonder, especially when I was younger, if they knew about the abuse, and since I had been through that, if they were right and I really was gay. Like I said before I had gay friends, and if I had been gay I would have said "well yeah, and?" instead of just getting pissed off or feeling like I was just having my confidence or self respect cut out from under me by a bunch of assholes who were worried about nothing other then whose house they were partying at that weekend and how much coke was going to be there. That's the connection for me, that's why I was hurt by it. It was used towards me as an insult by people who were deliberately trying to put me down. If they had actually known how fucked up my personal life was, I doubt they would have given that much of a hard time or thrown those kinds of insults. Then again, I'm talking like the fuckers actually had brains in their heads. No point in trying to change that, I just get a laugh when I see them now dropped out all over the place with drug addictions, STD's, and shit lives in general. Funny how when you feel like shit you love seeing other people you really don't like feeling the same way.



Edited by AndyS87 (12/22/08 12:20 PM)

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#268588 - 12/24/08 02:49 PM Re: Sexuality and self esteem [Re: trb]
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
Hi TRB,

I know exactly how you feel. I've put a lot of thought into this topic over the years. Perhaps we can figure it out?

I gave some thought to what makes me feel "stuck."
It's my inability to switch to try the gay side of me at will.
Mostly, because I would have to sneak around and run the risk of hurting someone I chose to love. I do think that love is a choice.

What has helped me tremendously was having a heart-to-heart talk with my wife. I didn’t tell her I was gay or bisexual, I told her I had needs that needed to met. She obliged and we got some toys. Perfect it is not but better than before. When I entered recovery I told her everything that happened to me. She understood why I had my urges. Today she knows that I’m bisexual. She still expects fidelity and I do my best to comply and she tries her best to please me. Through thick and thin she stuck by me when she should have dumped me long ago. Today she is a vital part of my recovery. How can you not love that?

I hope you have the support you need. I believe this is vital for those like you and I.
Life is about relationships. They are important, no matter the orientation. Good and bad relationships can exist anywhere. If you have a good one I would hold on to it, nurture it, savor it, and enjoy it. This is only possible however with effort on both sides. Otherwise you are indeed “stuck.” I don’t know that I would give my relationship so I could experiment freely.

I hope I was a help to you. You certainly are a help to me.

Best regards and Merry Christmas,
Juni

_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

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#270649 - 01/10/09 01:24 AM . [Re: Juni]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 07:06 PM)

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#270662 - 01/10/09 08:38 AM Re: Sexuality and self esteem [Re: bardo213]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Those of us who were sexualy abused in our childhood no doubt show signs of having been abused
it affects the way we present ourselves and the way we relate

the community at large does not understand the reason is that we were abused

as abuse is not widly discussed and not recognised as an issue

they don't know the reason why we are the way we are

and so they ask "are you gay?"

I want to make an hypothesis that it's not that we exhibit any "gayness" but that is the only label they know

also I want to suggest to men being turned on by magazine male pictures and males on TV before making any conclusions
please take into account the media is showing males who look sexier and who know how to "turn it on"
no doubt some are activly gay and know how to set men off
having been abused we are vulnerable
I made a choice not to internalise such feelings
I have a choice how I respond

to avoid confusion I would suggest not asking if you are gay

just focus on what you want to be
and see destractions for what they are

those who gave in to it - it's your choice

I am addressing the confusion and labelling some are facing
as I have many times

Nathan


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#270940 - 01/12/09 08:33 AM Re: Sexuality and self esteem [Re: nathan555]
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
Nathan,

I like the way you explained it. I would have to agree.

One of the moderators suggested in another thread that some of us are looking for resolution of a horrible event. That we maybe looking for the event to somehow end positively and receive the affirmation, friendship, acceptance, or the affection that perhaps some of us were expecting or would have normally expected out of most relationships with men, male friends, boys, father, grandfather, or male mentor. This brings us back to reenacting the event or acting-out inappropriately in an effort to find what we did not get or make better what we did get.

We were focused on the maleness of our abuse as a pivotal variable. Based on the label society has placed on the situation as it may appear, we claim the label, be it gay or bisexual, as our own. Many of us find ourselves acting-out in a manner that may appear gay or bisexual but we have no desire to form a romantic relationship with men, don’t date men, don’t think about men all the time, etc.

Interesting thread.

Juni

_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

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#271755 - 01/17/09 08:26 PM Re: Sexuality and self esteem [Re: Juni]
trb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 16
Loc: Tulsa Oklahoma metro area
Nathan / Juni

Indeed tis is an interesting thread. I to like how you explained it Nathan & Juni your post above makes sense but raises another point here for me at least.

My first and primary abuser wasn't male but my aunt and which started befor3e school age. Your slant above is interesting but I sort of need to turn it around and say for me being married, a father and so on may very well be my search for normal relationships with women. All the women in my life growing up were cold manipulative, controlling etc, and to this day other than my wife I don't find them appealling and yes for meI do think about men all the time.

I have often wondered what affect my aunt really caused on me. Is my attraction for men rebellion or denied and most times suppressed natural feelings or did my aunt just turn me off for women in general.

No answer here just rambling.

Peace
TRB

_________________________
Hanging in there One Day at a Time
RB (trb)

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#274084 - 02/05/09 03:45 PM Re: Sexuality and self esteem [Re: trb]
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
Hi trb,

I went back to this thread and realized you never got a response to a very interesting reply you gave. I was abuse by a female twice. This came out after a visit with my T. I too am married with two kids and have searched for normalcy for years. I still don’t know what that means.

I believe that the abuse I received by the female perp was more damaging emotionally. I was used, abused, and dumped like so much trash and did not ejaculate. This left me with the feeling that I was less of a man. Later, I was abuse by men. Each time I was used like a female to pleasure them and told I was no good. Again, I did not ejaculate. I was used and rejected. This caused me a lot of distress throughout my marriage and our sex life.

Later this caused me much confusion and I sought affirmation from the men that I was good, that I had what it takes. It caused me to believe that all the women wanted was to “screw” and dump men. I thought about men and women both. I married a woman because that was “normal” to me. When I thought I was being dumped or rejected by my wife I ran to a man.

I believe a lot has to do with the variables surrounding the abuse, how and what was said, the body language, where and when that abuse took place, and other abuses that went along with the sexual abuse.

Again, No answer here just rambling.

Juni

_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

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