In response to Juni's comment about having a heart to heart talk with his wife....

I have been contemplating having this discussion, for weeks now, even before reading your post above. I want to tell her that I am bi. I want her to know about me. But Im afraid of the consequences that I think will occur.

I am amazed at your post above Juni, and how you described that you have needs, as opposed to being gay bi or st8.

Im really having a hard time accepting myself. I am wondering how others have approached this situation. I want to share with her my feelings, and I have worked very very hard to get to this point. I don't want to lose her.

Brother,

I would be very careful of what you choose to reveal to your wife. You may not get the results you are looking for. You could very easily lose everything that is important to you. Some people do not react well to finding out that you have cheated on them.
What are your motives for revealing this to her? To relieve your sense of guilt and shame. Be very careful you are not trying to dump all this just find some relief for yourself.

There are other ways to deal with these feelings then to dump it on those we love.

Mike

brother,

What possible positive outcome do you foresee in disclosure to your wife. Will she maybe breathe a sigh of relief at finally knowing all of the truth, do you think? Or perhaps she'll wrap her arms around you and reassure you that everything is alright and that she loves just as much now that she knows that you've cheated on her - and with men on top of that?

No, my friend, think this trough! Women tend to react very negatively when they find out that the man they trusted has been bed-hoping with other men. Another woman is already bad enough, but at least where another woman is concerned, in your wife's mind, she's on a level playing field. How is she supposed to compete with the fact that you need to be with men - you leave her completely disarmed and resoursselss.

A lot of women are very supportive when a husband discloses his CSA and explains the ravages of such in his life. Many are not - there are men here who can attest to that.

Brother,
I sure do feel for you. It is a very very hard choice for you to make. I did have to confront my GF about my sexuality also. Not the same as what you are having to work out in your mind, but in somewhat the same.

I did talk extensively to my Therpist b/4 I did confront. In the end after all the anxiety, it was just what I had to do for myself, for what was right for me. It helped me BE TRUE TO MYSELF.

And now after my GF did chose to leave me and all the pain and hurt that occured, it was the best thing/decision I made.

Please do not make any rash judgements. Think about it alot, talk about it with friends and professionals. Then do what your heart tells you to do.

Ken

I appreciate all the responses. Thank you.

I am wanting to say more about how I feel, but I am too upset and scared.

I am very grateful for all the replies here. It means a lot to me.

Im facing some of the same issues. I'm just starting in my treatment and therapy, and in the beginning of realizing why I feel the way I feel and why I do some of the things I do.
My wife is right beside me and very supportine and she has promised that if I have needs that she can meet with Toys or whatever then she is more than willing, anything beyond that, she says she will deal with it as it comes.
My Abusers were male, and for a long time I struggled with whether I was gay or not. Growing u in a small rural town, I didnt even know what Bi was.
Im just thankful for my wife because she has been my leaning post and without her, I would never have been able to face up to all this and begin dealing with what I have hidden for the past 30+ years.
I havent acted out with another man but my list of female partners Is almost embarrasingly long. Im not sure If I could ever feel towards a man like I do with a woman but I do find myslef being aroused by other me on tv, the net or in magazines. Not sure how I feel about this yet since I struggled so hard with the issue of being Gay in my late teens and early 20's.
Im thinking this might very well apply to me.

WOW don't know how I missed that boat, I never got married so I have to go through this crap alone. It does suck!

Si Dude;

you have us... you never have to be alone anymore. Besides, I have been alone in crowded rooms!!! Since connecting with other survivors I no longer have to be alone.

AS far as being married makes healing easier in some respects do know that it also complicates it as well... we could start a thread for a never ending debate on whether it is easier to recover/heal as a single or as part of a couple. We are where we are as we recover and `in my humble opinion` it is God's will that we be there... heck I have to accept it and work with what I have. Some days I remember to pray for the willingness to want what I have :-)

Love from the frozen north,

Wes

I Like to think of myslef a strong stand alone type of guy but since I came to terms with what happened to me, I would be lost without my wife. I could do this alone but it's a lot easier having someone to share all this with and help keep you on track.
I use to figure if I can have an ex hand me our 6 month old son and say she's not going to be married to a Marine and isnt going to be a mom, See Ya, and leave me to raise him by myself, I can do pretty much anything that comes at me but not true. For me at least.