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#266259 - 12/09/08 11:11 PM It's been a hell of a week
ca_tallguy Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 17
Loc: California
I'm not sure what is going to come out here so I'll just start writing. I'm rationalizing with myself that there really isn't a lot to say... it's all been said before. I'm exhausted and fed up with trying to recover, and acted out pretty harshly over the last week. I suppose out of exasperation.

But yet I know, and I know that you guys know, it will pass if I let it. It will get at least a little easier once my state of mind changes. Rationally, I know that I'm just down deep in the dumps, that I need to do more to look after my mental health, that I can't just sit by and wait for it to come to me.

I feel so far removed from any kind of life that I can imagine where I'm happy.

The hardest thing for me right now is Prop 8. And the mormon involvement in it. That my parents are mormon, and I was raised mormon. They voted for it. So I had a brilliant idea to get drunk for several days straight, throwing in the towel for a time and self medicating. Lubricated by the drinking, I called my parents a number of times and said a LOT of things. I'm feeling guilty about lashing out at them so hard. My Mom has her own depression issues, and they're not exactly young. I was not easy on them by a long shot.

But this site is not exactly about gay rights. I see Prop 8 as just kind of the superficial evidence on top of sexual abuse and problems with PTSD I think having a lot to do with both. Breaking news! The world isn't fair. But our journey is more daunting than for most, and I decided to drink for a few days rather than look up that steep road ahead.

I know, I know, stating the obvious about the world isn't part of the solution. The world just got to me over the last few weeks and I want to roll over and not fight anymore. At least that was the last several days, but things are starting to get more on track today and with therapy scheduled tomorrow.

Thanks for letting me vent.


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#266355 - 12/10/08 02:46 PM Re: It's been a hell of a week [Re: ca_tallguy]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
I have come to learn sometimes the best we to support someone else during a tough time is to just say nothing and offer a {{{{{tallguy}}}}}!

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#266364 - 12/10/08 03:30 PM Re: It's been a hell of a week [Re: ca_tallguy]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
ca-tallguy,

I'm really upset about Prop 8 too. My youngest daughter married a very nice Mormon boy and she converted last year. Of course, I couldn't attend the temple ceremony as I am not a Mormon and, additionally, I'm gay. My son-in-laws parents are bigots, some of his other relatives are quite nice, but I'm always uncomfortable being around them. My husband (we were married in July) won't even go with me because he's so uncomfortable being around my SILs relatives. Prop 8 caused a lot of grief for my daughter and SIL. Their stake was pushing very hard for everyone to support it and work for it and they opposed it. They and some of their friends have been ostracized for speaking up for my rights.

My husband and I gave money for the No on 8 cause and we are supporting all efforts to repeal this proposition. CSA survivors know early on that life isn't fair; being gay only adds another layer to that unfairness. If any of these looneys would take a moment to think they'd realize that no one would 'choose' to be gay. Would anyone choose to be a second class citizen and be vilified by most mainstream religions every day of their lives? That's what kept us in the closet; that's why we can't just stand by and let this happen now. I'm tired of hiding who I am. I'm angry and I'm doing something about it.

Take good care of yourself my friend,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#266437 - 12/10/08 09:49 PM Re: It's been a hell of a week [Re: Stephen_5]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
((((ca_tallguy))))

frown Michael


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#267563 - 12/17/08 05:54 PM Re: It's been a hell of a week [Re: ca_tallguy]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Hi CaTallguy,
You certainly did have a hell of a week but we have all been there in our own way. My thoughts are that you already know you somewhat regret your behavior and you understand self medicating made it easier to act as you did. That is a coping tool but certainly not the best and nor is it healthy...but that is for you to decide and I make no judgment...It sounds like you already have that down.

Because I strongly believe in forgiveness my thought is to approach your parents directly and own your actions while stating you had no intent to harm if that is true. I also think you are awesome for demonstrating courage...albeit drunken courage. You are who you are as much as they are who they are. I think reaching out after lashing out sometimes helps to build a bridge and in many cases it shows character and says more about your compassion for them. Depending on who they are, they may see the pain you are in and look at it differently ...and they may not.

I think it is essential to vent and seek respect and understanding but it is a two-way street. I tend to feel better when I try mending fences with those I love or just like. It sounds to me that you are bothered by possibly hurting them as much as you are bothered by your past and present pain. You already have a full plate of issues and perhaps taking remedial action will lighten that load. Your feelings are correct but was your approach correct?

Perhaps if you discuss whatever feels right when you are not "lubricated"...you might find common ground or some sense of peace.

I am also gay and as I see it they are intertwined into our issues for many reasons. The road gets steeper when we unwittingly attempt to address something and don't negotiate the turn ahead. You may be able to reach out without ignoring your core values and just be who you are. At least you can say you tried. This is only my opinion and not necessarily the answer for you. It may be something to consider as a way of taking responsibility and having some control rather than another problem. Finally, don't beat yourself up....you are in a lot of pain...forgive yourself first. You deserve it.

I wish you the best.
Peace,
Dan


_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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