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#266492 - 12/11/08 06:53 AM Relationships!
josef^61 Offline


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 41
Loc: lancaster Pa.
I see a lot of guys that worry cause they have not been able to establish a relationship with either a male or female. I have been all my life trying to be a str8t male and yet i had attractions to other males. Problem was i just couldn't except the fact that maybe i was gay and that if i allowed myself to open up to that person i am with and allow myself the freedom to enjoy what was happening that is as long as this is in a mutual situation where as both wants this to be.
I for a long time never could enjoy having any sexual contact with a female or male, even though i could perform. Then i just decided to throw everything out the door as to what i think. Once i was open to the concept of kissing another man and that it could be enjoyable OMG my first kiss with another man last year was something i never knew i could feel but i allowed myself to be open and yes i prepared myself i told myself i wanted this and i know i need to do this and when i did i was so totally shocked by what i felt That tingle that ran down my back and made my legs go all rubbery. I think a lot comes from fear !
When we can get past our fears then we are ready to be able to accept what happens. Forget about what you been told or the taboos that you have been taught and forget about the person who has hurt you cause the person that is in front of you isn't that same person that abused you.
Don't worry about rejection cause it will stop you from going forward in life. It is ok to feel and to enjoy what is happening inside you.
Remember we are humans and we all have needs to be met. We deserve to be kind to ourselves. It is ok to love another and that its ok to be hurt but don't let that get you down there is other fish out in the sea that might be the right person for us. That kind of hurt is a good hurt. As much as i want to say. I been there pass this year My first love i fell hard for and i mean i fell really hard for this boy i am so in love with still today. Yes it hurt like hell but it was a constructive hurt a learning step. It felt good and yet it hurt but now i know i can truly love another.
I thought that the world was going to stop cause he used me but yet it was a wonderful experience and i am glad that it happen and am i ready to do it all over again Yes. It hurt and i wanted not to live. I never knew love can be so hurtful but i am up off my butt now and I hope to find another partner
It is a big step that i had taken but i found out when i open myself to a situation and allow myself to experience it It can be either good or a bad situation but as long as your prepared for the better or worse then you will not be disappointed.
Fear, rejection , worry, is our worst enemy sure we are ones who have scars and cause of this Its that wall that doesn't allow us to go forward. As long as we stay afraid then we will not be able to experience any normal type of life. Take one step at a time its like learning to walk all over again. Me its taken 30 some years before i realize this and it was what kept me from learning a new way of life.
Look i come from a southern style baptist church beliefs.
So that had a strong affect on me and trying to do what others think is right is a wrong thing to do.
Learn to be yourself explore that inner self. See who you really are and be that person. Listen to your heart. Love yourself or at least like yourself that is a beginning. For me i had started to heal long time ago but it was a long process for me cause i had to do it on my own. I had no one to talk to. I had to figure out most things.
One thing i do know is that we have to decide whether or not we want what happen to us to keep a hold on us. If not then we have to let go of our pass and make a new one for ourselves. No one else is going to do it for ourselves .
I am glad that i had my first experience and that it was with another male and even though it hurt and when you love someone it can hurt but its a good hurt.
We have to get pass our fears so we can start to live.
Josef



My story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=262469#Post262469


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#266499 - 12/11/08 08:23 AM Re: Relationships! [Re: josef^61]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Originally Posted By: josef^61
For me i had started to heal long time ago but it was a long process for me cause i had to do it on my own. I had no one to talk to. I had to figure out most things. ....................We have to get pass our fears so we can start to live.


My friend Josef,

You are so full of wisdom today, that is truly wonderfull to hear coming from you! I do believe that you are much stronger than even you might know. Your quote above is exactly me and I think probably most of us. When I started my healing process many years ago, there simply were no adequate ressources to be found (not a whole more today either, for that matter) and I just sort of felt my way along trying to figure things out.

But the important thing is that I did figure things out - that's what counts! And it's precisely all that work that has made us strong, and dare I say it, wise too.

You are an asset to this site Josef. Watching your journey here at MS shows us all that recovery and wellness are possible to attain. I'm proud to call you my friend!!!

