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#266757 - 12/12/08 04:06 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: dusty42]
Roofus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 233
Loc: Utah
Good luck Pete,

I have a feeling you have made the right decision. My heart goes out to you.

allen


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#266762 - 12/12/08 04:21 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: dusty42]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Pete my Brother;

I am soo thankful for MorningStar's reply... I have been grappling with how to say my piece on this one. I pray that you plug along with her; it is my belief that we choose our partners, below the conscious level, due to their complimentary natures. Lord knows my wife fills my voids as I do her's. I pray that you and your bride find those mutual benefits and carry on and grow through the rest of your days.

Lord knows my wife was in shock when I initially revealed what I know of my incest experience... and promptly hid from it for another 8 years.. until I dumped on her the details of my medicating to survive(exist) with it, and I knew barely half of my abuse history then, specifically my addictive acting out with work, food and sex. She was deeply hurt and protected herself and our children as best she could. We were separated for about 9 months and we started counseling a month before she invited me home. We grow a little each day and like all beneficial growth it is a 2 steps forward and 1 step back process. My marriage is certainly not perfect and I hope I never think it is... I pray that it continues to be real and a work in progress... as I hear in 12-step rooms "Progress not perfection".

With my love and prayers for you and your wife.

Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#266854 - 12/12/08 11:36 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: petercorbett]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I think eventually we have to make peace with the fact that many in our lives will not understand us, but I also think it's understandable that we would feel a lot of anger about that.

I can totally understand how you would feel like wanting some time away after having that experience with her. I think I would probably feel the same way if it were me.


_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#266858 - 12/13/08 12:07 AM Re: leaving wife. [Re: petercorbett]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Hi Pete-
just wanted to say, while i certainly have no answers concerning what's going on between you and your wife, i can certainly say you've shown yourself here as nothing but supportive; generational/age difference in a sense makes no difference to me- when my grandfather had had a diabetic amputation (and my grandmother had already spent well over 48 hours staying by his side, and needed some sleep), and all of the other relatives present had some excuse or reason why they couldn't do bedside duty- i was the one who rolled him over and powdered him when he needed it, reassured him when the stitches, morphine and pain had him asking random and out-of-character questions, etc. I only describe this to illustrate one way i very thoroughly learned- we are, all of of us, only human after all. My grandfather normally was not exactly what one would consider an "open person"... Rather the opposite, in fact.
As you so often have said, "Heal well, my brother"...

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#266860 - 12/13/08 12:35 AM Re: leaving wife. [Re: dusty42]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Little and Big Pete Moose

It sounds as though you both would like to make it work if you could.

A lot of us have gone through this kind of thing. When the memories surface, it totally changes our concept of who we are. It is hard to assimilate this and to achieve a sense of wholeness again. But it is even harder for the wife to understand. But it is possible.

I am going to try to list some of the things that helped me and my wife in your situation. We had had some heated arguments which were destructive to our relationship.

1. We did have a separation of about a year. We both found during that time that we wanted to come back together.

2. When we did come back together, we read several books on abuse. Together. We read a chapter a day. Often she was the one who read to me. We particularly read books by Torey Hayden. Torey Hayden is gifted at understanding abused children and writing winsomely about them. She has written a bunch of books. This allowed her to grow into an understanding of what abuse means and how to relate to abuse in a spouse. We were of course free to discuss issues.

http://www.amazon.com/One-Child-Torey-L-...6078&sr=1-2

Other books are of course options. Here you just use your judgement as to what you think might work.

3. We didn't become intimate for a few months until we both reached a higher level of understanding of abuse issues and how they affected our lives. We had to re-establish trust.

4. We started going to fun places together again.

I hope this helps.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#266875 - 12/13/08 04:33 AM Re: leaving wife. [Re: pufferfish]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Greetings, to my friends/brothers whom have responded to this post. My brothers/friends sure show their compassion, understanding and love to this old boy, and from the depths of my soul I thank evrey one of you. Now I am a sorry SOB in thinking that when I AM in an emotional turmoil that I expect my wife to respond to me in a positive way. When (and the light just came on in my brain) if anyone who has read my various posts about me, can see where I always mention that I have/had no emotional skills, no social skills. So for 35 years of not showing the proper emotions to my wife, as I did not posess the skills, and just telling her in so many words to(deal with it). Now I am the one sort of demanding understanding, compassion and love, well maybe it's payback time to me. Yep, just deal with it, my dear....ooops, hey I never called her my dear, nor show her any compassion, understanding and love......ooops, hey I hardly ever told her that I love her either. So now that Lil' Peter has showed up he has reminded me that "our" "mother", perpertrators had done their job well, in killing this little boy, we became what we were. So my brothers/friends, I can see a bit clearer right now. So as my therapist told the both of us last week, Peter has a lot to learn about emotions, compassion, understanding and how to love her, but she has to have patience, as it will not happen tomorrow, next week or maybe even next year, but it is a work in progress. He (me) has always had compassion, understanding for my military buddies, for those other boys in that orphanage/Home, but for some reason I NEVER had any understanding for girls/females, let alone compassion and Love. A bit windy. So my very dear brothers/friends, again from the depths of my soul, I thank you and love you all. Heal wellmy BROTHERS/FRIENDS.
Lil' Pete & Big Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#266993 - 12/13/08 02:57 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: dusty42]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Pete-I went through this twice. I hope you can get though all this the best way possible. I hope some good things are also happening for you too or soon will to help you get through.

Thinking of you Pete

Michael

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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