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#265119 - 12/03/08 11:21 PM New here
Matty Offline


Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 7
Loc: US
Uh hi,

Um my name is Matty and I am new on this site. I don't know what to say or how to start um so hopefully this is okay. A friend of mine I confided in told me about this site so I am hoping it helps. So um I am not sure if I could be considered a survivor yet my abuse just ended about a month ago and that was because the guy (who was my neighbor) just up and moved (he told my parents his job transferred him but I am not sure what to believe). The person who abused me started when I was 10 (I just turned 17) so it's been going on a long time. I finally told a friend what happened, I guess it helped to talk to someone but she doesn't understand fully. I don't know how to process this, and I don't know if this sounds weird but like I feel oddly alone and abandoned now. I feel so confused on so much and I have days where I feel I will never figure it out or find the right path. All I want is to feel better, or at least try to find peace with all of this. I just... I just want this lonliness feeling to go away (if that makes sense).

So um yeah that is my story. I hope I posted in the right place.

Thank you,

Matty


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#265120 - 12/03/08 11:27 PM Re: New here [Re: Matty]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
Matty,
It gets better, trust me. The first months, even the first year, are the hardest. My abuse ended 20 years ago, and even though I still have my down times (in a pretty bad one right now, just can't seem to shake the nightmares), I am surrounded by people who love me and care for me.
If you ever need to just chat, holler. I've talked with so many people over the years, I know how much being able to just "unload" can brighten the day.
God Bless,
lars

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

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#265122 - 12/03/08 11:36 PM Re: New here [Re: lars3229]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Hi Matty,

Welcome to MS, and yes, you are in the right place. And if you're still alive once the abuse has ended that makes you a Survivor. So welcome amongst friends. You'll find a great bunch of guys here, who, unlike your female friend for as kind as she may be, "get it" when you speak.

Take your time, look around, read the posts and in very short order you'll begin to make connections with guys that you feel you can relate to.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#265128 - 12/04/08 01:24 AM Re: New here [Re: joelRT]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3365
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
welcome to MS Matty

I'm glad that you've found this site - yep, you are in the right place - and I hope that as time passes and you get to know some of us that it will help to ease the feelings of lonelyness and shame

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#265143 - 12/04/08 03:13 AM Re: New here [Re: Matty]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Glad u found us Matty. And, of course, sorry u need us. It will get better. I'm not going to say when, but how soon I'm sure has a lot to do with the work u put into it getting better.

Sometimes it takes a long time to notice things feeling less awful but one thing that can make it a lot better than it was quite fast is finding connection with others who have been through it and knowing you are not alone.


_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#265146 - 12/04/08 04:05 AM Re: New here [Re: blueshift]
jggab Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/29/08
Posts: 53
Loc: California
Matty,
Welcome to Male Survivor. To echo what everyone has already said. . . you will find a lot of great people here (I know I have!). There is a lot of support and understanding. . . and yes, you are in the right place!

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask. And if you are not sure "who" to ask. . . you will find that any of the Moderators are a wealth of information and can steer you in the right direction.

Again. . . welcome to Male Survivor!

Jon


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#265150 - 12/04/08 04:22 AM Re: New here [Re: blueshift]
Little_E Offline
Member & Volunteer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 169
Loc: London UK
Hi Matty,

Take your time little dude. Your not alone anymore. We are all hear to help support you and each other. You dont need to do this on your own.

Keep on rocking.
Elliot.

_________________________
If your not livin on the edge your taking up to much space!

DISTUBED VISIONS OF AN UNDERWORLD!!

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#265175 - 12/04/08 09:05 AM Re: New here [Re: Little_E]
potchoman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 18
Loc: colorado
Ditto with Little_e and everyone else. We are here and so are you.......welcome

Potchoman


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#265181 - 12/04/08 10:04 AM Re: New here [Re: potchoman]
Matty Offline


Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 7
Loc: US
Hello,

Thank you for the welcome and support. Even though I still feel alone, in a way I don't feel so alone now... if that makes sense.

Matty


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#265182 - 12/04/08 10:11 AM Re: New here [Re: Matty]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Hi Matty,

I am glad you found us. MS isn't perfect, well..after all it is full of guys just like you and just like me and we are far from perfect. We are hurting but more importantly, we are healing.

I relate to the story you shared. My second perp moved away when I was 17 too. He moved away because I shared a bit of his "secret" at work. He was my boss. Anyways what I shared alarmed him so much that he just picked up and left. It was no disclosure by any means but it was close enough I guess. And, even though I hated what he did for me, I felt responsible for him moving away so suddenly. I felt guilty. I felt loss. I was confused.

Matty, I don't know if you have felt any of those feelings concerning your abuser. Perhaps not but if you do, it is not unusual.

