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#278560 - 03/07/09 02:04 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: src]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 265
Loc: Undisclosed
Originally Posted By: src
I just don't understand this completely. I am afraid to ask my husband because either he wont know, too afraid to answer or perhaps I am afraid of the truth.


Well, I don't understand it completely, and this IS my life. Simply I am afraid.


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#278561 - 03/07/09 02:19 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: brother2none]
christianfather Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/08
Posts: 116
Loc: TN
Brother2none,

Before talking to you wife why not sit down and organize some boundaries or rules. Let her know that you need to talk to her about this issue, but due to the fact that you are still coming to terms and understanding of the issue yourself that she can not ask any question regarding this particular issue until you become comfortable with it her self and able to give her honest and knowledgeable information yourself. And if she does ask a question that you can't answer be honest with her and tell her you don't know and that your researching it and will answer her question when you know what the answer is yourself.

SRC the same would apply to you as the wife of a survivor. He may not know that answer right now. I doubt most of us do as we first discover the truth about ourselves and CSA. You can be patient loving and understanding as he and the rest of us come to terms with our pain and acting out.


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#279103 - 03/11/09 07:40 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: christianfather]
src Offline


Registered: 01/28/09
Posts: 14
Thank you all for responding. I know my desire to understand his thoughts and reasoning sometimes overwhelm me. I just get in a mood to know what he was thinking during his time looking at gay porn or talking to men on the phone or engaging in sexual acts with them.

I tried to engage in this discussion on Friday and it didnt go too far. He did express the need to feel more comfortable about talking about it especially since he did not understand his own actions. He did respond to some of my questions, others he did state he just didnt know.

I didnt get upset, but felt like I had to just get it off my chest. I understand that he may need time to organize his history and process everything and make those connections. I just sometimes wonder about what am I supposed to do in the meantime. I am in a S-Anon group and go to my own therapist and I am working on my own issues, but sometimes I just get frustrated with no answers,no understanding on his part. I think how long will it take for him to understand his actions? 2 years....am I supposed to wait until then?

I will feel so much better when he is able to sit me down and say wife...this is my story...this is why I cheated on you....this is what happened to me when I was 10....and my abuse lead to...... The times I acted out I was thinking ...... and when I engaged in sexual activity I .....

I just want him to be able to tell me his story. I understand all the theories about CSA effects, but I am not able to align it with his story..because I don't know too much of what happened, how, why, etc.

Brother2none you said you were afraid....what are you afraid of?
My husband just gets paralyzed sometimes when I ask questions about his acts with other men....he isnt able to answer most of my questions. Is it really that you all don't understand your actions or more afraid to tell your wives your thoughts during your acting out...maybe we will leave or get upset ?

He says he feels shame when he thinks about his activities with other men. Some of my questions were:

1. Are you attracted to males? if yes, what attracts you?

He answered no. But I wonder why not..especially if you can do what you did and look at gay porn. How is this possible?

2. When you look at gay porn...what are you looking at specifically? Do you get aroused ? what excites you about these acts?

I get no answer here.

3. What did you talk about with these men?

He says not sex..just general conversation....like with your other friends. So I wonder why not just talk with your friends or me?

I won't list all my questions, but as a wife these are some of my thoughts.

But, thank you all for responding again. Any more thoughts, recommendations, etc.?

SRC


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#279115 - 03/11/09 08:49 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: src]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303
SRC

Quick response in the Friends and Family Forum


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#279116 - 03/11/09 08:57 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: src]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 265
Loc: Undisclosed
SRC, I am going to answer your questions, to the best I can, with complete candor.

I am afraid that the conversation will go to places that I don't want to admit to. I thought of sex with other men over all the years Ive known my wife. I think she will see it in my eyes. I would expect her to leave me. I feel it would be deserved.

I hesitate to call it "acting out". For me, that doesn't feel like it fits for me, but I am seeking to understand it more. I know damn well it is wrong. I feel guilty about this.

I don't expect to ever have sex with another, and I have been tempted plenty 'o times, on a weekly basis.

Your other questions...
I am attracted to other males that are my "type". What attracts me is their physical presence, body, physique, etc... without being too graphic.

When I masturbate, which is couple times a week, I almost always fantasize about male sex. When my wife and I have sex, also couple times a week, I have learned to stay in the moment and enjoy, and what a huge pleasure that is for me, our sex life is best its ever been.

When I look at gay porn, I am transported to another state of mind that enables me to totally escape out of my head, gone are my worries for that amount of time. I look for men in the act. Plain and simple. What excites me is that I desire to do it.

I don't really engage in any meaningful personal conversation, just enough to get off.

I am answering you SRC in the hope that it is helpful to you and that someone reading can identify something in me or about me that I am not seeing. Replies appreciated, either here or PM. Thanks.



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#279122 - 03/11/09 09:52 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: brother2none]
src Offline


Registered: 01/28/09
Posts: 14
Hi Brother2none-

Thanks for your response and honesty. I know every case is different, but it lets me know somebody understands me. Was your wife aware that you identified as bisexual? I asked my husband that over and over again.....and he thinks he is not bisexual....but I sometimes think " Is is hard for him to admit this?" ...is he in denial??? trying to have the ideal family.

I've asked him this many times and told him that the best thing he could do for me ..is give me a choice this time? Let me decide if I want to be with you under these condition (bi, straight, CSA, addict...whatever...but I need honesty from the heart. No more lies or deception. I told him that he deserves to be who he is and to be happy and if being with just me and a female aint it....then he needs to be honest. Brother2none I just want the truth of what he feels in his heart...not his illusion of what life should be like (married w/kids, big house and nice car, good job).

