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#266868 - 12/13/08 01:38 AM First post and my story...trigger warning.
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Hello all, I'm new to this place and this is the first post I'm making here. I've decided to post it in this particular forum because of something that's been on my mind for the past year or so.

First off, I'm a 21 year old who was sexually abused by an older cousin of mine when I was in elementary school, approximately between first and fourth grade. He was (is) 4 years older than me. Before our relationship had anything to do with anything sexual, we were close friends. I have a twin sister and had a few other friends at the time, but I looked up to my cousin as an almost older brother like figure of sorts.

Anyways, I don't remember exactly when, but at first anything sexual that went on between us was relatively innocent, just two kids exposing themselves to each other, that was about it. Every year after that though, things got progressively more sexual. By the time I had gotten into second grade, my cousin had made it up so that froteurism was like our "secret handshake". He would also frequently follow me into the bathroom whenever I had to use it, which made me feel like I was having my privacy invaded and I thought it was embarrassing. After a time though, this became an almost normal or expected occurrence, and I stopped thinking there was anything wrong with it.

By the time I had entered third grade, things had started to get to the point where I knew something was wrong. Whenever my cousin stayed over during a holiday, he would pester me to allow him to perform oral sex on me, or would ask me to perform oral sex on him. Although I would frequently refuse, he would continually wear me down until I finally agreed to it. I can't remember whether or not I actually performed on him, but I know he did it to me. I didn't derive any feeling of pleasure or gratification from it, I just remember thinking that it wasn't quite right, but I didn't want to tell anybody because I was afraid I would get in trouble and I was also afraid of getting my cousin in trouble, and therefore losing my "friend".

The final year of abuse was when I had just entered fourth grade. In addition to all the other behaviors I had mentioned, my cousin would masturbate in front of me to show me how he could ejaculate, and told me it was how you knew you were turning into a man. I believe ever since then I have associated masturbation with trying to re-assert my masculinity while also trying to measure myself up to be like him in some weird way, as if that would make me more of a man or more in control of my life. He also would make me frequently read anatomy books with diagrams of the male reproductive system in them. Then that year at Christmas he asked me, my sister, and his sister if any of us wanted to have sex with him. His sister and my sister both said no, but I thought that since men could only have sex with women it would just be more of the same old thing with him. I knew I shouldn't be doing it, but for some reason I went on anyway. He attempted to sodomize me, but I told him that I wasn't comfortable and I didn't want to do it. Then he asked me if I would do it on him, and I said I would try. Nothing happened though, so I just figured I would give up, leave it be, and not talk about it after the fact.

It wasn't until weeks later when we learned about AIDS in health class that I became concerned and told my parents what happened. After that, they made sure to watch me at all times whenever I was with my cousin, and I told him that I had told my parents. He was obviously upset and couldn't believe I had done that. Ever since then our relationship has been strange, and we don't see each other often. When we do, we don't speak to each other much. That's ok in my book though.

Anyways, shortly after the abuse stopped I began to think it was normal for some reason for my friends to expose themselves to me, etc. My best friends simply said no, and that was the end of that issue. At that time I also started trying to masturbate. I believe this was due to an over-sexualization at my age rather than properly developing sexually the way a well adjusted person would. That was also the first time I was ever able to obtain an erection, although I didn't do anything with it. Then that summer at camp I was in a situation where I was in a cabin with several other boys my own age. One of them suggested that we all drop trou and compare sizes. Much to my horror, I found that I had an erection in response to this. I was embarrassed by it and didn't know what to think. None of the other kids in the cabin knew what was going on and just thought that I was huge, but I felt guilty and embarrassed. I don't know how to rationalize that event. Up until the very end of the abuse I had always considered myself straight, in so far as a 9 year old can determine what their sexual identity is. I had wanted girlfriends in the past though, and I remember thinking to myself that I had to make sure I played sports and exercised so I would look good enough to be able to have girlfriends whenever I wanted.

