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#268116 - 12/20/08 06:17 PM why?
sportinrucks Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 422
Loc: Louisiana
Sometimes I ask myself why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?


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#268119 - 12/20/08 06:34 PM Re: why? [Re: sportinrucks]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1936
Loc: durham, north england
It happened because someone was hateful, selfish and dispicable.

You did nothing to deserve it.

The problem of course for everyone here, ---- most! certainly including me, is that it's easy to say that and mean that for another person, infinitely, a thousand times harder to believe that for yourself.

but keep trying!


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#268120 - 12/20/08 06:40 PM Re: why? [Re: sportinrucks]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Alex,

When we ask, "Why did this happen to me," it makes it sort of sound like childhood sexual abuse is part of the natural order of things. The sun comes up in the morning...that happens. Childhood sexual abuse, I think, doesn't just happen. It is something that is done to us. Reframing it in that way, helps to understand that we did not deserve it.

Doing that, helps place the responsibility where it lies, on the people that pervert and or distort our trust and use it to satisfy their own selfish desires.

I understand what you are asking...and, I do not know a single survivor who hasn't asked that a hundred times. I guess, maybe the best response might just be...that, asking why is a very esssential part of the process, an important step...especially if it invites us to consider that we did not deserve it.


:-)


Dave

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#268122 - 12/20/08 07:17 PM Re: why? [Re: ttoon]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Alex,

There will never be a satisfactory answer as to why this happened to us. We happened to meet the wrong person at the wrong time at the wrong place and he took advantage of us.

We can never changed what he or they did to us. But we can change how we view and react emotionally with what happen. To learn to live life in a more healthy and self rewarding way.

We can do this once we accept that it happened to us and start looking for the HOW we can overcome our abuse. You have lots of examples of fellow survivors doing that right here and right now. Please join us when you are able.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#268126 - 12/20/08 08:15 PM Re: why? [Re: michael banks]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 979
Loc: HULBERT OK
You did not do any thing. You were just someone that was chosen as a victom . People that are sexual preditors usely pick people as a power and domanation issue. That is why adults and older childern. pick on the younger children . This also includes people that are in a posision of athurity that abuse there power over others . The world is just full of sick bastards

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#268140 - 12/20/08 09:23 PM Re: why? [Re: OKIE MIKE]
marianne Offline


Registered: 12/20/08
Posts: 3
Loc: France
This "guilt thing" is terrible! we always think we're responsible for what happenend to us! But is it true all the time?
sorry you don't know me, i'm a newbie from france, but i know a forum in France that talk about the same things...and i often discuss with people there.
well it's time to got to bed 3:22 PM
bonne soirée

_________________________
I'marianne, from France, sorry for my english!!! ;

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#268148 - 12/20/08 11:07 PM Re: why? [Re: sportinrucks]
MichaeldR Offline


Registered: 12/02/08
Posts: 36
Loc: South Carolina
The answer, Sportinrucks, is the you didn't deserve it.

I've stopped asking why I am as I am. I have a lot of outside issues, at least not directly-related issues (to childhood sexual abuse) in my life that I also did not ask for: I'm gay, Jewish, and alcoholic.

I've stopped asking why, and started asking "What am I going to do about it". This is far more important to my life than why, which for me is a waste of time and energy. When I go to the WHY questions I'm on slippery ice. I'm living in self-pity and anger, and I can afford neither for very long. These things lead to an alcoholic relapse or suicide for me. Today I want to LIVE!

Regards,

_________________________
Mike

My mantras:

Easy Does I - - - - - - Là où il y a la vie il y a l'espoir.
One Day At A Time - - - Là où il y a l'espoir: la vie.
First Things First- - - Where there's life there's hope.
LIVE and Let Live - - - Where there is hope: life.

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#268149 - 12/20/08 11:19 PM Re: why? [Re: marianne]
MichaeldR Offline


Registered: 12/02/08
Posts: 36
Loc: South Carolina
Marianne: (English follows below)

Si vous plait, vous me diriez où je peux trouver le forum de langue française sur l'Internet. Je suis très intéressé par une telle chose, non seulement pour me, mais pour certains de mes amis francophones.

Avec mes compliments plus élevés,

Je m'appelle,
Michel-david

Marianne:

Please direct me to the French internet forum. I ask not only for myself, but also for my French-speaking friends.

_________________________
Mike

My mantras:

Easy Does I - - - - - - Là où il y a la vie il y a l'espoir.
One Day At A Time - - - Là où il y a l'espoir: la vie.
First Things First- - - Where there's life there's hope.
LIVE and Let Live - - - Where there is hope: life.

