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#267024 - 12/13/08 06:31 PM Re: First post and my story...trigger warning. [Re: Marinan]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
hahaha no doubt. I finish early on tuesday.

Do any of you on here notice that your questioning gets worse if you're stressed? That seems to be my case, and then that just kinda sits there and burns a hole in me for a while. Again, I know there isn't any definite answer to a persons sexuality, but it's like I feel like I HAVE to spend time trying to affirm that I'm strait. I have gay friends and I have nothing against gay people. Two of my bosses where I work are gay. I don't see it as anything that's wrong or different. Yet if I start thinking that I'm gay personally, I freak out and I don't know why. It's like something inside me goes "Wait what?! No!" and then I have to keep struggling over it and fighting all these questions in my head.


Every time I come to the eventual conclusion that I'm not gay, but something small always triggers an anxiety spike and then I start ruminating and stay focused on it. I've even tried several times when I'm not nervous to say "Ok self. You're gay. Really, no joking this time." But no matter how long I sit there and try to make myself believe that I end up going back saying "Well you tried to sit there and accept that possibility, and you still couldn't do it." To me that means I either must really not be gay, but then my conscience says "well maybe you're just in denial" and I keep flip flopping.


Both of my therapists have told me that they have no doubts that I'm straight and I've disclosed absolutely everything to them. But if that's the case, why am I still so distant towards girls? Why do I get intimidated by talking to them? If I see good looking ones walking around, it registers that I am looking at an attractive female. But I don't feel like I have to spend every hour of my time trying to get them to sleep with me, and it seems like so many of my friends and classmates are exactly like that, which doesn't help my questioning at all. Am I afraid of intimacy? Am I afraid of commitment? Am I afraid that I'm lying to myself about my sexuality? I don't know. My brain loves to just mess around with me and it makes it so that I can't stop thinking about all of this. I don't know what to think, and that's making me depressed, and when I tried medication it made everything worse. I take Xanax every so often because the questioning gets so bad I have panic attacks sometimes. Anybody have any idea what's going on with me?


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#267038 - 12/13/08 09:01 PM Re: First post and my story...trigger warning. [Re: AndyS87]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1962
Hey Andy,

Based on what you have been saying, I would agree with your therapists and my guess is that you fall on the straighter side of things (I only phrase it this way because I am thinking back to that idea of a continuum). As far as having a fear of intimacy, well you are not alone there, and that doesn't make you gay. It is something you can work on, feeling safe and comfortable being close like that to others. And as far as not trying to nail every last girl, well even if others are doing that it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you if you are not; I would say the MTV et al pop-cultural notion of what a young person's reality should be is pretty dang skewed. But don't get me wrong, I started getting pretty weird and acting strangely increasingly after I opened the memory flood gates at nineteen, and I drove people away from me. I became very scared of intimacy (in fact most of my sexual experiences lacked intimacy, but I wasn't aware at the time), and sometimes I regret I didn't have sex with all sorts of girls after that; so I understand. Then sometimes I regret I didn't meet some girl I could fall in love with and with whom I could marry and start a family, or just be with in a loving way. And then other times... well you get the picture. The mind is great at ruminating over all sorts of crap and never giving you a moments rest. I had all those sexuality fears to the Nth degree at your age, and all I can say is take it easy on yourself because it turns out to be less of a big deal than it feels right now. I am still working on intimacy issues, but I also didn't start working on these things until a later age than you are now. It will get better, and easier to think about. Don't beat yourself up over it all. And keep asking any questions you have or sharing whatever you like.

Eric


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#267049 - 12/13/08 09:57 PM Re: First post and my story...trigger warning. [Re: ericc]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Again, thank you all for the support. All of you are making me feel a lot better here than I've been in the past months. I just can't believe something like this is so common. I feel for each and every person here when I read your stories. You are all making a difference for me at the moment, and so I'm doing my best to keep the rest of you in my thoughts. Thank all of you.


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