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#266550 - 12/11/08 02:46 PM leaving wife.
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my friends/brothers, This past week has been hell for me, both emotionally and physically. Now I have only been in recovery for a very short 5 months. I had told my secret to my wife of 35 years, ay first I made it short and simple, I was sexually abused by my "mother" a male friend of the family and total strangers, NO reaction, NONE she went back to watching her soap operas on TV. So I told myself maybe she needs time to grasp what I said, so I'll let her sleep on it. Next morning nothing, Oh well. So at lunch she asks me a stupid question, and I tell her that you really do not know the man that you married, so she says to me then tell me, so you really want to know? Are you sure? Yes, Ok i sit her down and read her the posting that I had made on this site (my secret my story) I went down the list in all the gory details, as had surfaced on the 1 st of August. So I wait for an answer,like oh wow, or my God, or I can't believe it. I didn't detect any understanding, compassion or a sign of love, nothing. Information overload maybe, Then she blurts out, "so you want to leave me and marry a man", I'll give her more time, well after a few days she comes and gives me a hug and kiss and tells me that she loves me, she even told me to come to her side of the bed, hey wow and then she snuggles up to me and she thought that she understood. Well as we all know we sure do go into some very deep soul searching and our mood swings real fast, naturally she is on the brunt of my anger, sometimes I really think that my "mother" is working through her, as I get the feeling that I am considered useless, worthless and our marriage really has not amounted to anything, as I had shown her NO emotions of any kind worth mentioning, 35 years of hell'. Today I took her with me to my therapy session, I told her to speak her mind about how she feels about me. Well, we sure can't go on like this, one day or maybe two or maybe a week and I'm OK. But then when Lil' Pete brings more of our secret to the surface I am gone, I'm in the depths of my soul, searching for answers, but all I can come up with is Guilt, Shame, Anger. I never received any kind of emotional or social training as a young boy/teenager. None, Zero. Well ok she says, "why didn't you tell me all this BEFORE we got married", well it was buried in the depths of my soul and mind, and after the last sexual abuse session stopped it was buried for 55 years after the fact, so you knew a week after my very best friends were told, because I TRUSTED them with my secret, I didn't ever want to tell you, as I wouldn't tell you if I was on my last breath, you would NEVER UNDERSTAND, she still doesn't. I told her that I cannot do this recovery unless I have her help and understanding, so I told her that If I don't see any positive reaction from her, I am going to make my previously trip back to Texas a ONE WAY one, but no divorce, we'll just be living apart from each other, you (her) in her country, here, and me where I really belong in mine (USA) Texas. I can see no other way for me and Li'l Pete and me to be able to move on than by us two. By the way I'm 69 and my wife is 71. Maybe she will have a better life without me, just taking care of herself, and me and Lil' Pete moving on for the rest of our lifes toward recovery. So if anyone is thinking of telling their wife/girl friend. live in. It is my PERSONAL opinion, thet there is no way that they will ever comprehend, understand just what we boys went through then, and when it ever surfaces in our life. NO WAY. Heal well my friends/brothers.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#266553 - 12/11/08 02:51 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: petercorbett]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
Am so sorry about all this Pete...I wont say all of wives or girlfreinds will act like that..but I bet many do...we are victimized by our perps and amny people in society...it sucks but its true...sometimes we are blamed for what hapened to us...but keep up your strength and commitment to your healing..its a long journey but its worth it..and for many of us here you are worth it...HUGGGSSSSSSSSSSSS


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#266554 - 12/11/08 02:57 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: petercorbett]
Stretch73 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/08
Posts: 336
Loc: Sea Isle City, NJ
Pete,

I hope I'm not out of line by asking this, but how was your marriage before you told your wife?

It just seems to me, after reading this post that things may have been rocky anyway. I would sure think that if "you're elated to venture to her side of the bed," how often had she asked you to do that? Did you forget how to get there?

