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#267431 - 12/16/08 03:10 PM I'm new and this is my story.
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
Finally, I have the courage to open up.

For years I have suffered from anxiety when I found myself alone. I retreated into my mind, into a world where I had the power to overcome anything. As I got older depression joined my anxiety, I continued by retreat erasing memories that were unpleasant. I felt I was not loved or wanted that I was an inconvenience, that I did not make the grade. Faced with the prospect of loosing myself and everyone I loved I was forced to face the truth of the past that threatened my future.

I was first abused when I was about 8 years old by my uncle. He tried to penetrate me; when I screamed he burned my back with his cigarette. My uncle told my parents it was my fault that I got burned and for that I received a beating. From that moment forward I received beatings regularly for the slightest infraction. I remember wanting to die so the beatings would stop. I remember hearing my younger brother screaming as he received his beating and hoping he would die a quick death so he would not have to endure anymore. I was told not to cry but to take my beatings like a man, when I did not stop crying I was get beaten more severely. I was told I would not amount to anything, that I was useless.

When I was about 10 years old my cousin and a family friend molested me in the basement of my aunts home. He told me he liked me and liked the way the bulge in my pants looked. They would caress my genitals and my bottom through my pants, but did not rape me. I was so confused because he made me feel wanted but somehow I knew something was not right. I would receive additional beatings for having disappeared for an extended period of time.

I was always sickly and thin growing-up. I was in and out of hospitals and always anemic. I was a late bloomer and always looked young for my age. When I was about 12 years old, after a severe beating one year, I had to undergo an operation to remove a damaged testicle. This was a severe blow to my self-esteem because I did not know what was happening. No one shared anything with me. After the operation, in my ignorance, I asked the doctor when I would be getting my testicle back. He told me I would not have two testicles. On our way home form the hospital I cried. When my father asked what was the matter I told him I was not normal. He told me I was as normal as I would ever be. I think he did not beat me because I was still weak and post-op. I was self-conscious about my genitalia and felt less than male. I would continue feeling that way until I had a prosthetic testicle implanted as an adult many years later.

When I was about 14 years old some schoolboys cornered me in the bathroom while I was urinating and insisted on seeing my penis. They told me I was small and that they were going to f*** me and they told me to bend over but I refused. They threatened to get me one day. I was able to stay clear of them for the rest of that year but was confused by their threat. I didnt understand why they would do or say what they did.

When I was 18 years old I curious about girls and sex I visited an adult bookstore outside of town. The attendant didnt seem to care that I looked underage. I discovered they had booths that I could watch porn in for 25 cents. I sat down, put in a quarter, and began to watch the video. About 60 seconds into the video someone knocked on the door. A friendly looking man smiled and asked to what I was doing there. I was stunned and could not answer. He pushed me in and closed the door behind him. He told me I did not belong there and I could get in trouble. He pulled me close to him and kissed me on the lips. I was shocked. Every thing happened so fast from that moment on. He pulled open my belt and pulled down my pants. I tried to resist but he was so much stronger than I was. I did not dear scream, I was so scared. He fondled me for a few minutes and told me I was cute. He then turned me around and penetrated me. It hurt so bad. I struggled as he pumped in and out of me until I was able to pull away enough where he came out of me. He quickly pulled-up has pants and left. I was so scared. I quickly fumbled trying to get my pants back on. I discovered that I was leaking from my rectum. He had come inside me, that is why he left suddenly. I felt so violated and helpless. At the same time I was scared because I did not belong there. I never went back. I blamed myself since then for everything I have gone through.

Since then I have tried so hard to make believe nothing happened. I have struggled with identity issues and have struggled through relationships because of experiences. I have felt useless, worthless, less than a man, anxious, and depressed. After beginning another bought with depression and suicidal ideation that comes every winter, I discovered that recovery was possible after reading a book I found in the library. Then I discovered the male survivor site. This site has helped me so much and I now have the courage to tell my story for the first time.

_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

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#267435 - 12/16/08 03:24 PM Re: I'm new and this is my story. [Re: Juni]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Welcome Brother.

I applaud your courage... keep up the good work.

Love, Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#267437 - 12/16/08 03:39 PM Re: I'm new and this is my story. [Re: Juni]
MichaeldR Offline


Registered: 12/02/08
Posts: 36
Loc: South Carolina
Thanks, Juni, for relating your story to us.