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#266506 - 12/11/08 08:47 AM Re: Relationships! [Re: joelRT]
josef^61 Offline


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 41
Loc: lancaster Pa.
Now you need to stop that or you will have me sobbing my heart out LOL
I have a problem and i know this so when i am not using the stuff i am on i am a different person So my thoughts are totally different. I am very afraid of going without using the stuff to keep me in tow with my feelings. In other words it has numbed me to be able to go through each day and deal with life troubles.
Yesterday i am feeling i want to pull myself off this so maybe i can see things differently and be the real me who i should be .
I just hope that i can be of help to others
Josef


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#266570 - 12/11/08 05:14 PM Re: Relationships! [Re: josef^61]
Joren Offline


Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 51
Loc: US
Josef,

You write about something I struggle with daily. Fear is the largest single stranglehold on me in my life. I'm trying to learn to accept that, but as I too came from a strong southern baptist background it's not an easy thing to do.

I'm going to have to give this a great deal more thought, but what you write here gives me some small measure of hope - and that is something I thought I would never really see again.

Mike


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#266658 - 12/11/08 11:57 PM Re: Relationships! [Re: Joren]
josef^61 Offline


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 41
Loc: lancaster Pa.
Joren
it is a sad thing that we allow Fear to control us Fear has controlled so much of my life. I lived in fear everyday since i can remember back to my childhood I use to come home shaking so bad. And i still do the same today and it seems sometimes worse then other times .
It was at that point i would get so stressed out . When i started to accept who i am I was able to like myself more I think it started from there that i was able to be less afraid and venture out doing more with myself. It allowed me to strengthen myself inside. When i understood what my fears are about They become lesser of a hold over me and in turn things became easier to deal with. I remember bits of who i really was or was becoming I am sure we all have a time like that There is a part of us that we still have deep inside us due to tramma and bad things happening we had forgotten that part of us I remember now clearly that person when i was 15. That is the person i would like to be again.


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#271060 - 01/13/09 07:50 AM Re: Relationships! [Re: josef^61]
Michae Offline


Registered: 01/13/09
Posts: 2
I actually just joined this site now, I'm ha ing trouble keeping a guy/partner in my life I'm 26 years old, and I push them away, I was 5 when I was abused by two older boys

_________________________
"you'll get along, the pain that you feel, you can only heal by living, you have to go one living."

"Once more with feeling"
BTVS

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#271064 - 01/13/09 08:11 AM Re: Relationships! [Re: Michae]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Welcome to MS Michae, as a fellow survivor I hope that you'll feel right at home here.

Take your time, look around and get to know us by reading the posts. In time you'll see affinities with certain men here and begin to form friendships that will be very validating to you.

You're having trouble keeping a relationship? Really? Welcome to the world of the survivor. It isn't until we have dealt with the major portion of the issues pertaining to our CSA that we are in a position to better maintain a relationship.

Recovering from the damage that was done to us in the past requires that we be self-focused. Maintaining a successfull relationship requires that we be other-focused. I'm sure that you see the contradiction here.

I guess your question to yourself is, which do you want - to be well or to be in a relationship???

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#271071 - 01/13/09 08:29 AM Re: Relationships! [Re: joelRT]
Michae Offline


Registered: 01/13/09
Posts: 2
I don't remember much, but I remembered watching
ER and seeing the blacklight test and having a
Flashback to that exam

_________________________
"you'll get along, the pain that you feel, you can only heal by living, you have to go one living."