What could possibly be the logic of her reaction? Had you had a fight prior to tell her this? Were you both growing apart from each other anyway?

I don't intend to be judgmental. I'm just trying to get a grip on the bigger picture. I cannot imagine two people loving each other so much for 35 years, one confessing they were abused as a child, or something deep-rooted and horrible happened to that person years ago, and the spouse or lover not giving a hoot about it. That's just unfathomable to me.

Anyway you slice this loaf of bread, there's no excuse for how she reacted; or rather, more specifically, how she didn't react.

Maybe the both of you should see a marriage her-apist. (I always call them marriage "her-apist," because they always seem to side with the women. I don't get that.)

Anyway, good luck to you, and I hope everything works out.

Rich

_________________________
"I was so poor growing up, that if I wasn't born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with." Rodney Dangerfield

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#266558 - 12/11/08 03:07 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: petercorbett]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
My dear friend Pete,

Oh man, do I ever feel for you today. And I so take your point. I've done my CSA recovery all on my own these last eight years and am so glad that I didn't have a partner (male or female) to contend with at the same time.

That being said, Pete, I ask you sincerely how is it that guys feel it is reasonable to expect of their female partners to UNDERSTAND them. They were not abused/raped boys. They grew up female with that particular dynamic and we choose them as partners exactly because they are female.

My ex-wife doesn't believe a word about my sexual abuse and rape as a boy because according to her, when we married she would have seen the signs of it. She has no idea what the signs of it would have been but she's convinced that she would have seen them. Well, she lived with the signs right under her nose for almost twelve years and had no idea what she was looking at. I don't fault her for that.

You and I have talked about this before so I know you've given a lot of thought to this. At that time I was trying to help you not make a hasty decision about throwing away a thirty five year marriage. If today you still feel that the only way to true wellness for yourself is to be on your own, then you have all of my support in whatever you decide.

It's just that I don't see how changing countries is going to help you in attaining that wellness - where ever you go, Pete, there you are!

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#266563 - 12/11/08 03:34 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: sunwolf]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Pete,

My wife used to throw that at me,'why didn't you tell me you were abused before we got married'. Shit I didn't even tell myself.
Very few people can understand what we went through except those of us experience the same thing. How can you explain to someone else what you do not understand or you don't fully remember.
Is it fair to them to have to live with a wounded person.
Hell is it fair to have to live as a wounded person who so many years later is still suffering from the abuse inflicted on him as a child..
My abuse seems to put up an invisible barrier between me and others in the world. And at times this barrier shrinks some but never entirely goes away. Will I ever be like other people who were never abused? No, I don't think so. I just learn to cope and live in a more mature and healthly manner. To love and accept myself as the flawed person that I am. Today it is ok to be just who I am. Whether others can or not is there problem.
At times the best thing you can say about marriage is that it sucks. But the same can be said of life.
Do what is best for you and your recovery my friend.And in the end I hope you can find peace with yourself and your past.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#266579 - 12/11/08 05:38 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: michael banks]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Originally Posted By: michael banks
Pete,

Do what is best for you and your recovery my friend.And in the end I hope you can find peace with yourself and your past.

Mike


Pete, What Mike says above is so very true. I struggled with my CSA for over 40 years, keeping it a secret from everyone. It only tore me up inside, and because of constant nightmares, did the sexual abuse come out. My live in GF did leave me after 6 months of coming out to her. But now as I look back it was the very best thing that could of happened to me. True, we were not married for some 35 years. But being true to myself and my feelings was and has been far more important.

