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#266550 - 12/11/08 02:46 PM leaving wife.
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2453
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my friends/brothers, This past week has been hell for me, both emotionally and physically. Now I have only been in recovery for a very short 5 months. I had told my secret to my wife of 35 years, ay first I made it short and simple, I was sexually abused by my "mother" a male friend of the family and total strangers, NO reaction, NONE she went back to watching her soap operas on TV. So I told myself maybe she needs time to grasp what I said, so I'll let her sleep on it. Next morning nothing, Oh well. So at lunch she asks me a stupid question, and I tell her that you really do not know the man that you married, so she says to me then tell me, so you really want to know? Are you sure? Yes, Ok i sit her down and read her the posting that I had made on this site (my secret my story) I went down the list in all the gory details, as had surfaced on the 1 st of August. So I wait for an answer,like oh wow, or my God, or I can't believe it. I didn't detect any understanding, compassion or a sign of love, nothing. Information overload maybe, Then she blurts out, "so you want to leave me and marry a man", I'll give her more time, well after a few days she comes and gives me a hug and kiss and tells me that she loves me, she even told me to come to her side of the bed, hey wow and then she snuggles up to me and she thought that she understood. Well as we all know we sure do go into some very deep soul searching and our mood swings real fast, naturally she is on the brunt of my anger, sometimes I really think that my "mother" is working through her, as I get the feeling that I am considered useless, worthless and our marriage really has not amounted to anything, as I had shown her NO emotions of any kind worth mentioning, 35 years of hell'. Today I took her with me to my therapy session, I told her to speak her mind about how she feels about me. Well, we sure can't go on like this, one day or maybe two or maybe a week and I'm OK. But then when Lil' Pete brings more of our secret to the surface I am gone, I'm in the depths of my soul, searching for answers, but all I can come up with is Guilt, Shame, Anger. I never received any kind of emotional or social training as a young boy/teenager. None, Zero. Well ok she says, "why didn't you tell me all this BEFORE we got married", well it was buried in the depths of my soul and mind, and after the last sexual abuse session stopped it was buried for 55 years after the fact, so you knew a week after my very best friends were told, because I TRUSTED them with my secret, I didn't ever want to tell you, as I wouldn't tell you if I was on my last breath, you would NEVER UNDERSTAND, she still doesn't. I told her that I cannot do this recovery unless I have her help and understanding, so I told her that If I don't see any positive reaction from her, I am going to make my previously trip back to Texas a ONE WAY one, but no divorce, we'll just be living apart from each other, you (her) in her country, here, and me where I really belong in mine (USA) Texas. I can see no other way for me and Li'l Pete and me to be able to move on than by us two. By the way I'm 69 and my wife is 71. Maybe she will have a better life without me, just taking care of herself, and me and Lil' Pete moving on for the rest of our lifes toward recovery. So if anyone is thinking of telling their wife/girl friend. live in. It is my PERSONAL opinion, thet there is no way that they will ever comprehend, understand just what we boys went through then, and when it ever surfaces in our life. NO WAY. Heal well my friends/brothers.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#266553 - 12/11/08 02:51 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: petercorbett]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
Am so sorry about all this Pete...I wont say all of wives or girlfreinds will act like that..but I bet many do...we are victimized by our perps and amny people in society...it sucks but its true...sometimes we are blamed for what hapened to us...but keep up your strength and commitment to your healing..its a long journey but its worth it..and for many of us here you are worth it...HUGGGSSSSSSSSSSSS


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#266554 - 12/11/08 02:57 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: petercorbett]
Stretch73 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/08
Posts: 336
Loc: Sea Isle City, NJ
Pete,

I hope I'm not out of line by asking this, but how was your marriage before you told your wife?

It just seems to me, after reading this post that things may have been rocky anyway. I would sure think that if "you're elated to venture to her side of the bed," how often had she asked you to do that? Did you forget how to get there?

What could possibly be the logic of her reaction? Had you had a fight prior to tell her this? Were you both growing apart from each other anyway?

I don't intend to be judgmental. I'm just trying to get a grip on the bigger picture. I cannot imagine two people loving each other so much for 35 years, one confessing they were abused as a child, or something deep-rooted and horrible happened to that person years ago, and the spouse or lover not giving a hoot about it. That's just unfathomable to me.

Anyway you slice this loaf of bread, there's no excuse for how she reacted; or rather, more specifically, how she didn't react.

Maybe the both of you should see a marriage her-apist. (I always call them marriage "her-apist," because they always seem to side with the women. I don't get that.)

Anyway, good luck to you, and I hope everything works out.

Rich

_________________________
"I was so poor growing up, that if I wasn't born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with." Rodney Dangerfield

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#266558 - 12/11/08 03:07 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: petercorbett]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
My dear friend Pete,

Oh man, do I ever feel for you today. And I so take your point. I've done my CSA recovery all on my own these last eight years and am so glad that I didn't have a partner (male or female) to contend with at the same time.

