Finally, I have the courage to open up.
For years I have suffered from anxiety when I found myself alone. I retreated into my mind, into a world where I had the power to overcome anything. As I got older depression joined my anxiety, I continued by retreat erasing memories that were unpleasant. I felt I was not loved or wanted that I was an inconvenience, that I did not make the grade. Faced with the prospect of loosing myself and everyone I loved I was forced to face the truth of the past that threatened my future.
I was first abused when I was about 8 years old by my uncle. He tried to penetrate me, when I screamed he burned my back with his cigarette. My uncle told my parents it was my fault that I got burned and for that I received a beating. From that moment forward I received beatings regularly for the slightest infraction. I remember wanting to die so the beatings would stop. I remember hearing my younger brother screaming as he received his beatings and hoping he would die a quick death so he would not have to endure anymore. I was told not to cry but to take my beatings like a man, when I did not stop crying I was get beaten more severely. I was told I would not amount to anything, that I was useless.
When I was about 10 years old my cousin and a family friend molested me in the basement of my auntís home. The friend told me he liked me and liked the way the bulge in my pants looked. I had no idea what he was talking about. They would caress my genitals and my bottom through my pants, but did not rape me. I was so confused because he made me feel wanted but somehow I knew something was not right. I tried to tell my parents what happened. I received a beating for having disappeared for an extended period of time.
I was always sickly and thin growing-up. I was in and out of hospitals and always anemic. I was a late bloomer and always looked young for my age. When I was about 12 years old, after a severe beating one year, I had to undergo an operation to remove a damaged testicle. This was a severe blow to my self-esteem because I did not know what was happening. No one shared anything with me. After the operation, in my ignorance, I asked the doctor when I would be getting my testicle back. He told me I would not have two testicles. On our way home from the hospital I cried. When my father asked what was the matter, I told him I was not normal. He told me I was as normal as I would ever be. I think he didnít beat me because I was still weak and post-op. I was self-conscious about my genitalia and felt less than male. I would continue feeling that way until I had a prosthetic testicle implanted as an adult many years later.
When I was about 14 years old some schoolboys cornered me in the bathroom while I was urinating and insisted on seeing my penis. One of them pushed me away from the urinal to take a look. They told me I was small and that they were going to f*** me. One of them told me to bend over but I refused. I told them they wouldnít do that to a boy. One of them said they would do it in a flash. They threatened to get me one day. I was able to stay clear of them for the rest of that year but was confused by their threat. I didnít understand why they would do or say what they did.
When I was 18 years old I curious about girls and sex I visited an adult bookstore outside of town. The attendant didnít seem to care that I looked underage. I discovered they had booths that I could watch porn in for 25 cents. I sat down, put in a quarter, and began to watch the video. About 60 seconds into the video someone knocked on the door. A friendly looking man smiled and asked to what I was doing there. I was stunned and could not answer. He pushed me in and closed the door behind him. He told me I did not belong there and I could get in trouble. He pulled me close to him and kissed me on the lips. I was shocked! Everything happened so fast from that moment on. He pulled open my belt and pulled down my pants. I tried to resist but he was so much stronger than I was. I did not dare scream I was so scared. He fondled me for a few minutes and told me I was cute. He then turned me around and penetrated me. It hurt so bad. I struggled as he pumped in and out of me until I was able to pull away enough where he came out of me. He quickly pulled-up has pants and left. I was so scared. I quickly fumbled trying to get my pants back on. I discovered that I was leaking from my rectum. He had come inside me, that is why he left suddenly. How could he do that? He seemed so friendly. I felt so violated and helpless. At the same time I was scared because I did not belong there. I never went back. I blamed myself since then for everything I have gone through.
Since then I have tried so hard to make believe nothing happened. I have struggled with identity issues and have struggled through relationships because of my experiences. I have felt useless, worthless, less than a man, anxious, and depressed. After beginning another bought with depression and suicidal ideation, that comes every winter, I discovered that recovery was possible after reading a book I found in the library. Then I discovered the male survivor site. This site has helped me so much and I now have the courage to tell my story for the first time. So, a new journey begins.
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.