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#265757 - 12/07/08 09:47 AM Hiding places from abuse ***Triggers***
MichaeldR Offline


Registered: 12/02/08
Posts: 36
Loc: South Carolina
Re: Hiding places

As a boy and teen, I remember having a fantasy of finding a camper or cabin somewhere away where I could be by myself, and depend on no one else. I also listened to Simon & Garfunkel's "I am a Rock [I am an Island]" over and over.

A winters day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
and a rock feels no pain
and an island never cries.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.


I know this was but scant therapy for me. It didn't really take away the pain; but I felt that someone (even if I would never meet him) knew my pain and isolation.

I remember when I was about 11 I hid in a closet for part of a day, scrawling something on the inner wall in orange crayon like "I HATE my mom and dad". It was discovered more than a year later. Of course, I minimized it.

I did not grow up in Beaver Cleaver's home. My home was not like any home that I ever saw on TV. When my father abused alcohol and drugs, he fought with my mother and we didn't know what would happen next, who would be beaten or what would get broken.

The part in song about "being safe in my room" and "I touch no one and no one touches me" was another fantasy since my father on several occasions came into my room loudly babbling incoherently, but very angry. I gather that I had done something or not done something he wanted me to. But I never did figure out was that was. All I know is that I would say anything to keep from being beaten, as he backed me against the wall near my bed, or into a corner.

If I started to cry because of fear he would berate me calling me horrible names like 'pansy' and 'pussy'.

One time in the dead of night he woke me up telling me he had a horrible nightmare that there was something wrong with me and he was worried. He wanted to make sure for himself that I was okay. He had me get out of bed and stand in front of him. Then he had me take my briefs down so he could feel if I had any balls, or just one. I couldn't even look at him as he felt my testicles and scrotum. I was 12 or 13 at the time.

I realize today that he stole one of the last shreds of human dignity with that one act. Until last Friday I had never told anyone about this, but realized if I ever was to get past this, I was going to have to reveal it.

Thanks,



Edited by MichaeldR (12/08/08 08:24 AM)
_________________________
Mike

My mantras:

Easy Does I - - - - - - Là où il y a la vie il y a l'espoir.
One Day At A Time - - - Là où il y a l'espoir: la vie.
First Things First- - - Where there's life there's hope.
LIVE and Let Live - - - Where there is hope: life.

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#265853 - 12/07/08 07:30 PM Re: Hiding places from abuse ***Triggers*** [Re: MichaeldR]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
MichaelR,

I remember so clearly the words of that song. It was quite popular on the radio when I was young. The words burned their way into my soul. I had them memorized. I was never sure why those words spoke to me but they did. I guess I didn't really realize that some of the things I was experiencing were not normal. I just knew I was hurting very badly and wanted someone to hear me, to comfort me.

Thanks for sharing. It's evident you have a good heart.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#265931 - 12/08/08 08:27 AM Re: Hiding places from abuse ***Triggers*** [Re: WalkingSouth]
MichaeldR Offline


Registered: 12/02/08
Posts: 36
Loc: South Carolina
Thanks, John, for your kind words.

I am but the product of the GOOD that has been brought into my life over the years, by kind, compassionate people, most of whom were survivors of one kind or another. I hope to be able to pass on the love and support that I have been so blessed to receive, here and elsewhere.

With my sincerest regards,

_________________________
Mike

My mantras:

Easy Does I - - - - - - Là où il y a la vie il y a l'espoir.
One Day At A Time - - - Là où il y a l'espoir: la vie.
First Things First- - - Where there's life there's hope.
LIVE and Let Live - - - Where there is hope: life.

Top


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