I wish you the very best.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#266625 - 12/11/08 08:34 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: KENKEN]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1961
Pete,

I've gained a lot from your posts, and just wanted to let you know I'm here for you. I remembered what happened to me when I was 19. Before that I met girls, but in retrospect I wasn't fully there (I mean I was there, but a huge part of my being was repressed). After I remembered I had some success with girls, by I was always in the process of trying to suppress the memories of what happened. Eventually the attempts at suppression led me to acting pretty bizarre and I drove a lot of people away from me. Then there was the depressions and isolation. Things are getting better, and that much I am thankful for (though I still carry around a lot of hurts, but that is just the way of things). I guess what I am trying to get at is that when I some day may find myself in a relationship that seems like it might be going somewhere, this is something I will need to share (though the thought scares me); it is too big a part of my experience. But I have been aware of my past for 17 years now, and having opened up thanks to those that have allowed it and also places like this, I know it is okay. And if it is not okay with that person, then that means it was not meant to be. I'm not sure what I am getting at but I hope whatever happens works out for your healing. I know it is very hard to get people to talk about these issues (I wish my family would converse with me more about what happened, but they just kind of ignore it; I have disclosed to them). Some people just have a hard time with this stuff. You deserve to find some peace in regards to these things just like the rest.

Eric


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#266645 - 12/11/08 10:09 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: petercorbett]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
It is not that they don't understand, they do, but the fact is they don't get it is the cue here, to let go your anger against your wife, she will not get it, as will anyone who has not gone through it personally.

CSA is usually so complex and complicated that it takes us years to get to fathom its core, so how can we expect others to get it, at most they get scared by it, and quickly switch channels! Plus they are traumatized themselves, and up their survivor mechanisms, as we did for many years, to let us know that they are scared too, and confused as well. In this scenario, who better to comfort the spouse of a survivor, than you! As you know how it feels.

So, the biggest freedom you can give to yourself, is to not expect someone else to understand you or your journey. Now that you understand Lil' Pete well, its good enough for you both, after all there is no greater love than Self Love.

All the best

MS

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#266648 - 12/11/08 10:16 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: ericc]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Pete,

Sorry things are like this with your wife right now over all this - the one person you would hope would support you the most it turns out like she doesn't want to support you at all. Different people react to this stuff in different ways, though. Maybe she just doesn't really "get it" when it comes to the depths of the emotions of all this and doesn't really know what to do. I dunno, I'm just thinking out loud here. You DO deserve to be supported in your recovery, though, Pete, and I hope you see and know that. Do what you have to do for yourself, you need to take care of what you need.

_________________________
Eddie

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#266735 - 12/12/08 01:10 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: EGL]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 02:20 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky—try to take over the world."

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#266757 - 12/12/08 04:06 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: dusty42]
Roofus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 233
Loc: Utah
Good luck Pete,

I have a feeling you have made the right decision. My heart goes out to you.

allen


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#266762 - 12/12/08 04:21 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: dusty42]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Pete my Brother;

I am soo thankful for MorningStar's reply... I have been grappling with how to say my piece on this one. I pray that you plug along with her; it is my belief that we choose our partners, below the conscious level, due to their complimentary natures. Lord knows my wife fills my voids as I do her's. I pray that you and your bride find those mutual benefits and carry on and grow through the rest of your days.

Lord knows my wife was in shock when I initially revealed what I know of my incest experience... and promptly hid from it for another 8 years.. until I dumped on her the details of my medicating to survive(exist) with it, and I knew barely half of my abuse history then, specifically my addictive acting out with work, food and sex. She was deeply hurt and protected herself and our children as best she could. We were separated for about 9 months and we started counseling a month before she invited me home. We grow a little each day and like all beneficial growth it is a 2 steps forward and 1 step back process. My marriage is certainly not perfect and I hope I never think it is... I pray that it continues to be real and a work in progress... as I hear in 12-step rooms "Progress not perfection".

With my love and prayers for you and your wife.

Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#266854 - 12/12/08 11:36 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: petercorbett]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I think eventually we have to make peace with the fact that many in our lives will not understand us, but I also think it's understandable that we would feel a lot of anger about that.

I can totally understand how you would feel like wanting some time away after having that experience with her. I think I would probably feel the same way if it were me.