"Once more with feeling"
BTVS

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#271093 - 01/13/09 11:05 AM Re: Relationships! [Re: Michae]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Greetings, Josef, Joel, Mike & Michae.
This site for me is totally new, but it deals with relationships. It deals with things in the very depths of my soul. Now, right now at this minute, I am a married man (soon to be separated) from my wife of almost 36 yrs. I am/was a father to 2 boys. I am and always will be a grandfather to my 2 boys. I have made various posts in this MS web site, dealing with a lost boy, missed emotions and most recently little Pete & big Pete's 69 year journey. Anybody who has read those posts can see where I NEVER had any emotional, social & sexual training (upbringing) from my "mother" my first sexual abuser. All my other sexual abusers were males. My main (male) sexual abuser had given me my emotional, physical, mental & sexual training.I was his, I liked it, I enjoyed it, I instigated it and it felt good. He was the parent/s that I never had. In reading my story one will see that I offered no resistance to those total strange men, whom had approached this young boy, again the story was the same liking it, etc. During those years I was between 5-15. I had a homosexual affair at the age of 18, I knew what I was getting myself into. Once again I liked it, etc. I never had any emotional, physical nor sexual contact with girls/females until I was about 23 yrs old. With the exception when my main abuser had me and this little girl in a telephone booth many years earlier, I/we were about 8 yrs old. The only real emotional remote try/contact was with that young German girl. A German lady picked this boys "cherry" at about 27 yrs of age, no emotions attached to that, none-zero. I get to meet another boy whose upbringing was just like mine (without the sexual abuse) I was attracted to him (non sexually) but emotionally, nobody was paying any attention to him. So I took him under my wing and we lived together while his (parents) were buisy. He stayed with me while he was on school vacations, but being that I was physically and emotionally taking care of him, his mother was getting attracted to ME emotionally, she was giving me plenty of sex, and I get her pregnant, a boy comes into this world so I decide to marry her, so here I am at 33yrs of age an instant father of 2 boys and getting permission to get married. Looking back over those 36 years, I NEVER had any real emotions towards my wife, no emotions & no social skills. But I sure did have emotions towards my male abusers, I did have emotions toward my military buddies, I did and still have tonnes of emotions for my son (36) my 2 boys (grandkids) 8&9. But NONE towards my wife. Since those sexual abuse memories surfaced last August, I have been in and out of hell. When I first told my wife about my SECRET she blurted out "so you want to leave me and marry a man" Hell I never said that nor implied that. (maybe she had seen something in me that I never did)? So with all my emotional swings in and out from hell, she tells me that we just can't keep living like this. I surely agree. Now having been in great turmoil as to just who am I? What am I? In retrospect I should have never been in a marriage/hetrosexual enviroment, as I never had the proper emotions. Toward males, well it's all above. Do I belong with a male for my emotional, physical & sexual well being, right now I have to honestly answer YES. Looking back all of my sexual, emotional and physical pleasures came from males, for most of my first 18 years of life. So here I am, ready to enter a new life and relationships. I surehope that this makes some sense. I didn't know me, until now. Heal well my brothers/friends.
Pete (Irishmoose)



Edited by petercorbett (01/15/09 10:13 AM)
Edit Reason: wrong number of yrs married
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#271104 - 01/13/09 02:06 PM Re: Relationships! [Re: petercorbett]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
My Dear Pete,

It sure makes sense to me. May you be blessed with the truth of the adage : You're never too old when happiness finds you.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#271260 - 01/14/09 02:42 AM Re: Relationships! [Re: joelRT]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 02:18 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky—try to take over the world."

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#271335 - 01/14/09 05:58 PM Re: Relationships! [Re: joelRT]
beakin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/13/08
Posts: 44
Loc: Texas
Josef:

Congrats on the new attitude. That's great.

I just wanted to share that lasting relationships are possible. My partner and I will celebrate 27 years together on April 1. Don't ask me how that happened, because I'm not sure I understand it. What I do know is that I believed then and still do that we were meant to be together. And, I also believe he's helped keep me alive all these years until I was finally ready to deal with the csa in my past. Tom knows just about everything there is to know about me. That's pretty scary, but there he still is.

I spent the first 21 years of our relationship drinking. I discovered that I tried to work on the csa back in 1995. Apparently, it was too scary and I continued to drink for another 8 years. I'm almost 6 years sober now and back in therapy. I've been so successful at pushing down all the memories that I only have little glimpses of what happened starting around, I believe, 3.

At any rate, this relationship was by no means my first. I'd have three what I considered longterm relationships before that - each lasting about 3 and a half years. Looking back, I see why the others ended. It's not like I was faithful and my own fear of the other leaving just made me hell to live with. I alternated between believing I was the best thing that ever happened to my partner to knowing there was nothing at all to love about me.

I met Tom after I finally decided I was done. No more looking for Mr. Right. It just sort of happened. Tom has his own csa past, though he doesn't chose to see it that way. Still, he understands the devastating effect it had on me. Hell, he's lived with those effects all these years.

It helps having him there to support me through this, even though he knows I seem to just get crazier and crazier as I'm working with my therapist. Just knowing there are others out there who can actually understand helps a lot. All I want now is a little peace in my life.

Can love be painful? Yep. Can it be worth the effort? Absolutely.



ben

_________________________
Only you can do it, but you cannot do it alone.

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