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#265568 - 12/06/08 06:06 AM help
mama Offline


Registered: 12/06/08
Posts: 8
My son has been abused in the local school, the school knew about the problem but did nothing, (kids are not allowed to be expelled so the perpetrater was allowed to curry on with the abuse). There for I had to remove my child from the school and put him in a boarding establishment.

His therapist says I should remove him from the bording establishment as it is not good for him, the problem is that were we live there is only the one school in a radius of 150km. My son does not want to be home schooled, as a mother I do not know what to do, I only want to do what is best for my son.

He was abused at 8 years old he is now 10 years old and loves his new school.

He has got problems with how to deal with anger.

Hope you guys can help me


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#265733 - 12/07/08 01:08 AM Re: help [Re: mama]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
mama,

I would give serious consideration to the therapist's opinion. A 10 year old boy needs to be with a healthy, supportive family unit especially after such a traumatic experience.

Good luck,

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#265742 - 12/07/08 03:53 AM Re: help [Re: Brian]
fromtoday Offline


Registered: 10/04/08
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
I second Brians post, maybe he's frightened of coming home because he finds it difficult to process whats happened and it's easier to "forget" at the boarding school.

I don't want to frighten you but it's important also to realise that you son will be a very vunerable little boy to the moment and this leaves him open to further abuse.

Maybe homeschooling wouldn't suit him because his peers have been so important to him through the abuse, could you move house to be close to the school, does his current school accept day residents?

Love S

_________________________
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see.....
_________________________________________________
Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

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#265752 - 12/07/08 08:31 AM Re: help [Re: fromtoday]
mama Offline


Registered: 12/06/08
Posts: 8
His current school does accept day scollers, but cannot move to be closer to the school.

We do realice he is a vunerable little boy but I dont now howe to cope.

We as a family also got a lot of flax for moving the kids from school seeing as it is such a small comunity.

I have a daughter as well that I moved to the same boarding school as the one I moved my sun too to trie and make it eachier for him.


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#265949 - 12/08/08 12:19 PM Re: help [Re: mama]
fromtoday Offline


Registered: 10/04/08
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Hi Mama,
It must be difficult, are you persuing any legal issues against the perpetrator, I'm getting from your post that the issue has been played down in the community or possibly not believed.

Have a read of some of the stories on these pages, this is not to frighten you but just to give you hope, if somebody would have stepped in when these men were young like your boy their future would have been very different.

Your sons therapist is most likely learning much more about your sons true feelings than what he's telling you, Listen to the therapist and ask their advice, you have been thrown into this experience there is no easy option or way out but you have a chance to help your son's recovery, sooner rather than later.

_________________________
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see.....
_________________________________________________
Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

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#267083 - 12/14/08 09:22 AM . [Re: fromtoday]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
.


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#267170 - 12/14/08 08:37 PM Re: help [Re: Paul1959]
mama Offline


Registered: 12/06/08
Posts: 8
Hi Fromtoday

Yes it was played down in the community, They never denied that it was happening just that I am over reacting, my son is not the only one this happened to, one little boy started wetting his bed another boy lost wait. I am the only one who moved my kid even though you move your child you are still part of the comunity and still mix with these people seee them at shops and church. Because I took a stand my son was teased by the other kids and does not get invited by any of the local kids anymore.

I know my son is sharing more with his therapist than with me, when this all happened he saw himself as a failure and weak because he could not stop this from happening

There was reasons why we did not go the legal way

Mama


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#267235 - 12/15/08 01:01 AM Re: help [Re: mama]
Dusty Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia
If i were in your position I would ask the therapist why he has that opinion, and mabe even take time with the T and child to discus the school issues, T's dont always get it right.
As a parent sometimes you have to let your kids have dificult times and be there to support them when they come back to the nest.
I did a parent effectiveness course and it was a valuuable help enabling me to be there for my daughter.
Good on you for asking for help here I wish you well

Dusty


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#267239 - 12/15/08 01:14 AM Re: help [Re: Dusty Boy]
Zooey Offline


Registered: 11/23/08
Posts: 8
Loc: FL
Your child is happier at the boarding school because he's far removed from the site of the incident, but I don't believe that he should be in that environment. Like the other posts read, he is far too vulnerable and his family needs to protect him from further abuse.

That's just my opinion. I don't mean to frighten you.


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#267250 - 12/15/08 09:04 AM Re: help [Re: Zooey]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Speaking from the perspective of someone who spent a couple years in boarding school and of someone who in his adult life has worked at times with kids who were attending boarding school I'll say that it can be either a really negative thing or somewhat positive.

For me I don't think it was one or the other, but I've seen where in some cases the boarding environment is healthier for the kid than whatever he was dealing with before. For others it had a very negative impact leading to further sexual victimization among other abuses at the hands of both staff and students.

One last thing: If your child is in boarding school you need to be doubly vigilant in attending to his needs and letting him know he's loved and cared about by you. You need to be to every one of his special events. You need to be sending him weekly care packages and provide him a cell phone so he can call you and you can call him. When he has a leave from the school you need to be there to pick him up and take him home. Don't let him languish away the leave time in a lonely dormitory.

