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#268197 - 12/21/08 12:46 PM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6422
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Ken Singer, LCSW


You can google "sex offender registries" + your state to see what kinds of information they list and possibly find out whether those with juvenile records are also listed.


Here's a very good list of all states and links to the laws and the registries.

http://www.prevent-abuse-now.com/register.htm

NOTE: Years ago Massachusetts fought HARD to withhold any and all info from the public regarding Sex Offndr Reg. Even with the legal barrier, the Union Leader News Paper in NH got the MA registry data and published it online. I hear other state's similar efforts to withhold have been usurped this way as well.

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#268215 - 12/21/08 03:55 PM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
If he is an abuser, and also been abused, then he should have had psychiatric assessment before going to Court.
In prison he may have avoided psyche assessment, because it would
only focus on what he did, and not what happened to himself.
I don't think you will find a therapist who can divorce themselves
between the two, and work within any framework.
He would only ever get the help he needs, from a mental health unit.

ste

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Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#268259 - 12/21/08 11:11 PM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
ChristineTrying Offline


Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
Thanks.


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#268263 - 12/21/08 11:48 PM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: ChristineTrying]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Christine,

Everybody has the right to set the boundaries that are necessary for them to be safe. You are responsible for your families wellbeing and safety. You do not have to defend any decision that you make to to ensure this with anybody here or anywhere else. We all support you 100%.
About your sister not sharing the true facts about what was going on in her family. There is alot of shame and secrecey within families in regards to childhood sexual abuse. So it is alot easier to just ignore it which only causes it to fester and grow witin the person victimized. I also had alot of problems with alcohol and drugs to smooth the pain that I felt as a result of my abuse. He is coping in the best manner that he knows how. He is not At fault but he will have to deal with his csa and substances abuse problems if he is ever to get better.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Merry Christmas

Mike


_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#268272 - 12/22/08 05:54 AM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: michael banks]
fromtoday Offline


Registered: 10/04/08
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Hi Christine,
Sorry just wanted to reply because I read you post yesterday, started a reply but then didn't post because I was afraid that maybe I needed to sleep on my reply, I'm willing to say that my first post was to tell him to ROT IN HELL.

Firstly can I just say that I absolutely think from what you have said that you are not the person to take in your nephew, mainly because of your husbands CSA, I know that for my husband to have contact with a sex offender regardless of the history would be a bad thing at the moment.

Secondly I think you are absolutely right about your sister, the reason many people are vunerable to abuse is because people don't step up to the mark when required, that doesn't mean you can't have sympathy with your sister, but to agree with her actions would be to accept that children should be put in vunerable positions. I could'nt forgive somebody who witheld information from me when they knew children could be at risk.

Thirdly, I think if you are to continue having contact with the family you need a more clear picture of events, mainly has he, or do they suspect that he has commited more offences recently.

Essentially we are looking at either a desperate abused boy who regretfully commited offences when he was too young to be accountable or an adult serial multiple sex offender. For me they are 2 very different people.

I have no sympathy for adult abusers, I don't believe they can be rehabilitated and I would enter a debate as to whether they should even be offered rehabilitation.

I think some posters were a little hard on you christine, I would ask them to consider that it's not just the victim who can be triggered but also their close asscoiates.

Good Luck thinking of you at this time.

_________________________
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Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see.....
_________________________________________________
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#268275 - 12/22/08 07:45 AM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: fromtoday]
riz Offline


Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 123
Hi Christine,

I didn't hear you saying that you are trying to figure out whether or not to take your nephew in. I heard you struggling with thinking that maybe you "should" want to, or that other people would think you should take him. But I heard YOU state clearly that it wasn't an option for you.

I have a good friend whose Dad died a few years ago. He was at home till the end and they modified the family home to modify his wheelchair and other medical equipment. They have a large family and everyone was there all the time, helping to take care of him, along with the nursing staff.

