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#26578 - 10/06/04 02:53 AM Re: Would you believe any answer they gave?
dan_in_newengland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/01
Posts: 161
Loc: Mass
no no and no


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#26580 - 10/06/04 03:06 AM Re: Would you believe any answer they gave?
yesac76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
No, no f*cking way, and NEVER!
Casey

_________________________
"You live it or lie it" Metallica

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#26581 - 10/06/04 04:17 AM Re: Would you believe any answer they gave?
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Hey guys,

To my way of thinking, Ken's exercise in getting me to formulate questions I would ask the incarcerated offender is a good one for me.

No matter if I answer the questions Marc posed; whether "Yes" or "No" or however, Ken's thread is a valuable one.

The fact of being able to imagine myself in my own head facing the men who abused me and actually searchng myself for how I would respond in a rational and civilized manner is one way of weaning myself from the despair, the anger and the violence that make up my previous modes of self expression.

There is an excellent section in Mike Lew's book on the progression of the stages of recovery. It struck me particularly hard when he spoke of the damaging effects of unmitigated, untreated anger and rage.

Getting stuck in the anger stage is where I found myself not long ago. And I hated the way it made me feel about myself and others.

As a friend of mine observed, hatred is like a poison that I drink, expecting it to harm the person I detest.

I would definitely recommend that part of the book for anyone attempting to coexist in a community of survivors. The anger and rage whose flames I stoke and fan eventually burn those people with whom I surround myself. In this case, it was my fellow survivors and of course, myself.

For me to be able to begin to force myself to 'act as if' was a first step in regaining some measure of control over my emotional life.

It wasn't easy to begin. Anger, spite, revenge and hatefulness are very safe feelings in that they seem to offer some protection. But in the end I have to admit that they are also very destructive, especially to me and my self esteem.

The perpetrator was scarcely harmed by my rage.

Don't get me wrong. This is my experience and yours may be different. And I too needed and still do need ways to vent my anger and rage at those who abused me and those who stood by and did nothing.

I also had to begin to imagine myself responding in a different way. I had to try to begin acting my way into a different and less harmful way being with my pain and my sorrow.

I recognize my right and the right of others to have all the emotions they need to facilitate their recovery from the horrible effects of sexual abuse.

For me personally I had to begin to acknowledge that I had a responsibility to begin to learn some newer, more effective, less destructive ways of relating to those men who abused me. Not for their sake. But for my own and for the sake of those I would choose to help, my fellow survivors.

I vent all I want and all I need. That's what this place is for. But it is also a place where I can begin to model different behavior. And I believe that's what Ken's thread was all about.

And so to answer your questions, I would say,
"I don't know and my recovery doesn't depend on my answers."

Peace to you,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#26583 - 10/06/04 02:38 PM Re: Would you believe any answer they gave?
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Marc,

Like you, I try to be forgiving, but I'd have to say f**king NO to all of it.

I don't think that's something I'll ever evolve from.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#26584 - 10/06/04 05:10 PM Re: Would you believe any answer they gave?
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
Hey Marc,

1. I wouldn't ask any question of him that I cared what his answer was for my sake anyway, so it doesn't matter if I believe him. There really is nothing I want to hear from him anyway. Just asking the questions would hopefully prompt him to think about changing his behavior.

2. Yes. I believe getting treatment would be a positive thing. I think a lot of perps don't want to do what they do. They have an evil compulsion, and treatment can help them control it in some cases.

3. No. Insure beyond any doubt? No. But hopefully some of them find a way to stop abusing children through treatment.


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#26585 - 10/06/04 06:34 PM Re: Would you believe any answer they gave?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
1. No because he would need to write a book about it to match the volumes, I went through

2. They should be treated, but is there really a magic pill to stop them doing it?

3. A portion of them will reoffend, and as you say, just one kids life sentence is too much to bear.

so the answer is no,no, and no

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#26586 - 10/06/04 07:13 PM Re: Would you believe any answer they gave?
Brayton_dup1 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/09/04
Posts: 30
No. Yes. No.

The reason I say yes is not that I believe it can 'cure' them (thus my no answer to the third question) but rather because if there is anything at all that confronts them with what they did and causes them as much discomfort as possible, that is good with me.

(Barring torture and death sentences, of course.)


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#26587 - 10/07/04 01:04 AM Re: Would you believe any answer they gave?
heart Offline
Member

Registered: 08/14/04
Posts: 48
Loc: UK
1. No, I would not, and even if they told me the "truth" this would not change what happened and I doubt very much I would suddenly feel all wonderful knowing why they did it, could it make me feel worse?

2. No,I get fucking angry when I hear about perps getting a "treatment package" free of charge when I have been fucking paying my arse off to repair the damage they did to me, I don't give a toss about them getting treatment, once a perp always a perp.

3. No,I don't believe treatment offers a guarantee they will never offend again. I think that most of the perps who take up the offer of treatment do this to reduce their sentences; they just pay lip service to the treatment and then go out and reoffend.

Thanks marc for posting those questions
Heart


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#26588 - 10/07/04 11:53 AM Re: Would you believe any answer they gave?
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
1. I wouldn't believe to his words but I would believe to polygraph connected to his body;
2. Yes, very. They should go on treatment especially because I do think about all possible future victims that would be recruited with much bigger chance in the case that they didn't go on treatment. No one deserves to go through our hell;
3. No, I wouldn't believe. It is impossible to be 100% sure that they would not offend again.

Ivo


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#26589 - 10/08/04 01:03 PM Re: Would you believe any answer they gave?
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
The answer to your subject line question, hell no. To your other questions:

1. No. What has been done to me has been done. I accept that I will never understand it. I don't WANT to understand it. Understanding it would give us something in common. NOT acceptable.

2. No, not unless the 'treatment' offered is a castration/lobotomy, two-for-one special.

3. No. Never. I am sure there is a percentage of perpetrators who go on rest of their lives never acting out again. But to trust that for the whole population of them? NO.


leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#26590 - 10/08/04 11:09 PM Re: Would you believe any answer they gave?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Well, the "two for one special" does have a lot of appeal, but I can't see any politicians touting that as their campaign line!

1. Would you believe what an admitted/convicted abuser said to you in response to your question?

It would be hard for me to accept ANYTHING they said as the truth. They were liars back then, to get what they wanted, and it worked. Has anything happened to them to change their thinking? They would have to work VERY hard to convince me.
That's about 90% "No"

2. Do you care if they get treatment?
Yes, treatment is essential. Society in general will learn from from them during their treatment, and maybe one day a 100% surefire treatment will be found, it's unlikely, but if treatment save just one child from what we've gone through then it's got to be done.
That's a "Yes"

3. Do you believe that "treatment" will insure they will not reoffend?
No I don't. We're nowhere near that point. I think that containment is the only realistic answer for a large majority of offenders.
So much of offending is in the mind, as opposed to the sex organs. In the book "The Hunt for Britain's Pedophiles" the head of the Wolvercote clinic ( our only treatment centre ) states that some offenders who have taken anti-arousal drugs, and undergone chemical castration STILL re-offend. The don't need the 'equipment' to do it.
So that's got to be about a 95% "No"

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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