Best wishes to both of you.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#267268 - 12/15/08 12:17 PM Re: help [Re: WalkingSouth]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, I'll go along with walkingsouth.
From the part one last thing. I spent 4 years at a Catholic orphanage/Home. We were allowed visitors, really anybody who was interested in lonely boys, for a few hours on any Sunday afternoon. You must keep his love from you, you must tell him that he is your everything in life. That you really care for him. I hope that he heals well, and you too.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#267297 - 12/15/08 03:21 PM Re: help [Re: WalkingSouth]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Mama,

If your son has a sister at school with him and loves his new school, then the situation has improved.

You did NOT overreact. Is law enforcement involved in / aware of the local school's history? If others have been abused, is there a criminal history of tolerance at this local school? It certainly sounds like a culture of silence is well entrenched. Breaking a culture of silence takes courage and if often hardest on the person who first takes a stand! I am humbled by your bravery in doing what you believe is best for your son.

Make sure he doesn't feel abandoned. That his going away to school is not a punishment for telling. Understand everything about the new school's policies and responses to abuse. Get in their face and makes sure they know who you are and what your expectations are for your children's safety.

Keep coming back here. We are always here to listen and offer support and advice.

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#268030 - 12/20/08 12:51 AM Re: help [Re: WalkingSouth]
mama Offline


Registered: 12/06/08
Posts: 8
Thanks guys


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#268124 - 12/20/08 07:37 PM Re: help [Re: mama]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Mama.

I can really empathize with both your story and some of what your son must have felt, ---- having experienced abuse at secondary school myself when I was only slightly older, ---- 12-15.

If there is something good about your story it's that your son told you, and that you and you changed his school.

Unfortunately, I find it all too easy to believe that your son's old school doesn't want to even admit there was a problem.

When "eventually" I told my parents about the bullying (though not about the Sa), they took me out of school three months before I would've finished at age 15.

incidence had been going on at an escalating rate by that stage for roughly three years, but at that point it'd got to the stage where things were happening weekly.

The school however attempted to actually take my parents to court for contributing to truancy, ----- which was absolutely rediculous being as half the school didn't bother turning up. Sinse the school was on verge of closure though, the exec staff absolutely wanted to avoid any kind of hastle.

Expelling the perpetrators would've been far too public a gesture, ---- pluss, in my case there were sort of a few of them, ----- five or six regular ones and various hangers on.

The teaching staff even contributed directly to the hole abuse situation by absolutely refusing to allow me space inside the school during lunch time and insisting that I went outside unsupervised where most of the abuse happened.

four years later, when i was 19, we actually looked at directly suing the school, ---- primarily just to get the school to recognize what had happened, ---- and perhaps get an apology, but sinse it transpired the legal procedure would've taken up a considderable amount of time and energy, ---- and because I myself wasn't ready to deal with things then, we let the matter dropp.

I don't know if I can really give advice, however it does sound as if you and your son are very in tune, and if he says he's happy at his boarding school, ---- I'd just go along with it, I'd go along with that, but be there for him if he there for him, ---- as has already been said.

Before I went to secondary school I had a pretty awful boarding school experience (nothing Sa related but lots of immotional abuse), and my parents actually fetched me home from that school two nights a week, rather than have me board for the full monday-Friday.

Part of me stil wonders, ----- and probably won't know why I never mentioned to my parents what happened to me at school, but i'm fairly certain if i had they'd have done something pretty serious such as changing my school as well.

As for the community bad feelings thing, one story I later heard was that during the three months I was out of that school before I left for good,my mum had many conversations with the exec staff.

They accused me of either lying about or causing the problem myself, threatened legal procedings against my mum and were exceptionally vile.

Her response was to be amazingly intransigent. she was fairly persistant about my truthfulness, and when it came to the legal procedings was down write obstructive.

she "did not recieve"" the first notification they sent requesting a meeting with the truency board, "lost" the second, rescheduled the third meeting for three weeks in advance then was "called away for an urgent appointment" lost the next appointment letter and so on.

She was able to utterly frustrate them for three months, by which time I'd left the school and things didn't matter.

So, based on this I'd say believe your son, stick the community, and if anyone tries to do anything officially bad, fight them tooth and nale, afterall, you can always find new neighbors, ---- but not a new son.

I really hope you can work things out, and I'll be thinking of both you and your son.

Luke.


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#269274 - 12/29/08 11:55 PM Re: help [Re: dark empathy]
mama Offline


Registered: 12/06/08
Posts: 8
Hi Dark empathy

Your story is very simmelar to my boys. Started off with bullying by one boy but ended in SA by more than one. happened at brake times in the toilets and play ground because no teachers on duty.

He was beaten up so badly one day that my daughter phoned me from school because she could not find him, when I got there I found him hiding away, a split lip and a swolen eye. This was about 2 weeks before I moved him.

