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#26566 - 12/07/02 07:04 PM more want to tell
healingme Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 5
Loc: iowa
this may trigger

the night i crossed the line to perp i had come home from a bisnuss party i had drank about 6 beers and i was feeling good it was about 11pm my daughter was home and had some friends over and they had been drinking the achole that was in the house and the wanted to drink more. so i went to the store and bought some rum and vodka for them and a 5 th of so co 100 proof for me i drank the so co myself and they drank the other stuff i didnt start drinking untill about 2 am and finished the bottel at about 830 am me and another friend of my daughters friends put the girl in question in bed im my daughters room at about 230 am and i went back to drinking my daughter was already in bed she had to work the next day she said that shortly after we put her in bed she got up and went and puked and never came back i went to bed at about 830 am and passed out and i dont rember anything untill i woke to find her ridding me and i told her to stop. she said she didnt rember any thing. her mother is a social worker and she told her mother what had happened and her mother reported to the police there is a law on the books in ia that states that if the accused is more than 4years older than the acusser and the accuser is incapassated the state can press charges. and the rape shield law comes into play because this wasnt the frist time she did this. she had gotten drunk other times and had sex with people she didnt know. my wife had been out of town for about month and a week when she came back i didnt tell her for about 2 weks and when i did she left and went to a friends house in mi she came back about a week later and moved out. i also gave her an std bcause we had sex whin she came back the girl had gotten somthing from one of her other parteners and passed it on. i dont rember any thing after i went to bed and woke up my therapest sugest that i blacked out and not passed out the one thing i know is that in 15 years of marriage i never started any sex with my wife. i didnt start sex with the one girlfriend i had before my wife. the hookers i paied they started to because i was afraid of gitting cought. i feel i crossed the line because i bought the achole and let them party in the house i was trying to be 20 and not 35 and i crossed the line. for 15 years i neglected my wife and cheeted on her with porn and hookers and one drunk teen girl the worst was the girl my daughters friend i hurt the girl my daughters the other friends at the party and worst of all i hurt the one person i truley loved more thae any thing in this world my wife. iv been clean from porn for about a month and a half and havent masterbated either the sa group and thearpy is great and i like the group. its working for me and i want to heal me for me and for my wife i dont want to hurt her any more at all hope this answers quensions from my story

thank you


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#26567 - 12/07/02 09:06 PM Re: more want to tell
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
While its true that you behaved badly on the night of the party and on other occasions I do not see how you fit the role of "perpetrator" as we commonly understand the word. Your therapist is probably right in saying you may have blacked out instead of passed out, but it still does not sound like you manipulated a minor or vulnerable adult into a sexual situation. You stated that this young woman had engaged in this behavior with others. How do you know she didn't initiate the whole thing? In my opinion, that state law about the 4 year age difference sounds ridiculous, probably very specific and political in origin. It's great that you coming to terms with your own history of abuse and taking responsibility for any behavior on your part that may have harmed others. I think you need to be careful that you don't go too far as a result of feeling ashamed and allow yourself to be labeled something you're not. It's important to know where to draw the line at accepting responsibility. It sounds to me like you got railroaded on this one and are believing that you were entirely at fault. Maybe even most of it was your fault, but certainly not all. I urge you to think carefully about what really happened, what your role in it was, and what the real truth might be.


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#26568 - 12/07/02 11:19 PM Re: more want to tell
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
hello healingme.
I read your story. Wow! I can only imagine the terror you
must have felt with all the sexual violence so early in your life
and the lack of support from your family. With me I think it
mostly happened during my adolescence. I think you are in
the right place here. We know how it feels to be used and
confused, to feel like we donít matter, to feel aroused when
weíre experiencing hurt. It sounds like it was your experience
too to have no boundaries and the craziness that happens
when life goes that way.
If the girl was 20 years old and you were not concious when
it began then you were taken advantage of. That is consistent
with what you told us about your childhood experiences. I can
only guess the childhood history of the 20 year old young woman,
and the nightmare her behavior implies.
That you aparently did not hurt your daughters while they
were growing up has me tending to believe you with this
drinking incident. It also sounds like drinking canít be a part
of your life anymore if you want to take responsibility for
your life. It really muddied the waters about who is
responsible for what. It certainly has caused you and others
pain around this, if Iím hearing you correctly. You are
responsible for the drinks you took. What are your thoughts
about what Iíve had to say here. I certainly mean to be supportive,
but I do also want to challange you.
What do you think about what your therapist was saying by
suggesting that you had ď blacked out and not passed outĒ
How did you find this page healingme? Was it surfing the
internet like me?