Anyways, about two years later I figured out how to masturbate and engaged in it frequently, far more than most 11 year olds I would wager. In the beginning, the fantasy was always the same. I imagined or did the best I could to emulate my cousin as exactly as I could while I was in the act. As I grew older, my fantasies were focused around girls I knew from school with guys I knew from school, guys I knew at school with other guys I knew from school, and occasionally heterosexual porn when I could find it.

Some people have told me they believe some of my homosexual fantasies likely stemmed from confusion over my trauma mixed with a desire to fit in amongst my peers at school. I was a social outcast and as a result was always called "fag" or belittled in one way or another to make me feel emasculated or worthless. Of course, I believe that if anybody ever found out about what happened with my cousin, they would really think I was gay and that maybe if that had happened and they were calling me gay then it must have been true. Yet I still remember wishing when I was in middle school that I was popular enough for girls to like me so I could date and have a girlfriend.

Eventually as I got into highschool my fantasies were still all over the place with one common theme. I was almost never involved in my own fantasies, just passively watching. On occasion I would fantasize about having sex with a girl I knew or a friend of mine, but for the most part I was never involved in my own fantasies. Outside my fantasy life though I still considered myself strait, and began spending a large amount of time watching pornography. Although I stumbled upon gay porn a couple of times, about twice between when I was 14 and 16, I never knew quite what to think about it. I was turned on by it, but I was also turned on by strait porn. But whenever I got off to gay porn, I just felt guilty or dirty, like I had done something I shouldn't have. Apparently this guilty shock when coupled with an orgasm makes the orgasm more extreme, enforcing an attraction to something that a person feels is wrong. I wonder if since I viewed homosexuality as wrong for me because of my abuse I was somehow strangely turned on by gay porn. By the time I was graduating, I had begun to view solo male pornography on a semi regular basis.

That stopped after I got to college and started dating a girl who I was with for about six months. We lost our virginities to each other, and I remember that the sex wasn't really spectacular, but I did enjoy the foreplay and the sex was enough to keep me interested. Although I didn't find her to be particularly attractive, I would get very aroused if I thought we were about to get sexual with each other. When I was with her, I felt absolutely 100% secure in my sexuality as strait male. Anyways we both knew that the relationship was really nothing more than a sexual relationship though, and we eventually broke up.

After that I began watching guy on guy gay porn on a semi regular basis, especially if I was high. Again, I still watched hetero porn and actually noticed that in my fantasies I was getting more into girls and less into guys. Whenever I walked around on campus it was the girls I noticed, far more often then the guys. Yet I couldn't ever bring myself to approach any girls for dating.

I think I was intimidated since my relationship with my twin sister had been absolutely horrible, with her trying to convince me on several occasions during high school to kill myself, most of which my mother managed to stop. I have never been suicidal, but there were times in high school when I would literally beat myself with a belt buckle if I felt like I had hurt anybody emotionally or physically.

Anyways, it's been close to three years since the last time I had sex. I have stopped watching gay porn, since every time I view it I feel like I'm doing harm to something inside of me. For the few years I did experiment with it, my reactions ran the gammut from being into it sexually to being grossed out by it to being just plain bored with it. Now I just feel anxious when I see it and get afraid. Sometimes it still arouses me, sometimes not. Now instead of watching it because I felt like it, I watch it to check to see if I really like it or not. I believe I've actually been watching it for those reasons ever since I was first exposed to it.


To try and summarize, I feel some confusion over my sexual identity. I feel as though I'm probably straight, but there are definite homosexual aspects of my personal life that may or may not be related to the abuse I suffered, chiefly the viewing of gay pornography and the occasional gay fantasy. I don't recall ever having a crush on another male. Then again, any crushes I can remember having on girls seemed to be fairly small, as though I would have liked to have dated them, but something told me "it can't happen, you'll never do it, so don't bother." And as a result, i never tried. To this day, I still question this. I'm currently undergoing EMDR to try and process all of this, but I feel like I'm chasing an unanswerable question around. Am I straight, am I gay, or am I somewhere in transition between the two? All I want is to move on with this so I can settle down, start my career, meet a girl (I think?), get married, have a family, and live my life. I'm just mentally exhausted from having to flip this back and forth in my life every day.


