I need some feed back. Sexualy abused as child. Married 15 years and paid to be with another man for sex. Scared to death

It is normal for survivors to act out with other men. Sexual Orientation confusion is common as well and as you progress in your recovery I think you'll get your answer. One big thing is you need to try to be faithful to your wife. I know that can be difficult but you need to work on it on this site or preferably with a therapist who has experience with Male CSA.

Jason

Brother,

There are many of us who have walked in those shoes... focus on your healing and recovery, you can do it! Remember, there are a whole lot of people here to help and support you along the way. Jason gave you sage advice, grab it and run with it.

With love, Wes

Thank you I was so scared as I am hiv neg. and I am playing with fire. I have read about penatration and how it feels good and now that is what I fantasise about. I feel so confused and have a wonderful wife and daughter and I am realy hurting inside. I have had alot go on in this last year got realy sick was out of work for 5 mounths. I couldn't drive had to pushed in a wheel chair to physical therapy. I am in the process of filing bankrupcy and lost my sister in september 3 days before her 46 birthday. I did not cry at the funeral but lately have been shedding tears here and there. sorry for so long realy needed someone to vent to.

Glad your here and I am one of those that have walked in your shoes as Wes says.... (been there done that got the tee shirt) now trying to figure out and life a life with integrity. I also think Jason's advice is spot on, however I would add that it is defintently work lots of work and anymore I subscribe to the old creed "progress not prefection" creed.

I keep working but ain't there yet - but the work has been worth it so far even if the journey is not completed yet. (probably never will be)

Take care and be carefull and safe

man apart from beinpaid for gay sex
its my struggle too

I have concluded that for me - oh shit this is hartd to say
memories of sexuialy abused as a child / flash backs
set off unwanted gay feelings

I concluded I have sexual desire
perverted by a man fondling my rocks and setting off sexual feelings
he had no right to do

don't know if it helps you but it breaks my fear to talk it over

I am chosig not to have gay sex
but its a struggle to resist the desire

Nathan 568

Well, tough question. to be honest, I don't think you have given enough information for anyone to really tell you if you're str8 or not.

Just because you've had sex with a man (whether you paid for it or not) does not mean you're gay or even bi. I perceive sexuality as existing on a spectrum, as if you're looking at a spectrum of color between black and white. On one extreme there is true black and on the other there is true white. everything in between is a shade of grey, but nothing in between is true black or true white. Sexuality is the same, some people lean a little more toward the "black" side, and others more toward the "white" side... or you could say the "gay" side and "str8" side. some people extend a bit further to one side or the other. few are all the way to one side or the other, and most fall somewhere around the middle.

So, where are you? It sounds like the jury is out. I have had sex with a woman, but I am most definitely gay. I'm not a lipstick carrying purse packing, high heels kicking one... but damnit I prefer my kind of plumbing.

I think what you need to do is a lot of soul searching. I mean... what typically gets you up? and be honest with yourself. its easy to lie to yourself and say what society wants you to say... even to yourself. The most important part of self discovery is self honesty. so... if you really find yourself turned on by guys, then you might have something to go on. If sex with your wife is difficult, and/or you have to imagine "other" things... you might have more to go on. The key is... be honest with yourself, find out where you are on that scale, and then accept it, embrace it, and love it.

Good luck to you .
Allen

The Human Condition. Seems like we are all stuck in that dilema. I find that I am aroused by visual, words, and thoughts. My senses are a bridge from the outer world to the inner. Men, women, and sexuality somehow they bore deep into the depths of something inside of me. Whatever power there is driving these feelings is also inside of me. All I can do is try to seek what is inside without making a mistake, or worst, making an unforgiveable mistake. The worst part is trying to move forward without repressing the movement. Putting a label on things can make everything more difficult. First is being a human being and second, for me, is healing. Pursueing things in life can be a powerful current that can catch us up and sweep us away. Especially when others have a way of stepping in and tugging you along.

The only thought that popped in is guilt. You had sex with a guy and paid. If there is guilt it will also be an inhibitor to keep you from looking honestly at your situation. Guilt is a big deal breaker in healing, in growing. Good Luck.

Riverboy wrote:
"Men, women, and sexuality somehow they bore deep into the depths of something inside of me. Whatever power there is driving these feelings is also inside of me."

anyone able to help me? today I am being driven by these feelings.

