I'm not sure what is going to come out here so I'll just start writing. I'm rationalizing with myself that there really isn't a lot to say... it's all been said before. I'm exhausted and fed up with trying to recover, and acted out pretty harshly over the last week. I suppose out of exasperation.
But yet I know, and I know that you guys know, it will pass if I let it. It will get at least a little easier once my state of mind changes. Rationally, I know that I'm just down deep in the dumps, that I need to do more to look after my mental health, that I can't just sit by and wait for it to come to me.
I feel so far removed from any kind of life that I can imagine where I'm happy.
The hardest thing for me right now is Prop 8. And the mormon involvement in it. That my parents are mormon, and I was raised mormon. They voted for it. So I had a brilliant idea to get drunk for several days straight, throwing in the towel for a time and self medicating. Lubricated by the drinking, I called my parents a number of times and said a LOT of things. I'm feeling guilty about lashing out at them so hard. My Mom has her own depression issues, and they're not exactly young. I was not easy on them by a long shot.
But this site is not exactly about gay rights. I see Prop 8 as just kind of the superficial evidence on top of sexual abuse and problems with PTSD I think having a lot to do with both. Breaking news! The world isn't fair. But our journey is more daunting than for most, and I decided to drink for a few days rather than look up that steep road ahead.
I know, I know, stating the obvious about the world isn't part of the solution. The world just got to me over the last few weeks and I want to roll over and not fight anymore. At least that was the last several days, but things are starting to get more on track today and with therapy scheduled tomorrow.
Thanks for letting me vent.