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#265407 - 12/05/08 01:02 PM Responding to disclosures aka, F***, not you too!
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I'd like some advice and feedback. And permission to rant a bit, ok?

I've got this mutual attraction thing going with my best female friend from high school. I've had to explain "why sex is hard for me". My CSA. Effects. She's understanding, but also kind of clueless at times. She doesn't seem to "get it". Well, she just told me "it happened to me too". A teacher. When she was 16. Several times, she doesn't remember. I'm just crushed. Say it's not true!!! Can I swear here??? I'm so ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And hurt, and sick of this sh*t, and sad... I suppose I should be glad she told me but I'm not.

She says she "just let it go". It's not a part of me. I NEVER think about it. It's like it happened to someone else. It's not effecting me now. And... I'm the only person she's told. OMG. Been there. Done that. That didn't work for me a damn bit, the denial and silence. So now, I'm way into this stuff. Kind of the opposite. Read all the books. Have been somewhat public about it, started a men's group since there wasn't one in this entire huge city. Disclosure gets easier after the 100'th person. Because, I believe, and sort of feel sometimes, what the F*** do *** I *** have to be ashamed of??? I was only 9 years old! People have to hear about this. The silence is NOT WORKING PEOPLE!!!! (Ok, enough. You get the picture I think.)

What do I say to her??? What would be most helpful to someone with still repressed CSA? Do you think it's ever better for someone to just not deal with it?

Clearly there are effects. She wasn't at all interested in sex when we were friends in high school. (Thank GOD! Neither was I.) And that was a long time ago. Should I try to stir all this up now? Get her to remember, talk about it, realize that you can't just "let it go". That it wasn't someone else, but her! (Been there too.) Or let sleeping dogs lie? She said, (and yes it's true,) 9 y.o. is very different than 16. But I hear all the BS. "I was looking for it. I wanted it. Kids are sexual." You know what I have to say about that too I'll bet.

Of course people and situations are all possibly very different. But, I've had 5 years of therapy and am still struggling with some of it. Honestly, my life was, has been just ripped to shreds from it. Long story. "Just let it go" eh?

An then, there's the teacher who groomed and was totally predatory towards me, right in front of all the kids and teachers! Nothing sexual happened, but it certainly confirmed my distrust of everyone. Times were different then I suppose but still. How do you live in this crazy world where no one will talk about this? I want to tell the school board, write an article in the small town paper, and I don't know what would happen if I ever encountered these perpetrators... GRRRRRRRR....



Edited by LandOfShadow (12/05/08 01:03 PM)
_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#265412 - 12/05/08 01:29 PM Re: Responding to disclosures aka, F***, not you too! [Re: LandOfShadow]
Marinan Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 329
Ooooooh boy. I'm still in silence... I've told a counselor.... and some friends.. but no family. Its been this way for years. Hopefully, I will be able to help people like us soon.


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#265415 - 12/05/08 01:44 PM Re: Responding to disclosures aka, F***, not you too! [Re: LandOfShadow]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Did she ask for your assistance? No? - Then be a true friend and shut up!

I know it's hard to watch someone you care for suffer when you could so easily offer her solutions to the inner pains she carries - but until she's ready, willing and reaching out............

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#265427 - 12/05/08 02:40 PM Re: Responding to disclosures aka, F***, not you too! [Re: joelRT]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Quote:
Did she ask for your assistance? No? - Then be a true friend and shut up!


She didn't. She doesn't see any need at all. And I did mostly shut up about it, except to clarify with her what happened. I guess I just have so much pain about the long years of silence, that I fear that for people. But, true, that's me not her. I guess for myself, I wish someone could have drug it all out of me earlier, although I can see that wouldn't work. It would just be invasive and traumatizing.

Quote:
when you could so easily offer her solutions


No, I don't have solutions for anyone dealing with this. Just my experience, and hope that they find solutions of their own.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top


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