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#277909 - 03/02/09 08:06 AM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: royjay]
riveerboy Offline


Registered: 02/04/09
Posts: 84
Loc: Indiana
Originally Posted By: royjay
how do you deal with straight men flirting with you? I'm not sure of my response!!


My first thought was...the down low guys? The sexually active straight men looking for a receptacle, where ever they find it. Scary. You as an individual are being targeted by others for their sexual pleasure, more than your heart, your being.

My second thought was ... are they playing with you?

Either way, it doesn't sound promising for personal growth, to buy into their reflecting who you are by their needs and wants.


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#277913 - 03/02/09 09:30 AM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: riveerboy]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
If straight men are flirting with gays
are they expressing ssa but not restraining themselves from having sex?
my csa has messed me up
I have chosen to be hetro

but my csa manifests ssa so yes I find myself flirting with gays
I hope I have not decended into my needs and wants
I hope I show more respect
Gays are men too. Men, like me with personalities, lives to live.

If I gave in and searched for sex that would for me be giving into my baser desires of lust / needs and desires = selfishness.
that would be wrong.

Some gays have flirted with me.
some propositioned me
one harassed me all day every day in the office
braging of his conquests at the top of his voice
I felt totally intimidated and hid my ssa out of fear

Nathan


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#277914 - 03/02/09 09:48 AM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: Sans Logos]
riveerboy Offline


Registered: 02/04/09
Posts: 84
Loc: Indiana
I see myself as a straight guy that happens to love a guy. I identify with gay issues and some social things, but I act, think, and feel straight. I am human and try to be just who I am. Right now I am trying to be who I was born to be. It is part of my process, my journey.

How do I see myself sexually?....1. I see myself as bisexual to straight. I have a kid history and a grown up history, as sexually gay. I have no idea on how to be a man with a woman, sexually. I have no feel for relating to a woman. I grew up where I would fall in love and get married. I grew up not learning to deal with the world. Not learning to deal or think sexually about the opposite sex. When I finally did, I called myself gay and shut that part of me down.

Sexually, in the past I was a man giving up my manhood (not masculinity) to another in love, in sex, in life. I had no concept of being a man and giving myself, as a man, to another. To give up myself completely or be abandoned.

I am 55 and just now getting to the parts I should have been going through at ten or eleven years old. That's me.


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#277937 - 03/02/09 04:41 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person? [Re: AndyS87]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Andy
I think you pretty well sum up the evil of csa

"I really regret that instead of me being able to discover sex like normal kids do I ended up having it dumped on me when I was too young to realize what any of it was about."

It grieves me that it seems I have to grieve lost innocence
by definition innocence cannot be recovered
through cleansing or purification and undoing csa induced thought patterns
I believe my sexuality can be restored
sure that's a faith thing, my Christian hope I hang onto
it's also why I am in recovery
otherwise I would be drowning in my despair
or gay after giving into csa induced ssa
no reflection on guys who are gay
just my position

Nathan


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#278434 - 03/06/09 08:55 AM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: riveerboy]
src Offline


Registered: 01/28/09
Posts: 14
Could someone help a wife understand this ? How does a man who considers himself heterosexual bring himself to look at gay porn and engage in sexual acts with a man?

- What are your thoughts when looking at porn?
- What are your thoughts when engaging in sexual acts with a man?


I just don't understand this completely. I am afraid to ask my husband because either he wont know, too afraid to answer or perhaps I am afraid of the truth.


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#278443 - 03/06/09 10:18 AM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: src]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
.



Edited by joelRT (03/15/09 01:21 AM)
Edit Reason: leaving
_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#278462 - 03/06/09 01:06 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: joelRT]
src Offline


Registered: 01/28/09
Posts: 14
Thanks JoelRT. My husband and I actually had two consultations with Joe...and he is great. Yah know I understand the theories and how CSA can manifest itself this way. I guess I am searching for the thoughts of the mind of a SMSM. What do they think about when they engage in these behaviors? Are they thinking about the wives and kids at home?