I want to get control
instead of these feelings controlling me

being made worse by trying to give up smoking - shouldn't have started again but then I was triggered

Nathan

Nathan, my brother...

I may sound like a broken record (in the age of mp3's)... but calling my fellows and surrendering control to God as I understand Her is what works for me... when I allow my wounded brain to convince me that my will can do it I am sure to falter.

When it gets too much and I struggle with surrender I can go for a walk or find a household project to address -- manual labour works to keep me in the present --

With love and prayers, Wes

No lack of self-expression there! I loved this line - I just couldn't let it get passed up by all the subsequent responses.

I think I have to qualify myself as a survivor with a fully secured set of blinders on this issue - I haven't let myself think this stuff out too far.

I'm married, I love my wife, I'm a father of two and I'm okay with my role as it is right now. I don't find myself struggling with denial of desires or feelings (I can't say I'm 100% straight without a single thought of anything else) but I'm content with my relationship with my wife so I guess I haven't spent too much time thinking about the other thoughts. Wow - is that ever a Charlie Brown (wishy washy) answer.

Oh well - it's all I have so far.

I was csa by a man an evil man
who violated me against my will
and part of his evil deed was setting off sexual pleasure
so he set within me a same sex grove

but I don't have to be ruled by that
I do not have to take it as my orientation

in fact the csa I experienced made me sexually disorientated

Nathan

survivinguy, what a refreshing attitude! it is good witness to find that there are men who had been abused, yet who are not conflicted about their sexual orientation. you merely accept that it is what it is, without apology, without shame.

sweet!

ron

Survivinguy,

Glad to see that i am not the only one who does not struggle with same sex attraction. Was starting to feel totally unique and not normal. But right now I don't have alot of sexual desire one way or the other. Really just an non issue.
Just dealing with things as they come lately and my plate has been over flowing as of late.

Mike

MB,

Sorry to hear your plate is full or over flowing!

"unique and not normal" for not struggling with same sex attraction - that's a switch isn't it?

Watching my gay friends struggle with feeling 'not normal' in society and then hearing that not struggling with same sex attraction makes you feel 'not normal' among fellow MS'ers - makes me think sometimes just accepting ourselves for wherever we find ourselves and giving up on 'normal' would make a whole lot of people a whole lot more content....maybe.

PM me if you want to share whatever is on your plate, I think I have some room on my salad plate.

Surving,

Normal is one of the most useless words that people use to define themselves.

What is normal? Is that not a very individualistic term.
What is normal for you maynot be normal for me.

Mike

I agree completely - the idea of normal is what causes everyone such anxiety and isolation.

Hi guys.

Yep, Michael had got it right. "NORMAL" is a useless word.

Straight or not? Well i was married for almost 36 yrs. I had two sons, i've got 2 boy grandkis. Soon I will be seperated from my wife, by emotions (my lack of) and distance.

Looking back on my life, almost 70 yrs, I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't have been married in the first place. I never had any emotional attractions to girls/females. My "mother" was my first complete abuser. A male friend of the family took over from her. He gave me as a young boy his complete attention. He took an interest in me. He "taught" me things (good and bad). He gave me some emotional attraction and then on to sexual pleasures. My story is posted elsewhere. All my emotions throught my life was always towards males. Both sexually and pure emotionally. Emotionally towards my fellow brothers in that orphanage/Home, then onward throught my military career, and into my late adult years.

I have tons of emotions to my son and grand sons, I have tons of emotions toward my military friends (all males) all these are non sexual emotions.

But i never had any kind of emotions in my life for girls/females. With a brief exception in a span of 6 months with a very kind and loving German girl. (not my wife).

I have received all my "nurturing" emotionally and sexually from my main sexual abuser. I was his for years. All of my great sexual pleasures have come from a male, so very long ago. I have come to the conclusion both in my soul and what i have learned about myself in therapy. That i probably was always meant to be gay, just under the concious level of my mind all along.

Gay or straight? For me the choice is clear, gay. But for me I really don't care if i am "NORMAL" or not.

But for my brothers/friends on this particular subject.
I will accept YOU for just being YOU, whatever sexual orientation that you choose. I hope that this makes some sense to some one.

Heal well my brothers/friends.