Regards,

_________________________
Mike

My mantras:

Easy Does I - - - - - - L o il y a la vie il y a l'espoir.
One Day At A Time - - - L o il y a l'espoir: la vie.
First Things First- - - Where there's life there's hope.
LIVE and Let Live - - - Where there is hope: life.

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#267438 - 12/16/08 03:47 PM Re: I'm new and this is my story. [Re: Juni]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
wow juni. what a story. how do people get it in their minds to do the things they do. how do they get their bodies to co-operate? it's beyond me. sometimes i think i a had sign on me stating: 'get a boner....stick in in me; wipe if off and walk away like nothing ever happened'. 'come back any time....whenever you feel need, just help yourself'.

in those two little statements there is a universe of impact. a library full of books about the subject all encapsulated in the soul of a man sentenced to live out the haunting ramifications of a 7 minute encounter with lust and power.

welcome to the chain gang. sucks to be here, but it's better than the alternative: to deal with the effects on your own. lots of good caring compassionate folks here. i hope and pray you meet your share during your time here.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#267442 - 12/16/08 04:34 PM Re: I'm new and this is my story. [Re: Sans Logos]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
juni,

You are a very courageous person for telling your Story. Looking back for me to when I finally put my Story into words, that was a huge relief for me. Just getting it out, just giving myself the ability to talk about it was a start on my road to recovery.

We are all here for you juni. All our Stories are different, but we all have the same abuse to deal with in our very own way.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#267454 - 12/16/08 05:35 PM Re: I'm new and this is my story. [Re: KENKEN]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Welcome Juni-
I'm sad that you have to be here, but happy you found us... remember, you aren't alone- this is a place where you won't be judged or punished for being yourself; telling your story and asking for help can be so very hard, yet so very important- and i admire your strength and courage in coming here, and letting yourself be known.
It wasn't your fault!

dgoods

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#267462 - 12/16/08 07:34 PM Re: I'm new and this is my story. [Re: dgoods]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
Juni, I can never give you words to ease the pain you have endured. All I can do is give you words of hope.

Your courage and strength to survive these ordeals speaks volumes about who you really are.

The fault was never yours. If you don't know that yet, you will.

I promise you it will one day be less than it is today, as long as you work at it and continually remind yourself that the tapes that play in your head were not made by you. They can be written over. And you have taken courageous steps to do just that.

In my opinion, what was done to you (and the rest of us) transcends simple abuse. It is evil incarnate. There is no excuse, no rationalization and no understanding of the perps. You are superior to the monsters that did this to you because your innocence, believe it or not, has survived. You did not respond to evil with evil.

You have said you know there is hope for recovery. There is more than that. It is not just a hope. You are living proof it is HAPPENING!

I, for one, am honored to walk this path with you.

Paul

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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#267475 - 12/16/08 08:56 PM Re: I'm new and this is my story. [Re: Tinman]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
I am sory that you have to be here . But most of us have been where you are. We are here to help each other.I do feel your pain.

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#267483 - 12/16/08 09:46 PM Re: I'm new and this is my story. [Re: OKIE MIKE]
Dusty Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia
Juni,

I'm glad youfound the MS site and good on you for telling your story. You are on the road and the guys here will be there for you. Just post what ever, you will not be judged and many of us have experiences that are parralel to yours.
None of what happened to you was in any way your fault and you were not weak, even when you were overpowered, your father, cousins, the group of boys and the other guy all were bullies and they took advantage of you, like big cats that prey only on the ones that they can over power by stealth, intimidation and in some cases by being in a group.

Dusty


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#267492 - 12/16/08 11:16 PM Re: I'm new and this is my story. [Re: Dusty Boy]
BroKen5 Offline


Registered: 11/25/08
Posts: 17
Loc: TN
Juni,

I'm so proud of you. You found your voice.

Winter is a tough time for many people, SAD is real. That combined with internalizing feelings as a coping skill can be rough on a person.

This is a safe place for you to share your struggles, we are all working through the events of our past and understand the difficulties of the journey. Telling your story is a great way to start the process of releasing the feeling that have been bottled up for so long.

Im so proud of you.

Your brother
Ken

_________________________
Living in the present, shaped by the past, making a difference in tomorrows.

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