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#26552 - 06/17/04 01:33 AM Coping Mechanisms
fusionoflove Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/03/04
Posts: 112
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
First of all, today was my day off from work so I've been busy replying to various posts.

Something hit me though. Something that made me think why I didn't fight back or why I froze during the attack. I was never sexually abused as a child, but I was physically beaten. So much so that I was in counseling in third grade.

We talked about how or what I used to do during those beatings. I said, I froze. I never ran because if I did I knew the beating would be worse than if I just took it right then and there.

I think this translated into how I coped with the rape. I froze. The guy was about 3-4 inches taller and 40-50 lbs. heavier than me. I looked at myself as a coward afterwards, but what I was really doing was enacting my built in defense system. Freeze, take it, and it will be all over. Add to the fact that I totally screwed up on drugs and alcohol and I can see why I did what I did.

My question for others out there is what kind of defense/coping mechanims have you identified in yourself that you carried with you through childhood into adulthood?

I've noticied that I do this in verbal arguments as well. If anyone is in a more powerful position than me, I will cower.

Take it easy,
Fusion


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#26553 - 06/17/04 08:40 AM Re: Coping Mechanisms
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Hi Fushion

Coping Mechanisms. Where did you want to start!

"I said, I froze. I never ran because if I did I knew the beating would be worse than if I just took it right then and there".

I never ran and like you I froze when I was being raped for the first time. I was fourteen and drunk, I was having problems at home, I did not get on with my parents but I was never beaten, but emotionally I was starved of those things like encouragement, affection, protection the usual list in any dysfunctional family"

All of that I have just written is my sober coping stratigy/mechanisms if I was using my natural coping mechanisms I would not be able to see the keyboard. I know what Im trying to say Im just having trouble putting it into words.

I let myself be assaulted as I didnt want to be rejected....thats fact and that scares the living shit out of me.

Sorry for the confusion

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (Triggers)
http://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com


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#26554 - 06/19/04 05:37 AM Re: Coping Mechanisms
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Coping mechanisms. Hmmmmmmmm.

Avoidance of conflict, although actually, avoidance of forming relationships.

Sometimes, too much drinking. At other times, overindulging in exercise, and not eating, as means of control that the results show up in black and white numbers.

Avoiding sleep. Since as long as I can remember.

Mental divergence, to point of losing myself, losing time, memories, having 'others' of me.

Self harming behaviors. Cutting myself, burning myself, going out and getting into fights so a much larger (and usually drunker) person will hurt me.

I am sure I am forgetting some, but I think those are the most of them. Of course, looking at them, they are all negative. I guess I must have some positive ones also, but I am not in the frame of mind to see them right now.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#26555 - 06/19/04 12:54 PM Re: Coping Mechanisms
one_day_at_a_time Offline
Member

Registered: 01/03/03
Posts: 42
Loc: North Carolina
ITs really good to be able to talk about this because I felt as though i was alone in this behavior.

I know that i freeze also alot. I am trying to learn how to stand up for myself now because you know what----Im tired of freezing and being so scared of people that if they pick on me I just run away mentally or physically. I am a man and I have a right to defend my opinion and you know what, although I dont encourage fighting amongst anyone, I feel as though I should not be the one who always backs down because I refuse to be weak anymore. I dealt with abuse and my stepdad constantly being so dominating and verbally abuse and I am tired of being the stepping stone. I can say NO to people and be confident because I am a strong confident man. FUCK THOSE PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT THEY CAN PUSH ME AROUND ANY LONGER. WE ARE ALL STRONG MEN AND WE ARE ALL TIRED OF FREEZING UP AND LETTING PEOPLE ATTACK US. I SAY THAT WE NEED TO BE SICK OF IT AND REALIZE THAT EVERYDAY WE GO STRONGER. FOR THOSE FEELING THE SAME, I FEEL YOUR PAIN MY BROTHER, AND I GROW STRONGER WITH YOU DAILY.

PS IM SORRY THAT THIS CHANGED IN ITS ORGINAL INTENT ( TALKING ABOUT MECHANISMS) BUT ONCE I STARTED TALKING ABOUT IT THIS OTHER SIDE OF ME THAT HAS BEEN TRYING TO DEAL WITH THESE MECHANISMS CAME OUT.
WE ARE STRONG MEN
NEVER FORGET MY BROTHERS

ONE DAY
AKA
MARK

_________________________
I found God

now I just need to find myself

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#26556 - 06/19/04 01:45 PM Re: Coping Mechanisms
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Great thread,
Like the Donald says, not Trump, no, the Great Donald, my therapist, he says, that living life is coping. So, we can take that to mean that we can over eat, over exercise, over spend, over indulge, period. Or we can under eat, not get enough exercise, not spend enough and live like hermits. So, where are the limits, and how do we live our lives?
Don't you just hate those people who get up everyday at the crack of dawn or before, and have this incredible exercise regimen. They eat just the right foods in the just right amounts and get just the right amount of sleep. Sounds like Tiger Woods, or someone, doesn’t it. Or, how about the personal discipline of some of my drill Sergeants, now there was a group of guys who looked sharp and appeared to have a life that reflected it.
Well, obviously, we don’t have to be Tiger Woods or drill sergeants, but it is nice to feel that we have some self discipline in our lives. Finding that balance is the secret, I guess. Nothing profound here, but I just wanted to add that some of us were set up for the abuse that we suffered, by previous treatment that we got from others in our families. You know, it doesn’t take too many, “you’re not going to amount to anything,” before you start believing it.
Just remember, we’re here, not there, anymore, and we got one of the best support systems that I’ve ever seen.

Strength and courage,

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#26557 - 06/19/04 07:25 PM Re: Coping Mechanisms
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Fusion - I didn't relaise exactly what had happened at first, then when I started to realise I buried it because I didn't want to know. Then I got busy / busier & even busier - 34 years later I sat down for a rest & bang!

That's how I see it....Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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