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#268144 - 12/20/08 10:38 PM Can't deal with the news I've been handed
ChristineTrying Offline


Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
Thanks for your comments. I appreciate them all.


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#268153 - 12/20/08 11:54 PM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: ChristineTrying]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
While I certainly appreciate and validate your pain at the same time I feel that I just have to say this. There are so many things wrong with your attitude and, yes, obvious arrogance, that your nephew is truly better off without you.....................

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#268154 - 12/21/08 12:12 AM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: joelRT]
ChristineTrying Offline


Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
Thanks, Joel.

I am wondering though about 'my attitude'. Could you expand on that for me? I would feel the same towards any sex offender, regardless of who they are. I would not allow one to be in my home. So I'm confused about the 'attitude' you speak of. I'm not trying to be difficult or anything here but please explain.

Maybe it's because I'm female that I have these issues?


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#268156 - 12/21/08 12:33 AM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: ChristineTrying]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1961
Christine,

Not sure if this helps, but I can fully understand why you would not want him in your home. That is reasonable. But if you wanted to help in a way that might give him a chance to turn his own life around, would there be a way someone could try to get through to him and find out if in fact he was abused? If that was the case, there might be a way to steer him into therapy which I think he really needs. Even if he wasn't abused therapy seems pretty obvious. But if he was abused, through therapy he might be able to better understand why he did the things he did. He'll still have to live with the guilt of his actions, and take ownership of such, but that is a better outcome than other possibilities. The troubles with the law and the related substance abuse issues makes me think he is probably pretty messed up inside right now. Again, not that it is your responsibility to take him in, or for that matter is any of it your responsibility. But if someone could get him to get help it might give him a chance to salvage things for himself (let's face it, a certain amount of damage has been done that can not be undone; but your nephew not addressing these things wont change what happened).

Eric


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#268162 - 12/21/08 01:47 AM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: ericc]
jacobtk Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 527
Christine,

There was a young man who I lived with who was a convicted sex offender. The situation (which is almost exactly the same as your nephew's) later turned out that had not actually committed the act, but at the time that he was with us we did not know that. As best as I can tell we were the only family he really had. This was the only home he may have had. He was very troubled, constantly hurt himself and attempted to kill himself several times before doing it at the beginning of last year.

While I understand your hesitation and perhaps in your place might not want him to stay in my home, I do think that it is possible that taking him in might be helpful. If he is close to you or was, it might make the difference. If you are concerned about him re-offending, from the little I have read having some support network of friends and family often helps offenders. I can also understand your hesitation because of his drug abuse. If anything, that will likely exacerbate any problems he has with abusing others.

I do not know how close you are to him, but if you feel uneasy about having him there, then it is probably best that you go with your gut feeling.

_________________________
Every day I die again, and again I’m reborn/Every day I have to find the courage/To walk out into the street/With arms out/Got a love you can’t defeat/Neither down nor out/There’s nothing you have that I need/I can breathe/Breathe now - U2

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#268181 - 12/21/08 09:14 AM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: jacobtk]
riz Offline


Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 123
Hi Christine,

I have looked back over your other posts to try to get a better idea of your situation. I don't know if your attitude is right or wrong. Is there a right and a wrong? Your feelings are your feelings. From what you have written in the past, you seem resentful and overwhelmed. I am not wanting to judge, only to choose words which seem to describe what you are presenting.

If "resentful" and "overwhelmed" are indeed part of what you're feeling, it seems that it would be very difficult to invite a very needy person into your household. In my humble opinion, and from limited understanding of the situation, I don't see how you are in any position to help a young man in a complicated situation.

I am not saying you "should" be in a position to help him. It would be nice if we could help everyone who needs our help, but reality is otherwise.

In fact, you have stated that you try to help everyone and are concerned with everyone else's needs and feelings, but that you yourself are not feeling well supported. Is that correct?

This new development is in itself overwhelming, even if there hadn't been problems in your marital relationship already. As people on this board have reminded me, it is very important to take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. That is one important way to be good to others.