Pete (Irishmoose)

Hi,
I was abused when I was 10. I definitely lean heavily toward the straight side but have had sexual encounters with men -- most when I was still in my 20s, a couple after 30. I have come to the conclusion, for myself anyway, that my interest in gay sex is more fantasy than reality. For years, I wondered if I just "did not want" to be gay and that I fantasized to meet that need or whatnot yet stopped short of actually having gay sex. Now, 20 years or so after my first gay encounter (willing, anyway) I am confident in my hetrosexuality, though not ignorant of my openness to the other side. What probably helped me reach some conclusion or comfort level is some gay friends -- three of them, over the years, who, in just observing me and getting to know me all were like, "Yep, it's clear you love women ... but can appreciate a guy now and then." Don't know if that helps at all, but ...

That is because he is gay, a hetrosexual man is bound to have major conflicts, just my 2 cents.....

Normal is a social and cutural dictate!

that certainly seems to be the consensus from when the topic of normalcy has arisen in the past here on the site.

if you do a search here on the word normal you'll net a alot of results which will give you a lot to read about how other male survivors are dealing with the topic, that's for sure.

ron

Actually, lately I've come to think of all of us here as normal. It's the rest of the world that isn't.

I mean, think of it this way, the "normal" people here are actually addressing, working on and dealing with their problems while the rest of the world just hides behind them.

Personally, I'm quite happy to be surrounded by so many normal people.

Peace all,

lars

[Michael steps up on his soapbox.]

As survivors, our thoughts and feelings of sex are tainted and skewed. Thus, I think we are even more apt to buy into the false idea of defining our sexuality strictly on our physical attraction. By doing so, we can be easily confused, especially since our physical attraction can be towards our preference and towards our abuser. Our bodies are taught to react sexually to all sorts of stimulus that may or may not fall in line with our sexuality and there really isn't much we can do about it than to understand it and manage it.

For that reason, I really think we should look at emotional connections. Who do you want to share your secrets with and grow old with? Who are you romantically attracted to? Who do you connect with? I think this would be a better guide for us than to start from the sexual/physical point. I also think this is safer.

[Michael steps down off soap box.]

Good luck, peace and love...

Michael

M3
I read your "soapbox" piece with great interest because it spoke volumes about what partners want as well.That is so what I want between me and my husband"someone to share our secrets with ,to grow old with,to connect with and to be romantic with". My problem is that this is what seems to be always unavailable.The sex seems to be available to everyone.You see why we are all confused.Perhaps making yourself emotionally available would be the greatest gift you could give any significant other.I know it would be for me.Physicalcommitment would be easy if the fear of emotional commitment was overcome don't you think.
Still want to try

Y'all are helping me BIG TIME! Keep talking! LOL!!!!!!!!

I have found (through EXPERIENCE...if you wanna call that research) that I don't particularly like men or women. I like love. That has been my dilemma all this time. Wanting so bad to hear someone say those three magic words, even if I knew they didn't mean them. They meant them for the moment!!! To feel somebody's arms around me as I snored (lol)! To wake up and have someone who was there because they WANTED TO BE...they could be male or female. They met the need...that's all I have cared about.

I want to be 100% straight instead of 50% either!! But the process of becoming that is hard.

Society says that it is ok to be gay or bi - especially if you are a product of CSA! Being a Christian (by choice, not by hearsay from mama and the crew), I believe it to be against the teachings of God and have TOLD HIM that I want to change. I do WELL for a moment...........then in seconds that moment becomes a thing of the past as I give in again to satisfy the temporary need to be held, accepted, appreciated, admired.......loved!? Not sure....

So...uh...you guys keep talking. At this very moment, you are the posters on the classroom wall and I am SO learning from you!

LOL!

NO SIR! YOU GET BACK UP THERE NOW! THIS INSTANT!!!!! If we were in church, I would raise a collection for you simply for that first statement! You preached!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW!

I don't know if a healthy attitude toward sex is even possible considering what my dad's brother, my older male cousins, and the captain of the football team in high school did to me...when i was either too young to defend myself or being held down and made to take it!!!!!!!!!!! WOW! Get back up there sir!!!

*giving Mr. Soapbox a standing ovation*

sorry, just saw this.....it's not because he is gay that he is not conflicted.....he's just not conflicted. ron