Wow, I definitely ditto this!:
this board triggers me alot but i need that to feel
Healingme, that one phrase from you speaks volumes about how you are moving (and how I'm moving), from victim to survivor.
In victim mode, I don't want to feel, at least not my own true feelings. Thus I bury my real self, under a variety of DOCS (Drugs Of Choice) I use to medicate & numb myself, as I act out or act in, sexually, emotionally, & otherwise.
But when I live as the survivor that I am, instead of acting & numbing ("playing dead"), I live, I am, ME. In working my own recovery from sexual abuse trauma & sex addiction, I've been so triggered at times I've had to back off & try to pace myself better, try something different.
Healingme, you want
to feel, to be you, even at the risk of triggers.
Right now I find your courage & desire to grow into & be your true self inspiring. Becuz I've been triggered a lot by a few things on this board recently myself.
So your words are very timely for me, and tho you didn't intend them for me, I thank you.
I've been having a lot more struggles with acting out & numbing out again lately, for lots of reasons; and I've had to fight down feelings of discouragement & wanting to "quit" that I know aren't true to my true self.
Just goes to show how when you pay attention to & work your own recovery, you can be such a help to others.
Thank you! You are truly a true survivor!