Riz


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#268183 - 12/21/08 10:04 AM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: ChristineTrying]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Christine,

I just read your post and responses. I am of two minds on this and ultimately it is up to each of us to decide what is right for us...but I think you are wise to seek feedback.

I agree with Riz about you seemingly lacking supports while wanting to help others. Perhaps after you truly understand where you are with respect to your nephew then you might have clarity on your decision. If you are sick of being around abused people then there is a flag which says something. I hope you think about that for your comfort too. Intentions to help are fine but if you hold resentment then your nephew may sense it and not be completely at ease or honest in your home. That could be a recipe for disaster.

On the other hand, if you can get past anger at him and your sister, you might be supportive from a distance or taking him in. Your husband as a survivor might be a great role model if he is healed and in a good place. If not, then it could also spell disaster.

I think you do have the wrong attitude about feeling entitled to know eleven years ago. First of all, we all have our shame and private lives that are withheld for many valid reasons. Your sister may have been protecting herself in any number of ways but ultimately it is her choice and her right. Since you have no children too, I am struck by your comments. Why do you feel entitled to know that? I am not trying to be insensitive to you but you asked the other person to say why he felt your attitude was wrong. I felt that way a little myself.

Rushing in to rescue seldom works. It seems to me that a gentle offer of concern to your sister and nephew is a starting place.

Beyond that, I think waiting and taking a not knowing position is better. We cannot know the details unless shared, we cannot know what others need and want unless told...so not knowing versus taking over like an expert with good intention can blow up in our face.
You sound like a wonderful caring person but sometimes we can't fix a situation. The persons themselves must want it first.

Best of luck to you,
Dan



Edited by Danbuff (12/21/08 10:12 AM)
Edit Reason: forgot to address by name
_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#268184 - 12/21/08 10:07 AM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: riz]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Christine:

It sounds like your nephew is or should be on some kind of long term supervision for offenses he did as a juvenile. Most states, however, don't put juvenile offenders on long term supervision (different from registration). Sexual offenders, even juveniles with multiple offenses, are required to register with the police for life, in some states, or long periods of time.

They may or may not be supervised. The reason this is important is that without supervison, they are not required to be in treatment or have probation/parole officers keeping track of them and their activities.

From your brief de>

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#268186 - 12/21/08 10:38 AM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6400
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I think Ken illustrated it all very well. Treating an offender is not for well-intended amateurs (amateur in Sex Offender stuff).

I'm gonna toss in some items to be considered that may eliminate anyone's interest (in your home) in dealing with him.

1) If you actively seek to have him come live with you, provide him with employment, provide therapy expenses, etc...you and your husband may be civilly liable for any sex offenses committed while he's living in your home (even if they are revealed long after he no longer lives there)

2) I'm guessing he's going to have to register in your jurisdiction as an offender. That means your address will be listed. That means your neighbors, your town, your town's police, the schools, etc, will all know you have an offender in your house...and they ALL check the registry regularly.

3) If you have liability insurance, they may not cover you with him in the house (given that he's a convicted offender and required to register)

As a child victim of older boys, I feel like he has to have a demonstrated a true commitment to changing his life, make amends, and build a safe future. Current drug and alcohol use is a demonstration and proclamation in the opposite direction.

Rather than rush to rescue, how about opening a dialogue with him by letter/email to explore any desire or commitment to change, because i think HE actually has a much tougher road ahead of him than I have as a survivor. Its gonna take a heck of a lot of work to drop the drugs and fix his head.

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#268195 - 12/21/08 12:29 PM Re: Can't deal with the news I've been handed [Re: Still]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
I agree with Robbie for the most part. However,
Quote:
2) I'm guessing he's going to have to register in your jurisdiction as an offender. That means your address will be listed. That means your neighbors, your town, your town's police, the schools, etc, will all know you have an offender in your house...and they ALL check the registry regularly.

may not be accurate. Not all registries list the exact address. Most states use a risk based system to put only the offenders rated as moderate or high risk and it is possible that he might not be placed on such a registry.

You can google "sex offender registries" + your state to see what kinds of information they list and possibly find out whether those with juvenile records are also listed.


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