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#268128 - 12/20/08 08:30 PM worried, intollerence of my phobia?
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi.

As I've probably said, I have a big problem with any kind of language, discussion or humour related to the "s" word (three letters ends in X).

I've just about got to the stage now where I can read it, ---- provided I'm aware of it, and not flinch, ---- something I did frequently when i first came to this site), but I stil find a problem hereing the word or discussion of the subject.

Jokes of course about "S" can be pretty horrible triggers for me. A week last tuesday I was triggered horribly by an innocently joking remakr from a friend.

At my roleplay group, one person has been increasingly getting annoyed at my reaction. While she isn't deliberately going out of her way to trigger me by using language, ----- a truly! nasty response I've got from some people, she's making it increasingly clear that she thinks i'm being stupid, or immature, or both.

she's told me to grow up on several occasions when seeing my reaction, ---- something which has truly made me angry.

part of me has almost been tempted to blurt out the fact that everytime I here stuff like that something inside me is expecting to be slammed against a wall, have my trousers removed and my face spat in, ---- but I know this would be not only unfair, but an incredibly! bad idea which would lose me several friends.

On the advice of a mutual friend (one of the poeple I have told about my abuse), tonight I said there was a reason beyond my control for the reaction and appologized.

Said person then accused me of expecting too much of everyone if I didn't want the subject mentioned, and repeated that I should just start behaving like an adult.

i told her, ---- in I admit a slightly frustrated tone, that I didn't "expect" anything of anyone, but couldn't help my reactions.

She wasn't too happy with this but we just let the subject drop and carried on.

What do I do?

I'd really rather not lose thise friend, but I certainly don't feel close enough to her to tell her about my abuse.

I genuinely don't expect anything from anyone, nor do I want them to stop mentioning the subject, I just wishe my friend could live with the fact that no, I'm not comfortable with it at all.

Of course with my really close friends,we've long sinse developed a handy system of euphemisms for discussing such things so as to avoid hitting my triggers, ---- which is really helpful.

Has anyone been in this situation? or does anyone have any advice?


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#268130 - 12/20/08 08:34 PM Re: worried, intollerence of my phobia? [Re: dark empathy]
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
I had the same issue for a while and everyone respected the fact that I had a problem with the topic let alone the words. Real friends and people that care won't mind dropping the topic. I am better now but not 100% over it. It those around me don't stop I walk away. I feel I don't need to explain all the time. People should be a bit more respectful.
Keep on healing.


Juni

_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

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#268271 - 12/22/08 04:52 AM Re: worried, intollerence of my phobia? [Re: Juni]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Juni.

thanks for getting back to me. If it simply was the situation of people being hurtful I'd just walk away as you suggest. That sort of behaviour is too close to what happened to me as a teenager.

The problem with my friend is i'm getting a sense that while she is refraining from the subject because it botheres me, she's beginning to resent this, and thinking it's false, or put on.

apparently according to the mutual friend I've actually told about my abuse, she has in the passed encountered people who pretend to be sweet and inocent and bothered by such things, ----- when in reality this is all an act to prove how virtuous they were and ultimately, ---- make themselves more presentable to a partner.

I didn't know such people even existed, but hereing about them I do understand why my friend is worried about my reaction, because I'm not sure how genuine it seems to her.

the other problem is of course, my friend is one of those people who's a bit of a martyr to obligations, ----- she once asked me not to buy her a Birthday present because she couldn't afford to buy me one (of course, I replied I was buying her one because I wanted to, and for no other reason, and genuinely wouldn't care if she didn't buy me a present).

So, she's one of these fairly seriously duty bound people, and thus I'm certain she'd be not only shocked, but consumed by guilt if I told her the reason why I couldn't handle such things.

Of course she'd have no need to be guilty, ---- especially with respect to me, but I know how she'd feel and don't want to do that to her.

Another member of my roleplay group, ---- someone who actually suffers clinical depression (of the chemical sort), did get the situation when I just told her that there was a definite reason I couldn't handle that type of humour, and she pretty much accepts that and just has not commented to me about it sinse.
asked me if I suffered clinical depression as well, to which
On the other hand she might have guessed something I think, sinse I asked her about antidepressants before I started on mine, and we've occasionally had comparison moments.

Once she actuallyasked me directly why I was suffering depression etc, and I admitted that no, it wasn't for the same reasons as her. when she asked me the reason I just told her that I was sorry, but it wasn't something i could go into with her.

it's this sort of conversation i'd like to have with my other friend.

