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#250981 - 09/24/08 10:26 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: Jarrad]
Davesc Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 67
Loc: NJ
Hi Guys, this is the first time On as a mamber. I went crazy with sex and am now pos. I started a support group at my church. It helps to have others around who are in the same boat. Hiding it is the worst part of HIV. I am married and my wife and pastor are the only one who know. She has stayed by me , God only knows why. The people I have met through the group are great. This is the first time I have ever talked to others about the early sexualization through abuse. It has really messed me up . In more ways than one.

_________________________
Davesc
_______________________________________
Thankful Wor Kirkridge Alumni Oct 2008

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#251048 - 09/25/08 02:25 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: Davesc]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Hi Davesc

Welcome to MS. Your wife sounds like a very good person to have stayed with you. I tend not to tell too many people about myself as some people are quick to jump to conclusions if you tell them that you are HIV+.

Duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#251852 - 09/29/08 02:39 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: duncanUK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dave,

Welcome to MS and I'm glad you found us. You will find a great bunch of guys here, including some who will know exactly what you are going through. Take it easy and let yourself get used to the site at your own pace. There's a lot on offer here!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#256645 - 10/21/08 04:22 AM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: roadrunner]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Hi Duncan,
I haven't been on the site in months for some health reasons (recovering from back surgery)which was a long process and I was in a funk and not thinking about much more than healing. I also was not thinking about sex or past abuse.

I am also positive for 23 years and not sexually active. I have been realizing my own fear about sexual involvement. I am definitely affected by fear of intimacy because of abuse and being positive. I have also been abstinent for many many months.

My point is to share understanding and to remind you that you are not alone. There is hope and I logged in today because I recognize my own issues of insecurity that I am contaminated and damaged. I am starting to think about sex and intimacy but I am afraid. While that may be true, I counter those notions with knowing I must change my outlook and continue healing, and accepting myself. That is a big awareness Duncan. Change your outlook or the view is pretty Grey.

Your post reminds me to be gentle with ourselves. I am sorry any of us are affected by past abuse or some of us have HIV/AIDS. However, I am happy your wife has stayed with you and hope you find comfort in that and feel support from here and many of the members here.

Isolation starts in the mind from our own thoughts. Often our thoughts are so negative and fear based, that we build our own prisons. Perhaps when we try opening our hearts and minds to allow ourselves to be loved, accept help and embrace our support more than we embrace our pain, we can move toward a better life and a better place...even if just briefly.

I hope all of us and especially you can find some comfort and see better days, because we deserve that as much as anyone. For whatever reasons you became positive they likely were connected to a way of coping. Sexual acting out is often a coping mechanism and how we felt valued. That is not the only reason in some cases but it was how we acted and and survived.

You have taken some big steps coming here and I applaud you for your courage. I think we all understand your pain and uncertainty. This is work! But you are worth the effort involved, and certainly not alone. I am not sure I am helping you but please try to know you can get through this and it will be a journey full of highs and lows. But in time and with effort, you can get to a better place more than being stuck in a lousy place. Hang in there and know you will get through one day at a time.

Peace to you always,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#256693 - 10/21/08 12:52 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: Danbuff]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Hi Dan

I have completely gone off the idea of sex..... i do not like to be touched either. I want it, but the idea scares me.

I wanted to be able to date women and for a while i was on a singles dating site until i found out i was HIV+. I wish i did have a wife etc..... but i do not.

all i see are bug storm clouds on the horizon and they are slowly getting closer. I do not know how long i can hold myself together; everyday is difficult. Taking those drugs on time.

I do feel isolated because some people tend to judge you if you tell them you are HIV+. I recently told a friend at work via text because i could not do it face to face.

I will know on the 10th November if the drugs have donw what they are supposed to do - but having said that i have not been taking them properly and also stopped taking them all together.