_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#266858 - 12/13/08 12:07 AM Re: leaving wife. [Re: petercorbett]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Hi Pete-
just wanted to say, while i certainly have no answers concerning what's going on between you and your wife, i can certainly say you've shown yourself here as nothing but supportive; generational/age difference in a sense makes no difference to me- when my grandfather had had a diabetic amputation (and my grandmother had already spent well over 48 hours staying by his side, and needed some sleep), and all of the other relatives present had some excuse or reason why they couldn't do bedside duty- i was the one who rolled him over and powdered him when he needed it, reassured him when the stitches, morphine and pain had him asking random and out-of-character questions, etc. I only describe this to illustrate one way i very thoroughly learned- we are, all of of us, only human after all. My grandfather normally was not exactly what one would consider an "open person"... Rather the opposite, in fact.
As you so often have said, "Heal well, my brother"...

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#266860 - 12/13/08 12:35 AM Re: leaving wife. [Re: dusty42]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6857
Loc: USA
Little and Big Pete Moose

It sounds as though you both would like to make it work if you could.

A lot of us have gone through this kind of thing. When the memories surface, it totally changes our concept of who we are. It is hard to assimilate this and to achieve a sense of wholeness again. But it is even harder for the wife to understand. But it is possible.

I am going to try to list some of the things that helped me and my wife in your situation. We had had some heated arguments which were destructive to our relationship.

1. We did have a separation of about a year. We both found during that time that we wanted to come back together.

2. When we did come back together, we read several books on abuse. Together. We read a chapter a day. Often she was the one who read to me. We particularly read books by Torey Hayden. Torey Hayden is gifted at understanding abused children and writing winsomely about them. She has written a bunch of books. This allowed her to grow into an understanding of what abuse means and how to relate to abuse in a spouse. We were of course free to discuss issues.

http://www.amazon.com/One-Child-Torey-L-...6078&sr=1-2

Other books are of course options. Here you just use your judgement as to what you think might work.

3. We didn't become intimate for a few months until we both reached a higher level of understanding of abuse issues and how they affected our lives. We had to re-establish trust.

4. We started going to fun places together again.

I hope this helps.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#266875 - 12/13/08 04:33 AM Re: leaving wife. [Re: pufferfish]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Greetings, to my friends/brothers whom have responded to this post. My brothers/friends sure show their compassion, understanding and love to this old boy, and from the depths of my soul I thank evrey one of you. Now I am a sorry SOB in thinking that when I AM in an emotional turmoil that I expect my wife to respond to me in a positive way. When (and the light just came on in my brain) if anyone who has read my various posts about me, can see where I always mention that I have/had no emotional skills, no social skills. So for 35 years of not showing the proper emotions to my wife, as I did not posess the skills, and just telling her in so many words to(deal with it). Now I am the one sort of demanding understanding, compassion and love, well maybe it's payback time to me. Yep, just deal with it, my dear....ooops, hey I never called her my dear, nor show her any compassion, understanding and love......ooops, hey I hardly ever told her that I love her either. So now that Lil' Peter has showed up he has reminded me that "our" "mother", perpertrators had done their job well, in killing this little boy, we became what we were. So my brothers/friends, I can see a bit clearer right now. So as my therapist told the both of us last week, Peter has a lot to learn about emotions, compassion, understanding and how to love her, but she has to have patience, as it will not happen tomorrow, next week or maybe even next year, but it is a work in progress. He (me) has always had compassion, understanding for my military buddies, for those other boys in that orphanage/Home, but for some reason I NEVER had any understanding for girls/females, let alone compassion and Love. A bit windy. So my very dear brothers/friends, again from the depths of my soul, I thank you and love you all. Heal wellmy BROTHERS/FRIENDS.
Lil' Pete & Big Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#266993 - 12/13/08 02:57 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: dusty42]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Pete-I went through this twice. I hope you can get though all this the best way possible. I hope some good things are also happening for you too or soon will to help you get through.

Thinking of you Pete

Michael

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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