That being said, Pete, I ask you sincerely how is it that guys feel it is reasonable to expect of their female partners to UNDERSTAND them. They were not abused/raped boys. They grew up female with that particular dynamic and we choose them as partners exactly because they are female.

My ex-wife doesn't believe a word about my sexual abuse and rape as a boy because according to her, when we married she would have seen the signs of it. She has no idea what the signs of it would have been but she's convinced that she would have seen them. Well, she lived with the signs right under her nose for almost twelve years and had no idea what she was looking at. I don't fault her for that.

You and I have talked about this before so I know you've given a lot of thought to this. At that time I was trying to help you not make a hasty decision about throwing away a thirty five year marriage. If today you still feel that the only way to true wellness for yourself is to be on your own, then you have all of my support in whatever you decide.

It's just that I don't see how changing countries is going to help you in attaining that wellness - where ever you go, Pete, there you are!

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#266563 - 12/11/08 03:34 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: sunwolf]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Pete,

My wife used to throw that at me,'why didn't you tell me you were abused before we got married'. Shit I didn't even tell myself.
Very few people can understand what we went through except those of us experience the same thing. How can you explain to someone else what you do not understand or you don't fully remember.
Is it fair to them to have to live with a wounded person.
Hell is it fair to have to live as a wounded person who so many years later is still suffering from the abuse inflicted on him as a child..
My abuse seems to put up an invisible barrier between me and others in the world. And at times this barrier shrinks some but never entirely goes away. Will I ever be like other people who were never abused? No, I don't think so. I just learn to cope and live in a more mature and healthly manner. To love and accept myself as the flawed person that I am. Today it is ok to be just who I am. Whether others can or not is there problem.
At times the best thing you can say about marriage is that it sucks. But the same can be said of life.
Do what is best for you and your recovery my friend.And in the end I hope you can find peace with yourself and your past.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#266579 - 12/11/08 05:38 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: michael banks]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Originally Posted By: michael banks
Pete,

Do what is best for you and your recovery my friend.And in the end I hope you can find peace with yourself and your past.

Mike


Pete, What Mike says above is so very true. I struggled with my CSA for over 40 years, keeping it a secret from everyone. It only tore me up inside, and because of constant nightmares, did the sexual abuse come out. My live in GF did leave me after 6 months of coming out to her. But now as I look back it was the very best thing that could of happened to me. True, we were not married for some 35 years. But being true to myself and my feelings was and has been far more important.

I wish you the very best.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#266625 - 12/11/08 08:34 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: KENKEN]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1977
Pete,

I've gained a lot from your posts, and just wanted to let you know I'm here for you. I remembered what happened to me when I was 19. Before that I met girls, but in retrospect I wasn't fully there (I mean I was there, but a huge part of my being was repressed). After I remembered I had some success with girls, by I was always in the process of trying to suppress the memories of what happened. Eventually the attempts at suppression led me to acting pretty bizarre and I drove a lot of people away from me. Then there was the depressions and isolation. Things are getting better, and that much I am thankful for (though I still carry around a lot of hurts, but that is just the way of things). I guess what I am trying to get at is that when I some day may find myself in a relationship that seems like it might be going somewhere, this is something I will need to share (though the thought scares me); it is too big a part of my experience. But I have been aware of my past for 17 years now, and having opened up thanks to those that have allowed it and also places like this, I know it is okay. And if it is not okay with that person, then that means it was not meant to be. I'm not sure what I am getting at but I hope whatever happens works out for your healing. I know it is very hard to get people to talk about these issues (I wish my family would converse with me more about what happened, but they just kind of ignore it; I have disclosed to them). Some people just have a hard time with this stuff. You deserve to find some peace in regards to these things just like the rest.

Eric


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#266645 - 12/11/08 10:09 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: petercorbett]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
It is not that they don't understand, they do, but the fact is they don't get it is the cue here, to let go your anger against your wife, she will not get it, as will anyone who has not gone through it personally.

CSA is usually so complex and complicated that it takes us years to get to fathom its core, so how can we expect others to get it, at most they get scared by it, and quickly switch channels! Plus they are traumatized themselves, and up their survivor mechanisms, as we did for many years, to let us know that they are scared too, and confused as well. In this scenario, who better to comfort the spouse of a survivor, than you! As you know how it feels.

So, the biggest freedom you can give to yourself, is to not expect someone else to understand you or your journey. Now that you understand Lil' Pete well, its good enough for you both, after all there is no greater love than Self Love.

All the best

MS

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#266648 - 12/11/08 10:16 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: ericc]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Pete,

Sorry things are like this with your wife right now over all this - the one person you would hope would support you the most it turns out like she doesn't want to support you at all. Different people react to this stuff in different ways, though. Maybe she just doesn't really "get it" when it comes to the depths of the emotions of all this and doesn't really know what to do. I dunno, I'm just thinking out loud here. You DO deserve to be supported in your recovery, though, Pete, and I hope you see and know that. Do what you have to do for yourself, you need to take care of what you need.

_________________________
Eddie

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#266735 - 12/12/08 01:10 PM Re: leaving wife. [Re: EGL]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 02:20 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky—try to take over the world."

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