I wish i could delete the pass. I have made friends with some of the other hiv+ people at the clinic but i hate it. it seems like an "hiv+" only club. the past is my future and i dont have one, as far as i am concerned.

i will carry on doing things but getting involved with someone will only do damage.


duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#256783 - 10/21/08 08:28 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: duncanUK]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 105
Loc: Long Island, NY
Duncan....
I just read your post. Unlike you I am not HIV+, but I can tell you this.

You have a power that no one else has. You can tell people FIRSTHAND what it's like to have this, as only you can describe. As a teacher I can tell teenagers about this stuff till I'm blue.... and it doesn't matter. YOU, my friend, have the potential to make a vast difference in MANY LIVES.

I had a good buddy in college, an athlete like myself, who had HIV and passed away, but before he did, he acted on it. He did some wonderful things that some still talk about (he passed away in 1996). That's power, and influence. I don't think I'll ever have that, no matter how long I teach.

Please consider using that potential. Use your time. See a silver lining. Take the lemons and make lemonade. You don't know how many lives you can touch.

Godspeed, my friend...

Oriolesguy


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#265611 - 12/06/08 11:54 AM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: oriolesguy]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Hi Duncan,
I want to know where you are these days. Please keep hope alive and know you are not alone. Send me an email if that is better for you. I just wanted to say hello and check in. That is all for now. I encourage you to post on the boards, others may see it and have the right message or connect in some way better than I. But if private messaging is better, then please keep me posted.
Warmly,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#265748 - 12/07/08 07:45 AM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: Danbuff]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Duncan my brother,
At the end of this post, I have pasted a link about the USA easing travel restrictions on HIV+ foreigners entering the US. But I want to speak to the effects of your behavior. It is not just about you. We are here, often in pain seeking and offering support to one another. You my friend are not the first young man with rage and pain. Try and understand for a moment that you are hurting people who care about you whether you believe it or not and whether you know them or not. The world is not filled only with evil people. There are multitudes of genuinely good and loving people. Rejecting them hurts them in ways you may not care about. I guarantee you they love you in ways you cannot imagine, accept and understand. Give them a chance by giving yourself a chance.

I am between anger and sadness with you because you are obviously so wounded and you are hurting others who have compassion and empathy for you, but mostly you are hurting yourself. I do not know you beyond this site but you affect me and countless others through your painful and veiled cries in anguish. We feel love for you and sometimes feel disgust that you are playing Russian roulette in front of us. Please reconsider what your doing. Of course it is always a choice we have whether or not to continue a course of therapy for anything.

I am positive since 1985 when I was infected in London and sat frozen in fear for over a year after diagnosis until I began treatment in 1987. I think I understand you in some ways. I have lost many friends and know many more who never had the chance to take the cocktails before 1996.

I am fortunate to be alive even if life actually sucks some times but my inner life force is stronger than the pain. I could give you a list of the ugliness but it changes nothing that happened or what I deal with now. The truth is today is all that matters and I know people need me in spite of my own crap.

Whenever I begin feeling sorry for myself or hating my life or who I am, I surrender to the darkness. That is allowing the bastards to win and control me. Then I say enough. I am no longer a victim unless I allow it now because I am an adult with a voice and I am able to stop it. Sometimes I require assistance but I refuse to give some one or something power over me.

Duncan make this about you and not what others will think or say. Stand up for yourself and get your life back. It can be wonderful. It is hard work but you will begin to feel your power can be greater than them or it...whoever and whatever they are.

Stop the madness and choose life. Even if you think it sucks, do it for those who suffer in silence,who suffer more and have no voice. Do it for them who have no choice because you actually do have a choice.

Here is the link to the story. I wish you love and success.
Dan
http://www.iolhivaids.co.za/index.php?from=rss_IOL&fArticleId=4637151

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#265751 - 12/07/08 08:01 AM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: Danbuff]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
*** DELETED ***

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#372481 - 10/15/11 05:22 PM Re: HIV and Isolation [Re: duncanUK]
aeon jiminy Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 6
I spend most of my time in online fantasy and chat.


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