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#26569 - 12/08/02 02:42 AM Re: more want to tell
healingme Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 5
Loc: iowa
i didnt ever hurt my daughters in any way when they were young or when they were teens. i never wanted any thing like this to happen. i didnt want to be a monster tike my abusers and my wifes abusers and all the other abusers but i feel i crossed that line to monster. i dont rember ever blacking out in my life of drugs and achole use. i started using drugs when i was 13 and achaole when i was much younger. i my heart i do not belive i blacked out. but my doc said that i blacked out other wise i wouldnt have responded to the sexuall stumli that i had to want it for that to happen. im not sure because i dont rember any thing that happened. groing up my family always put me down and belittled me and compared me to all my sisters and cousines plus my mother tossed me into a boarding school when i was 13. i hate my mother to me she is nothing but a whore. my wife found this web site for me i dont surf the net any more bad porn addiction trying to stop so far so good. my wife is supportive of me and helps alot she has issues of me being a perp and she is verry angery and has alotof rage and hate about me for being a perp understandable. but i have feeling of rage and jellousey toward her new male friend. i know things that have gone on because i ask and she answered me it hurt badly. sex hurts. i just want to know a normal ilfe again except i never knew a normal life. all i know now is pain and anger and hate and jellously i cant sleep the doc gave me clonipin and i still cant sleep. this board triggers me alot but i need that to feel

thank you


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#26570 - 12/08/02 04:41 AM Re: more want to tell
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
Hi again Healingme,
I hear the searing intensity of your pain, and I know the courage it takes to choose the healing path.
I don't hear in you the monster you describe yourself as. I agree with Roy, be gentle with yourself, you deserve that. You didn't deserve the pain that life has burdened you with.
My experience is that the burden does lift the more I reach out for support. I'm so glad to hear you already have a therapist in place as part of your support. What I hear in you is the determination to survive this. I hear a survivor
I spent most of my life numbed out. When I'm numbed out I'm more at risk to act out.
It sounds like you're finding here something you're needing.
Me too.
I think I'd better get myself to bed. Good night!
Welcome healingme


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#26571 - 12/08/02 09:58 AM Re: more want to tell
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Wow, I definitely ditto this!:

Quote:
this board triggers me alot but i need that to feel
Healingme, that one phrase from you speaks volumes about how you are moving (and how I'm moving), from victim to survivor.

In victim mode, I don't want to feel, at least not my own true feelings. Thus I bury my real self, under a variety of DOCS (Drugs Of Choice) I use to medicate & numb myself, as I act out or act in, sexually, emotionally, & otherwise.

But when I live as the survivor that I am, instead of acting & numbing ("playing dead"), I live, I am, ME. In working my own recovery from sexual abuse trauma & sex addiction, I've been so triggered at times I've had to back off & try to pace myself better, try something different.

Healingme, you want to feel, to be you, even at the risk of triggers.

Thank you. \:\)

Right now I find your courage & desire to grow into & be your true self inspiring. Becuz I've been triggered a lot by a few things on this board recently myself.

So your words are very timely for me, and tho you didn't intend them for me, I thank you.

I've been having a lot more struggles with acting out & numbing out again lately, for lots of reasons; and I've had to fight down feelings of discouragement & wanting to "quit" that I know aren't true to my true self.

Just goes to show how when you pay attention to & work your own recovery, you can be such a help to others.

Thank you! You are truly a true survivor!

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#26572 - 12/08/02 12:52 PM Re: more want to tell
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I just hope you can get your life on a safe course

Not sure what to say. I a lot has happened, and it doesn,t sound like you started anything.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#26573 - 12/08/02 05:56 PM Re: more want to tell
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Healingme
You are not a monster, monsters dont want to get better.
Quote:
this board triggers me alot but i need that to feel
Yeah, Wuamei picked this out as well - it's a wonderful line and worth reading over and over.

If you're beginning to feel again that's so good, we learnt to feel again as we get better
Monsters don't feel.

My childhood was the same, always compared - badly - to my older brother and anyone else who seemed to be doing better than me.
I too was slung into a boarding school at 11yo, to get a "better" education ! what I learned wasn't on the curiculum.

That's where I met my monsters, and they're all behind me, monsters don't have the guts to come here.

I'm glad you have the guts.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#26574 - 12/10/02 09:06 AM Re: more want to tell
healingme Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 5
Loc: iowa
i want to thank you for all your support. but before you make a decision that im not a perp and have perp issues i need to tell the rest of the truth about me about 2 years ago i started to have unhealthy attractions to young women my daughters would bring home there friends and i would leer at them and be a total ass making comments. my wife noticed it and tryed to tell me about it and i didnt listen for what ever reason i was totaly stressed from her health problems she has heart deises and the sex addiction was getting worse and i was acting out more and more. so she left town because she couldnt deal with me or our daughter and more we were both being toal asses to her and she didnt deserve it. as the sex addiction got worse my acting out got worse and the drinking got worse and i was drunk just about every day she was gone and on nov 3 2001 my drinking stoped. because i woke with one of my daughters friends on me. but the sexual comments went on for about a nother year until nov of this year when i started flooding with memorys of child abuse and irealized that i had a porn addiction. i came to realize that i was hurting every one around me with my addiction and sexulizing and sexual comments. so i gave up porn and mastrbating stopped learing ant women and wanting to have sex with every women that i saw or came in contact with.i started seeing a t. and going to s.a.group and trying to be more sensitive to to other peoples feelings that ive stomped on but im still stomping on my wifes feelings constantly trying no to. i always sexulized and made sexualy comments about women it was all i knew my dad was like that and still is and my grand fathers were like that and all the males i knew were like that but i never sexulized young women until about 2years ago and thats when the shit hit the fan i still dont if im a perp or not will decuss with the t and work on that issue along with the child abuse issues. this site is great and love to post thanks for your support


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#26575 - 12/10/02 11:47 AM Re: more want to tell
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
It sounds like a good plan to take what you've shared with us, and continue to discuss it further with your therapist. It is all very complicated, and it sounds like it must be very overwhelming for you.
I believe you want to heal and again you are continuing your courageous journey to peace and healing.


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