He has expressed alot of guilt and shame with his actions. I asked him was he attracted to guys....he said no. He did say that now that he thinks about it...when he looked at porn...he looked at men with light complexions andnot dark ones (his abuser had fair skin), also most the scenes took place in the living room. Now, I am not sure what that all means...but that was the little bit he gave me. I was also intersted in knowing what is the positions, penis size, etc., physical appearence ? I read a few posts here where some men expressed facination with certain aspects of the porn.

He also expressed issues with masterbation ...but did not tell me what he thought about and whether he masterbated to gay porn.
But, he admitted that it was a problem.

He described a similar feeling when looking at porn...a place away from stress, relief, another state of mind, escape, release.
But when he was finished..he felt guilt, shame and said that was the last time. Always that was the last time...but never let it go until I found out in Nov. I dont know if it excites him to do it. I am not sure if I would get an answer.

He said his conversation were like any other conversations.....no about sex, but i guess basic chat. He said that he isnt out looking for sex or hook-ups. But, expressed that he knew something was wrong with the scenario....he shouldnt be talking to these guys...he is amarried man.

I am not sure if I am the best person to answer your last question. But, as a wife ....I can give you my perspective and maybe something maybe useful to you. You and your wife have a very long marriage. My husband and I are only in year 2....May will make 3 years. I feel like such a failure sometimes...my marriage started with secrets and lies. I wasnt given any options. ...he made decisions for me. I don' t appreciate it...because I shared all my secrets and issues with him.

Thank you so much for sharing. How does your wife deal with it?
How long has she known about it?

SRC


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#279154 - 03/12/09 07:06 AM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: src]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303
SRC

Has you husband NOT actually had sex? Just porn and chat?

Brother2tone,

While I know some of the guys here have said don't tell your wife everything, take time to talk with her, etc....

If you're still having anonymous sex, then you're still putting your wife's health at risk. And that's not really an issue that we should allow ourselves the luxury of dealing with in our OWN time. You're not dealing ONLY with your own time, you're dealing with hers as well. And she deserves to take necessary precautions in relation to her own physical well-being.

You're depriving her of her right to give consent about the disposal of her own body. Kind of just like what happened to you when you were a child, no consent on your part.

Your wife has not consented to have sex with you.

I admire your commitment to work on your issues. I really do. It takes guts.

But it's also as simple as that. All that great sex you and your wife are having is being had without her consent.

I know there's a risk in talking about harsh realities that you'll run and hide, and grab hold of those rationalizations you've employed, and then nothing will change.

I hope that doesn't happen.

And while I respect some of the guy's response to you in the sense that it comes from a place of protecting you, which is laudable, your wife also deserves protection.

Rob too has cheated for years, and continued lying to me about some stuff. Why? Sure, there's a long story there, but there's also a sense in which it's as simple as this: For the sake of his orgasm. That's it. He's held people captive just so he can have an orgasm.

What a trade-off.... "Your life for my orgasm".

In most other respects, he's a pretty good guy.

Katie


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#279155 - 03/12/09 08:09 AM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: Kathryn]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303
P.S.

It just seems to me that healing is both about recognizing the harsh realities of our own actions, and thus to really feel a sense of mourning, not only for how we've treated others, but the damage that was done to our development back when we were children -- as well as the damage we've continued to perpetrate against our selves as adults.

Just doubt this can be done without screwing up the courage to risk losing those who we've damaged, without being honest, and ending what really is a hostage situation.

Being stuck in feelings of "wanting" to talk with your wife, but being too afraid to because she might reject you, is just that -- being stuck.

While it's your decision to remain stuck, it's really not your decision to keep sticking her. Whether she's stuck or not is HER decision, not yours to make.

Morally speaking of course.

AA says: "We're as sick as our secrets". Boy, is that true.

It's up to you if you want to remain as sick as your secrets or not.

But your wife shouldn't be made as sick as your secrets -- unless she chooses to.

Take care Brother2Tone -- I really mean no harm in all of this. I'm not without empathy of your struggles. But all deserve empathy, it's not something we selectively give out to whoever it's most convenient.

And I wouldn't be so sure you're bisexual, at least not in the sense of attachment to others irrespective of the sexed body so that it's the person who counts more than their sex.

Sounds to me it's more a paraphilia than a sexual orientation, otherwise both the man's and your wife's subjectivity would be playing a larger role in the way you are currently conducting your life. When people are reduced to objects we manipulate to play a role in our private theater, then orientation in a full sense is in question -- in the sense that orientation is about who we're drawn to as potential mates with whom we bond for relatively long periods of time.

Katie


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#279194 - 03/12/09 03:24 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: Kathryn]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 265
Loc: Undisclosed
SRC: I do not know the answers to your questions.

Kathryn: I am trying to take it all in, what you wrote. It is difficult to keep focused and make meaning. I asked for feedback and I need the feedback, I need to be challenged here.

I am moved that you cared enough of me to reply to me, and my post.




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#279219 - 03/12/09 06:50 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: brother2none]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303
I'm glad.

My intent is to honor you enough to address those aspects that are good and kind, and who loves your wife.

And who takes the time and care to participate on a site like this.

It's hard, but you CAN do it -- you have it in you.

Take care,
Katie


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