At this stage I did not know about the SA, we got his report for end of term this repot with his behavior of late rang worning bells for me. He got 80% for most of his subjects they also got scored for relating to teachers and pears where my son failed acording to his rapport. This for a boy that's an extruvert and can talk to anybody. I told him I could see something is wrong and I would love to help and that I could not help if he did not tell me what was going on. That is when he told my husband and I what was happening.

My husband went back to the principal to go and talk to him. Until to day nobody at the school denied what happened to my son acording to them we are just overreacting boys will excperiment and do things like this to each other. My son and this boy was nevver friends, this boy always bullied my son and as far as they were concerned
sorry have to go son just walked in mama


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#269415 - 12/30/08 06:35 PM Re: help [Re: mama]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Mamma.

That does sound disturbingly familiar, ---- though in my case it wasn't just one person who began it, ---- and most of the serious Sa was perpetrated by girls.

My parents I think only worked out the Sa from my behaviour, flinching at the S word, difficulties with physical contact and a distinct fear of being seen in any state of undress.

I also got generally good marks in school, I actually looked forward to all exams tests and mocks, sinse I got extra time for being visually impared, I took them elsewhere and thus didn't spend any time with other pupils, but bad marks as far as related to others went, ---- not surprising as basically people were devided into two groups, those who did things to me and those who didn't.

I'm really glad your son moved schools and was spared all of that. I'm 26 and only now dealing with the consequences myself, which is why I'm here on this site.


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#274697 - 02/10/09 10:01 AM Re: help [Re: dark empathy]
mama Offline


Registered: 12/06/08
Posts: 8
hi all

The new school got my son to partesipate in his first gala, at the old school this is where most of the abuse happened when they had to change from school uniform.

He did put his baggies on over his speedo as het got out the water, he did come last but I wish you guys could have seen him so proud of himself and both his parents there to cheer him on.

In my book he came first, one of the teachers that work with him and know about the abuse came to me while he was swiming and told me it is because of moments like these that she became a teacher, you can make a difference.

We tkae it one day @ a time and now after almost 3 years in his new school I see light at the end of the tunnel

Love you guys for listening and giving advice from you guys I learned what my son went through and do I understan
thanks
thanks


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#274712 - 02/10/09 12:29 PM Re: help [Re: mama]
riveerboy Offline


Registered: 02/04/09
Posts: 84
Loc: Indiana
Hello mama. I have read down through the replies. One thing that I have tugging at me is that the community does not seem to have changed itself.

I am happy that things are sounding brighter for you and your son, your family. Smiling.

I understand that small comunities can be difficult and even dangrous. Is it possible to somehow have someone from another level of your region, come through and give a nudge or something. Not to point fingers at others, but to come through town and say"Oh what is this ....Oh My". "what is being done about this?"......

Just an outsider to maybe lift the awareness within the community without placing yourselves into the picture. Somehow getting others inthe community to own it's situation and begin to bring change within. Wish the best for you,


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#275465 - 02/16/09 06:41 AM Re: help [Re: riveerboy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Mamma.

That's great! congrats to him, and you as well for being there for him.

Funnily enough I went swimming myself for the first time in three years, and the first time sinse I remembered the abuse, ----- in a small outdoor pool in the Italian alpes surrounded by snow. I stil had to wear a water proof T shirt and shorts over my bathers and change in a cubical, but that really didn't matter.

I must admit I'm slightly misty eyed over this, ---- but in a good way.

I really hope things continue to get better.

Thinking of both of you again,

Luke.


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#340613 - 09/22/10 08:50 AM Re: help [Re: dark empathy]
mama help Offline


Registered: 09/22/10
Posts: 1
Hi All you guys

Could not remember my old log on so here under my new log on.
Just letting you guys know were we are at today. I did take my son out of bording school in the end as the T was correct. He did not feel safe wen he showered nothing happened he just did not feel safe.

He has been Homeschooled for a year and a half now and is going well took his sister out of school as well and that is also going well.

After studying this site and reading what was happening and how people coped with this alot of what was said made me think of my husband's actions towards me and I asked him if he was ever abused he denied it at first but yes he was abused as well. Just asked me not to ever tell his mother he has never been in therapy but I think that he has stood with me and my son through all of this because he has been there himself.

Thanks again

mama


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#341522 - 10/06/10 05:57 AM Re: help [Re: mama help]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
I can understand the showers thing, it's stil an issue for me as well, in fact whenever I go away anywhere on holliday I stil hve to take a dressing gown with me and make certain the door of whatever bathroom I'm using locks.

I will admit though being on stage has helped with that quite a lot, sinse in a crowded changing room with others, there is neither time nor energy to really worry about things, sinse it's more of a concern to just get into a costume and out on stage than to worry about what may or may not happen.

This summer was the first time in a long while I got changed in front of other people during one production I was in. While I wouldn't necessarily want to do it frequently, it does prove it's possible when i need to.

I hope the home schooling is going well, however I do also hope your son gets to have other friends his own age and learn how to get on with people.

This is something I missed completely at the time, in fact I never got an adolescence really and it has made quite a few things, ---- not the least being anything to do with relationships, really quite difficult sinse I missed all the stuff that people are supposed to learn at that age, and society doesn't give men a break in this regard.


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