You know what his wife did in the middle of all the pain and upheaval? She moved out. She moved out! I don't know what her relationship had been with her husband, how many years she had perhaps been tolerating a bad situation.

I don't know how much flack she got from the family, or how many people reading this would instictively judge her without knowing anything about her private story.

For some reason it is just an amazing action to me. Even if you look at it as cowardly or selfish or whatever else you could say about it, you know that lady was brave on some level for making such an unexpected and unpopular choice, because she knew what she had to do and she did it.

Today she maintains a loving relationship with all her kids and I can only that imagine she and her husband may have had some "understanding" that is not for public knowlegde. Or not.

Take care,

Riz


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#268278 - 12/22/08 08:51 AM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: riz]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Hello again Christine,
Wow, what a complex situation. Most are but this has layers and a lot of history mixed with strong emotion. You are most probably correct your nephew was abused.

I wonder how much the courts or officials actually know of the situation beyond the DWI because I don't assume to know that states always share information I sex offenders.My hunch is they do. But maybe they do not know the complete history that goes back to age eleven. That is a compelling reason to have help available. Registries are not enough. My thought is a court mandated situation that could require your nephew to be in counseling may be the only way to a first step at education, healing and recovery. From my point of view, it seems a court mandate may be the only solution and may require long transport services or even relocating him but NOT getting him help is not an option that makes sense. I suspect your nephew is in pain as well in spite of his horrible behaviors.

Riz is correct that you did not actually express taking your nephew in...but it seems there is and was pressure by the suggestion. I now understand why you felt a need to know when you babysit children. You clearly cannot accommodate your nephew as a guest much less as a boarder. The young man needs professional help more than a place to stay and find a job.

I hope your conversations can evolve with your sister into supportive dialogue...if she is receptive. Otherwise you may be closed out. It seems everyone involved needs support.

I am a survivor and I don't believe you lack empathy for the victims.. I think you show empathy and real concern. Otherwise you would not have reached out.

I wish you well and please visit and post as needed.
Peace to you,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#268281 - 12/22/08 09:10 AM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: Danbuff]
riz Offline


Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 123
Hi Christine,

I thought of one more example while I was in the shower :-)
My husband left me when that's what he needed to do. On top of the pain he already had, he had to handle the pain of knowing he was about to hurt someone that he loved.

Sadly, but unavoidably, I was not able to make it easier for him, since I did not understand the situation. All I felt was abandonment and as if I had done something wrong. But still he did it. As hurt as I was, and as much as people around me perhaps view him as an insensitive, selfish, jerk, I have lots of admiration for what he did.

True, I was hurt. But I do not own him and he does not own me. We love each other, but that is not the same as possession, control and figuring out the bills and household chores. I hope love transcends all that and the people who love you will want to respect you, and keep loving you, even if your opinion is unpopular at the time.

Riz


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#269630 - 01/01/09 05:53 PM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: riz]
ChristineTrying Offline


Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
Just to update everyone...I did it again. I gave my nephew a job, paying over $20 an hour. He never showed up. Every day I called him, he said yes, tomorrow. Well, it's been two weeks of tomorrows. Guess it's easier to guilt his mother into giving him money. Surprise, surprise. Not going to happen again. Some people cannot be helped.


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#269634 - 01/01/09 06:41 PM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: ChristineTrying]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Christine,

Most survivors are unable to accept help when offered. We are much too afraid of the strings that may come with such offers. And we are always sure that there are strings attached to everything in life. No matter who makes the offer. Nobody is trust worthy to a survivor. We see the world as us versus everybody else.

The most difficult aspect of recovery for me to this day is allowing myself to trust others. There is still a part of me who believes that I can't trust others. And I have to be aware of this tendency when interacting with others.

So true,why work for something when you can get it for free.
Who is responsibile for contiuing this situation?
What are they getting out of it?
Relationships are always a two way street.
No one will ever seek help as long as he has others who are enabling his self-destructive behaviors.

Just something to think about.

Mike



_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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