boy, i am bit overwhelmed by the amount of insight and honesty you have with regard to your sexual identity. thanks for sharing that guys.
my sexual identity process has pretty much much unfolded along these lines:
age 0 to ? : frustration
loved and wanted to be close to mom [a lot of competition tho; as the second born of 8 who survived, she carried 12 pregnancies to full term, so needless to say wasn't a lot of one-on-one time with her, if any]
around age 11 : awakening
joined scouts: i was in boy heaven. that's when i knew that there was something different about me in relation to other boys. i just was not interested in what they were doing, but rather was attracted to them, but in a way i did not understand. i wanted more of them than i felt i was 'supposed' to want.
a new family moved into the neighborhood; i was not much into male friends at the time; there were a lot of boys in the neighborhood, but i developed a relationship with two of them: jimmy and joey. i did not feel sexual toward jimmy but i was head over heels for joey, and i didn't start to think about him sexually in a physical sense until after my older brother had started to use me for sex.
12 and on: emerging
in 8th grade [even though in my own mind i had my 'boyfried', joey, it seemed necessary to project an image of liking girls, so out of fear i started to construct this false me as a person who seemed heterosexual. [i was already suppressing my true orientation] when i went to the 8th grade dance, i heard that 'kitty' liked me, and so i asked her to dance. it was an odd moment, but since we danced together that made us boyfriends and girlfriends for the rest of the year. we never kissed or anything like that though.
my brother's abuse started around that time, and it was around 9th grade that i began to fantasize about joey and other boys in our class. our high school was not co-ed, so i spent the whole day with males, except for recess and band.
my world further expanded when i began working at the age of 14, and became exposed to a wider spectrum of male types. i soon worked at the local university in the dining room during my high school years, and so i was now around a lot of late adolescent college types, and older males representing a variety of economic and social strata. they were fascinating to me.
i started to like barbara streisand........... ;-)
one night, when we were sleeping in a tent in the back yard, joey tried to grab my crotch and initiate sex; i was terrified and pulled away. in my own heart and mind i wanted more than sex with him; i wanted something pure, and did not want to destroy the purity of what i felt for him. i did not know that then, but i do now. my brother had already poisoned me to the wonderful sharing of mutual affection that can be shared between two people, since he initiated me in objectification and secrecy and shame.
later on in high school, it became fashionable in the neighborhood to have a girlfriend or boyfriend. joey chose mary lou [who would later become my wife] and i chose bobbie. we spent time kissing and making out in the hammock on the porch and bobbie had voluptuous breasts which were intriguing, and i got to fondle them while we were necking. the sexual heat was pretty intense of a couple of kids our age but still, no tendency to seek out the vagina.
18 and onward:
joined the navy, came out in boot camp where i met no less than 4 flamers!; on liberty we went to the chicago 'y' got drunk and had our dicks sucked by strangers. abuse? i definitely was not thinking about relationship with women, since i was now free from the tethering cultural circle i was locked into while at home with my family.
at age 19 i began to be pretty promiscuous, and by age 20 had been raped several times, and the worst was when i cornered and had a knife held to my throat. that one is hard to relive. but so far, i have not had any type of 'relationship' to speak of. just serial sexual experiences and lots of fantasizing.
i was released from the service in my 20th year, went back home, fully identified as gay and was just waiting for my 21st birthday so i could start drinking at public bars.
my perp brother died which signaled an era of confusion for me. just weeks before he died he ended the sexual relationship that had intermittently over the last 8 years. the rejection was confusing and devastating.
in response i went 'straight' and started doing what my other brothers were doing: getting married. although their marriages came about because of unexpected pregnacies, i married mary lou; joey had moved to california, and i heard from him never again. what a better way to be close to the memory of him than to marry one of his ex girlfriends? what a tangled web we weave.
me and mary lou married. she was aware of my sexual abuse history, and i thought that she was 'safe' since she had been entrusted with information that was very personal. well, she had her own issues that had not been dealt with.
it was at that time that i got involved accidentally in church music, and because our emotional lives were so messed up, we used the new society to hide and avoid confronting our joint pain. neither one of our families thought much of psychologists, and her mom already had a secret in her life that caused her on several occasion to be admitted to the psych ward in the local hospital.
23-31 [the miserable years]
tried to make the marriage work, but the demons of guilt and shame won! thankfully though, i felt worse about having my kids brought up in the context of a relationship that modeled dysfunction. i wanted them to have better than i did. so me and the mom, after a bout with therapy, split.
31 and beyond [the recovery years]
recovery from every addiction imaginable. yes even recovery from recovery.
tho in the early stages, about 7 years into it, i began to wonder if my sexual identity had been confused as a result of having been molested, and allowed myself to get involved in a relationship with marie. there was really no emotional involvement, and sexually, there was no interest, but looking back i can see it was just out of boredom and fear of having no other option that i entertained the possiblity----i figured i should give it one more shot! luckily, it ended 2 years after it started, after i realized that she was merely looking for someone to punish for what her ex-husband had done to hurt her.
that was back in 94, and i have not backsliden since then. :-)
actually i was in two 5 year relationship [that's really a stretch to call them that ] with a couple of guys, but there again, i was looking for love in all the wrong places. sexually i felt obliged to accommodate their desires and that drove a wedge between us. what i have learned about myself, is that i can't abide the shortcut method to automatic trust in a relationship. trust happens and gets built into the supergenes of a relationship over a thousand exchanges.
today i accept my sexuality as being what it is, however, i find myself less attracted initially to people in general, and was surprised recently to feel a mini crush on one of the guys who goes to the church i work for.
i have a hard time determining in a given situation if it is my sexual energy being broadcast, or if what i am feeling is a transmission from another person.
at any rate, i still like males a lot, and find them so fascinating and interesting, and often times get the urge to unwrap them.
funny thing sexual energy. i try not to let it go to my big head these days.
well, guys, you really didn't expect a short answer from me now, did you?