As I'm not going to be roleplaying or see anyone involved until January now (sinse everyone including me has gone home for Christmas), I've got some time to considder some sort of stratogy for defusing this situation before things go wrong.

sorry about the rambling post here, and thanks to everyone for reading.


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#268279 - 12/22/08 08:56 AM Re: worried, intollerence of my phobia? [Re: dark empathy]
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
Hi Dark,

One thing I have learned since entering recovery, you can not please everyone - so don't try. I was miserable most of the time thinking that I have somehow failed someone by something I said, did, expressed, or desired.

You have to allow yourself to be you in your current state. You will heal, improve, grow, and become a better person. No one is a finished product. We are all a work in progress. This means you are you and that is OK. Give yourself permission to be yourself and not please everyone. Take my word for it, you will NOT. If someone does not like that you like to keep a bit of yourself to yourself then too bad for them.

You are a wonderful, valuable person, not a perfect one. Brush-off the negativity like so much dandruff and keep walking and being you. If you need medication to help you that is OK and it is no ones business unless you want it to be.

Also, life works best when we do not have expectations, if we do we may be disappointed. Give without expecting anything in return. Share without expecting one to share in kind. We are more likely to receive in kind what we give-out but it should not be expected. This way we are less likely to be disappointed. True friendship is unconditional. It is not based on what you do or donít do, it is based on a commitment to be there for one another because you care. It does not mean you or they are perfect, we all make mistakes. In the end the caring and concern for the other is there and is valued.

None of this means you won't be disappointed, you will be, we are dealing with humans. But we can only change ourselves not others. I learned this the hard way.

I learned these things in my travels. I hope I have helped.

Juni




Edited by Juni (12/22/08 09:00 AM)
_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

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#268308 - 12/22/08 02:31 PM Re: worried, intollerence of my phobia? [Re: dark empathy]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I think the sad reality is that when we are left with triggers that are frequently encountered in everyday life we don't always have the luxury of keeping our issues under wraps and people are going to think things about us.

I have a huge fear of people looking at me and I have to say sometimes it seriously interferes with my life..like a while back when I had to abandon an appointment because the waiting room was too full of people and I felt like they were all looking at me.

Some of the triggers that I have had to deal with almost on a daily basis I have become somewhat desensitized to. I used to be triggered every time I was around a black guy---and u can just imagine how that could be misunderstood. But I've been around black guys so much now that it doesn't affect me so much so if I am triggered I can usually hide it pretty well.




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#268404 - 12/23/08 06:37 AM Re: worried, intollerence of my phobia? [Re: blueshift]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi juni.

The thing is, I don't blame my friend for her reaction or want to cause trouble. i know myself that if I got angry (something which doesn't happen often), and blurted exactly why suggestive humer and the S word were so difficult to me not only would it make my friend incredibly guilty, but I'd feel worse for doing it.

Sinse I can't help the way i react, ---- and I'm not really the sort of person who alters things for others anyway, it's some way of defusing the situation which i'm looking for here.

Ouch blueshift, those triggers sound incredibly inconvenient.

I just usually try and be as honest as I can and just say that that kind of humer just isn't something I'm comfortable with.

My other trigger, ---- the smell of cigarettes, I am actually lucky enough to have a good and perfectly true reason for avoiding, sinse I sing sort of seriously, and cigarette smoke causes major throat issues.

My T actually accused me of trying to controll the situation by asking others not to use that type of humer, rather than trying ** who started all of this, one thing that really made me close to falling for her is that she noticed my reaction, made one comment about it, then fairly quickly realized it was genuine fear and discomfort not merely inicence and didn't do it again.


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#268418 - 12/23/08 08:53 AM Re: worried, intollerence of my phobia? [Re: dark empathy]
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
Hi Dark,

A major trigger for me is being alone with another male in any circumstance. I become unnerved and I quickly begin looking for an escape. This plays havoc with medical exams, dentist visits, patient visits, and interviews. Considering Iím an RN this is not good. None-the-less, this is my cross to carry.

I donít know that I will ever be over it. Iím sure some have noticed it. I canít help it and donít have a solution. I try to stay as cheerful as possible and exit as soon as Iím able. I guess I have accepted it. If anyone has any suggestions I would appreciate it. I donít have a T yet, have had many psychiatrists. It is amazing, some say, that Iíve been able to get this far. See my story.

Cheers,
Juni




Edited by Juni (12/23/08 08:54 AM)
_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

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