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#268172 - 12/21/08 06:16 AM Re: why? [Re: MichaeldR]
marianne Offline


Registered: 12/20/08
Posts: 3
Loc: France
I totally agree with you Mike about the WHY questions which do not help, but make ourselves trapped in our own minds. There's no end to a why question, no escape in a way, so you have to jump out from the question itself, make a turn in the mind and act, starting from reality : I am what I am and what I am need no excuses, would say Gloria! ;))

I'v came to this forum by a link given by a guy in "my" forum. There's not so much topics about boys only there, it's about rape and sexual abuse in general, and there's most girls but boys are welcome and we have some french-speaking people like canadian also.
The link (general one): http://forum.doctissimo.fr/doctissimo/pedophilie-viol/liste_sujet-1.htm
there's a topic called "entre mec edition 3"
my pseudo there is "sourcevive"

nice day to everyone

_________________________
I'marianne, from France, sorry for my english!!! ;

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#268177 - 12/21/08 07:24 AM Re: why? [Re: marianne]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
and we have some french-speaking people like canadian also.

Ding! J'arrive! I'm in!

Salut Marianne!

J'aimerais te remercier d'avoir laisse l'info concernant Doctissimo. J'ai un ami ici, qui s'apelle Joel, et il cherche, sans cesse des resources francophone pour nos freres francophone. Tu vas faire son connaissance sans doute!

Joyeux Noel et Bonne Annee Marianne!

Jim

Dear Marianne:
I'd like to thank you for leaving the information concerning Docissimo. I have a friend here named Joel, and he is always looking for francophone resources for our francophone brothers.Without a doubt, you will meet him!

Marry Christmas and Happy New Year Marianne!
Jim



Edited by Geeders (12/21/08 07:39 AM)
Edit Reason: Spelling faux pas
_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#268182 - 12/21/08 09:24 AM Re: why? [Re: Geeders]
petercorbett Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, My Friends/Brothers. Yes we sure do spend way too much time trying to figure out why. I think that some of the answers above probably have put it in the right perspective.

Marianne, Let me welcome you aboard. You are in the right place, at the right time, with the right people. From us, you will be given understanding, compasion and love. As you can see under our names it (most of the time tells where we're from) as you can see I'm right next door to your country. Please consider me your Friend/Brother in healing.

Geeders, All that French, wow, maybe you can help translate some of the posts to Marianne. By the way where I lived in the country, Billerica, Massachusetts, as a boy. The biggest city close by was Lowell, and there, there was a very large French population, and in those days the parents spoke French to their children at home, and the kids spoke English to their school and play mates, French and English was also taught in the Catholic schools in Lowell. One of the boys with me in that Catholic orphanage/Home was of French extraction, spoke with a French accent, and his name was Rudolph Chaput, or Chapo. Not sure of the spelling. Heal well my Friends/Brothers.
Pete (Irishmoose)





Edited by petercorbett (12/21/08 09:26 AM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#268190 - 12/21/08 11:40 AM Re: why? [Re: petercorbett]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Brother's and Sisters;

My 2 cents... Why was such a drag on my healing and recovery; which I have come to see as a loss leader/red herring, all of my attempts to understand the whys have been not borne fruit. I, with the help of a dear friend and brother in recovery, have come to see that I was looking for a "rational" explanation for "irrational" acts, and that ain't ever going to bare fruit!

He then led me to see a gem of wisdom in the AA Big Book;

"and acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today"

p417 of the 4th edition

The other why that was related and also troubled me was "why am I as I am"... I obsessed on this for too long as well, it may be different in that it is not irrational looking for rational... I have come to accept that there is no continuous set of gears that connect my first day of life and each experience to outcomes in the future. Life if far more complex than that and my isolating in my head to "figure out why I am as I am" is simply a source of pain and frustration... Again I accept that this is an untenable problem and that I am best advised to accept myself where I am and work on healing and following God's will as she has chosen to reveal it to me, thus far.

Simply put :-\ when I focus on the journey at hand, each moment of the day, I am able enjoy what life has to offer and my healing is a natural part of the journey; a journey that I am led through by improving my conscious contact with the God of my understanding.

Love always, your Brother Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#268194 - 12/21/08 12:27 PM Re: why? [Re: wes-b]
marianne Offline


Registered: 12/20/08
Posts: 3
Loc: France
It feels like we were talking about spirituality, or reading together an Echkart Tolle book wink
I appreciate this spirit that i don't encounter on the french forum, and i'm sometimes sorry about it, cause it's my biggest interest
but some victims feel like you negate (is it right?? don't hesitate to correct me anytime by the way!)them and their stories if you're talking about accept what happenened.
Or it's not the case, of course.
Ìt's about not staying stuck in the past, and totally identified with the terrible events which happened there.

Thanks for welcoming me peter corbett, jim and michel david!!
actually, i'm more here to bring support thant to ask about it, even if some facts of my past can be linked to sexual abuse....



Edited by marianne (12/21/08 12:28 PM)
_________________________
I'marianne, from France, sorry for my english!!! ;

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