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#266871 - 12/13/08 01:54 AM Re: First post and my story...trigger warning. [Re: AndyS87]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hello Andy, welcome aboard my friend. Let me tell you that you have a lot of company with sexual abuse as boys. But you are in the right place, with the right people, at the right time. You have opened your very soul on your post. As you will find on this web site and on some of these posts we all feel safe in opening our very souls to each other, you will find compassion, understanding and love, from REAL friends/brothers. Andy I will like you, I want to be your friend/brother in recovery. I will like YOU for just being YOU. Again welcome. Heal well my friend/brother.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#266872 - 12/13/08 02:06 AM Re: First post and my story...trigger warning. [Re: AndyS87]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1959
Hello Andy,

Welcome to the site. I have learned that the confusion over sexual identity is pretty common. Don't think too hard about it. Someone said here once that "labels are for cans". That one has stuck for me. As you deal with the issues of the past, it might be easier to look at all of this with a more clear head. What you describe with what happened with your cousin could surely cause anyone issues in regards to sexuality. Don't beat yourself up over this, and I do think it will get easier to look at and understand as you take a closer look at things. I struggled with this issue, and I consider myself straight, but I still have fears and confusion about things. I guess what I am trying to say is that your confusion in not out of the ordinary. Many here have expressed how sexuality is actually not a this or that thing, but runs more in a continuum, even for those not abused. That doesn't mean if you identify as straight that you should go out and have sex with men (unless that is what you want), but that even so you can have parts of your being that might be considered gay (in some fashion); and vice versa. It is probably a more common thing in the general public than people admit; basically it would be ones feminine side if you will (or something like that; what I am trying to stress is that we don't have to all strive for the socially defined meaning of manhood all the time), and it doesn't need to be a sexual thing even. Anyway, take it easy on yourself and you'll be fine.

Eric


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#266894 - 12/13/08 08:04 AM Re: First post and my story...trigger warning. [Re: ericc]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I went through similar things. I know how hard it can be. I am glad you found this place for support. I hope things impove.

Take care of yourself. I am glad you told your parents when you did so the abuse could end.

MJ

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#266923 - 12/13/08 10:43 AM Re: First post and my story...trigger warning. [Re: michael Joseph]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Thanks guys, I really appreciate the support. I dunno, it's just hard sometimes cause a lot of people I know are always asking me "well how come you don't have a girlfriend" or "why aren't you sleeping with that girl" and it's like they think that just cause I'm in college I should be nailing everything with boobs that walks past me. And I don't know what to tell em, besides that I more or less avoid putting myself in sexual situations, and the odd occasion that I do get in them I get so nervous I won't be able to perform that I have a really tough time. But yeah, sometimes I just feel like I'll never be able to be like the rest of my friends, and that kills me because all I want after all this time is to just be able to live the life I want to live, but it's like my mind won't let me.

The last girl I hooked up with we didn't even have sex because she didn't want to, but at one point we were just lying there and it was like I felt secure again, like there was this hole in me that was being filled. Unfortunately nothing else ever came from that night, and then I started wondering what it was that she didn't want to be with me and all that other crap instead of just moving on.