I dont know how to ask him these questions without making his freeze up and isolate himself. But it is just on my mind...I want to know.... his fantasies about men? what was it about the porn he was attracted to? What excited him if anything?

Can someone help me understand the mind of a man who has relations with another man? Also, how do I begin this conversation with him?

I know that I may not need to know everything about the encounters...because it may even hurt me more....I am trying to figure out how to draw this line between knowing too much. But, I still have unanswered questions for him. So, I guess I am trying to understand his thoughts threw the lens of a few other CSA's.

Thanks to anyone who can respond to my questions.
Thanks again JoelRT.

"A wife just trying to understand her husbands behavior and thought process".


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#278468 - 03/06/09 02:40 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: src]
tony2c Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
Dear Src
As a man who is married for 30yrs and who because of childhood CSA - was very confused about my sexuality through most of my early life. maybe I can help
Intimacy with my father was sexual between the ages of 5 - 8yrs.
He also abused other boys in the neighborhood and they acted out sexually with me, especially 2 brothers who were neighbors and about 4years older than me. So sex was an expression of intimate "love" relationship with dear old dad--- and play time with buddies.
As i got older and realized it was all wrong, I was already programmed to think sex=intimacey and play. my teen years were the most painful of my life.
I was different. There is no other way to say it. I had great friends, who I grew up with, great guys but they were "normal" and not feeling what I was feeling. I surpressed and surpressed and surpressed. But I needed outlets - one of them was porn. I could have the "play" time at my discretion without being discovered. it was my way of controlling.
I came to realize I wasn't controlling it -- it was controlling me. I acted out with men in my late teens, but after felt very uncomfortable with the out of control eroticism involved. It was nothing like the friendships I had( I to this day thank God for them), that were based on common interests and trust, they were relationships of infatuation and exploitation.

After years of therapy and delaing with the Issues, I began to gain some control.
I had to learn not to panic about fantasies involving men, it was "normal" for me to experience that because of csa. When you don't panic about those things and realize they are learned behaviors it helps control it. Not eliminate it totally, I find I act out when there is something missing in my life, lack of nights out with the guys, not having enough male friends etc.
I went on too long I hope that this helps- If it does it gives all those year of suffering some value. God bless you and grant you his peace.

_________________________
we are so accustomed to adopting masks before others, that we wind up being unable to recognize ourselves

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#278479 - 03/06/09 05:09 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: src]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
.



Edited by joelRT (03/15/09 01:21 AM)
Edit Reason: leaving
_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

Top
#278481 - 03/06/09 05:55 PM Re: how do you see yourself as a sexual person *** [Re: tony2c]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Originally Posted By: tony2c
When you don't panic about those things and realize they are learned behaviors it helps control it. Not eliminate it totally,


i can attest to this truth and it has been at the foundation of my emancipation from obsessive compulsive behaviors that previously dogged me my entire life.

until i 'stopped panicking', stopped trying to play lady macbeth [out out damned spot!] and began to accept things as being the case, i was condemned to being entrapped by these circular behaviors.

the wisdom of finding the 'middle ground' is ageless, and has appeared as guiding wisdom in all spiritual tradition.

and once the middle ground is embraced, which is a place of no judgment and complete acceptance, then and only then can the deprogramming begin. as shame is recognized to be the glue binding all of these mental blocks in place, little by little their iron clad grasp loosens; as the dissonace is realized, faced, and reckoned with, it is ultimately dissolved.

once that happens then new programming can take place, not infiltrated with fear, self-loathing and shame.

not being in a relationship at the time, i'm hard pressed to characterize my sexual behaviors as being 'acting out' behaviors, because i am not really doing anything deceptive. i've made no promises to anyone to be exclusive in my behaviors. i am not ruling out the possibility however. if it happens for me, well ok!

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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