As far as my personality goes, I was always kind of the "tough guy" so to speak when I was a little kid. I used to love to fight or rough house, and I used to do to work with my Dad and he would let me use the hammer or the nail gun or a power drill when he was building stuff if I wanted to, and I loved that stuff. After all this happened though, I just felt like I had become an outcast, and that feeling stuck around for a long time until I was in 8th grade when I finally felt accepted again. In highschool I felt that way for a while too, but by my sophomore and junior year I was back to the same old thing, just slippin by under the radar, very few friends, no girls in my life besides my sister who hated me at the time, kind of just lonely and wishing I could have been one of the "cool" kids. Then shortly after that I started smoking pot with my friends and that's pretty much all we ever did, just get high. After that, I started hanging out more with the "cool" kids, so I guess for a while I felt like I was more accepted, which was cool, gave my self esteem a kick.

Anyways, now people see me as generally a tough guy again I guess. Not over the top, I'm still a goofball in general, but the people that would have given me a hard time all those years ago don't bother anymore. I feel like my problem now is people must think I'm so tough as nails that I hate life and never want to talk to anybody, because people always seem to get really really quiet around me if they don't know me, like they think I'm going to go apeshit on them if they say something in front of me I don't like. I dunno, it's weird for me, what can I do. I just wish I had a magic 8 ball that really could answer all of life's burning questions so I wouldn't have to sit here and process the crap out of everything myself.



Edited by AndyS87 (12/13/08 11:24 AM)

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#266949 - 12/13/08 12:21 PM Re: First post and my story...trigger warning. [Re: AndyS87]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States

Hi Andy, welcome aboard. I share many of the EXACT SAME circumstances and feelings and experiences that you just described.

"I just remember thinking that it wasn't quite right, but I didn't want to tell anybody because I was afraid I would get in trouble and I was also afraid of getting my cousin in trouble, and therefore losing my "friend"."

WOW! Yes, I know EXACTLY what you meant by that! What do I mean? I knew that it was wrong too Andy. Even at 9 years old, I knew it was wrong. I also knew that if I "told" like I felt that I was "supposed to do", that the police would get involved, that this guy that I, even still, wanted to be around and maintain my "friendship" with, would go to jail, and I would have to "tell" and describe what I let him talk me into. So I didn't tell, (actually, I tried disclosing with an older brother and his friend, which resulted in being laughed at and ridiculed)

But, yeah, I just wanted to point out to you that this is classic grooming behavior, get the kid to like you, then even if the kid finally realizes that what he's doing is very wrong and pretty much hates it, he still won't tell, because he doesn't want to lose his "friend".

Pretty sick thinking about that isn't it? Warping a child's mind and twisting his natural tendencies to trust and to not question motives of older people.


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#266954 - 12/13/08 12:30 PM Re: First post and my story...trigger warning. [Re: Hauser]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
yeah, it's screwed up for sure. The thing is in my own mind I have to believe that something else was happening to my cousin as well. I don't know who would have perpetrated it, but it seems in my mind like somebody else must have been screwing around with him. I'm not ever going to ask him, but he's definitely got mental issues. He's bipolar at the very least, no telling what else is going on in his head. I just kinda wish I had a giant eraser so I could erase all of it from my past. It would make my life today a lot more clear.


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#266955 - 12/13/08 12:32 PM Re: First post and my story...trigger warning. [Re: AndyS87]
Marinan Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 329
I go through this sexual confusion too. I'm afraid that it doesn't make me feel very good either. Do you think that maybe some kind of hobby can be picked up to work your way through your sadness?


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#266957 - 12/13/08 12:37 PM Re: First post and my story...trigger warning. [Re: Marinan]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
I actively play guitar, both acoustic and electric, and I've been involved in various different martial arts for about seven years. I also love playing video games, but my computer doesn't really run em that well anymore. I play em too much anyways though.

I always feel great after a workout or a sparring session, and if I sit down with my guitar and I play well that feels good too. At the moment though I'm up to my ears in term papers, so I'm stuck in my dorm room tryin to bang this thing out.


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#266960 - 12/13/08 12:55 PM Re: First post and my story...trigger warning. [Re: AndyS87]
Marinan Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 329
Yeah thats sucky... Sorry. Finals are traumatic after all. wink


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