I hope you begin to find your path to healing here at MS Matty and I am glad you found us. Welcome!

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#265183 - 12/04/08 10:27 AM Re: New here [Re: Barkabus]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, Matty, Welcome aboard, my friend, welcome to hell too. You are definately in the right place, at the right time and with the right people. Yes I felt abndoned too, but I was the one whom had moved away. After all he was the one that loved me, whereas nobody else ever did. Heal well my friend. The pain is great for sure.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#265188 - 12/04/08 11:35 AM Re: New here [Re: petercorbett]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
Welcome Matty,

You will find alot of people here feeling the same things as you, some people may be at the same stage as you and it is good to share your thoughts because you will find that you are not alone, and many people here have worked through many things already and can offer good insight and you will see that it is possible to get through some of these things. Don't rush into things too fast and take care, it is always tempting to jump in here and say everything that you havent been able to talk about with anyone before and have been wanting to talk about for so long (and trust me it is liberating to be able to say all these things and have people understand exactly what you mean and feel) but don't over-stretch yourself.

You have already talked about the fact that the only reason it stopped is because your neighbour left, and i'm sure you have lots of feelings about that. It is not unusual for that to be the case. When this starts at such a young age as in your case then you become conditioned to this kind of treatment. The only reason mine stopped is because they stopped doing it, and also with some intervention more recently. Many people, even though they don't like what is happening to them, may even develop a feeling of abandonement when the abuser leaves after such a long period of time, and it can be difficult to adjust. Some people even find themselves asking "does that mean there is something wrong with me?" because he just left. These kind of feelings, if for example abandonement is something that you do feel (i don't know and wont assume anything), are valid feelings and you shouldn't be afraid to talk about them, but you will find that these questions that may arise as stated or perhaps resultant feelings such as guilt for "letting it go on for so long" or the idea that you were somehow "in on it" are a consequence of the "broken" thinking due to the prolonged abuse and conditioning that you received from your abuser, even if you do not realise it quite yet.

This site should help you sort through your feelings and see that none of this was your fault and that you are a worthwhile person.

Lewis

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#265248 - 12/04/08 04:53 PM Re: New here [Re: king tut]
Matty Offline


Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 7
Loc: US
Thank you all for the comments.

There are days I feel so much, my emotions in turmoil that I can't sort even any of it out. Then there are days I feel nothing, I just go about my day not even remembering my school day (my friend says I look like a zombie some days). For the past few days I have just laid awake either staring at the ceiling until morning, or crying. I do feel lots of guilt most times, that I should have had more control over the situation... even though the logical part of my brain says otherwise. I feel so lost without him, and yet that makes me sick to my stomach. That is the biggest part that sticks with me constantly since he left. Even though he said it was a job transfer, I feel like I pushed it on him. I was always so good to keep 'the secret' between him and I. Why did he leave me? Why did he leave me like this?

Well I am crying now and feel like I am going to throw up so I should go.

Matty


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#265253 - 12/04/08 05:32 PM Re: New here [Re: Matty]
Dusty Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia
Hi Matty

The guys here are really good and you will get a lot of support.
What I have learned is that molesters are most likely to work on the mind of the kids and get them to take onboard some ownership in the abuse. Let me assure you it’s the adult who owns the shame and guilt not the little boy who they abuse. At 10 you were too young to make adult decisions. And with your hormones only getting ready to kick in you were unable to give informed consent.
Stay strong, keep up the good work and ask as many questions as you like. You have made a good start

Dusty


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#265259 - 12/04/08 06:04 PM Re: New here [Re: Dusty Boy]
loberhead Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 172
Matty,

Welcome to the site. I'm close to your age and I was also hurt by a neighbor. Sometimes I miss him, too. But, I think what I miss about him is the company and attention. I've found that I can get that through guys here. We are here to support you.

-Chris


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#265260 - 12/04/08 06:31 PM Re: New here [Re: Barkabus]
BroKen5 Offline


Registered: 11/25/08
Posts: 17
Loc: TN
Matty

I too found myself lost and confused. As stated earlier, we understand the pain, and are here to help in any way we can. Hang in there, you will make it. You are stronger then you think my young brother.

Ken

_________________________
Living in the present, shaped by the past, making a difference in tomorrows.

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#265262 - 12/04/08 06:46 PM Stolen Innocence [Re: Matty]
MichaeldR Offline


Registered: 12/02/08
Posts: 36
Loc: South Carolina
Dear Matti:

I'm sorry to hear about your prolonged abuse by your neighbor. I also was abuse by a neighbor several times as a boy.

I found a book recently at the Public library that has really impressed me. It was written by a 17 year-old girl who had been abused by an older male cousin when she was eleven and twelve. It's really a story of overcoming, and was based on her own diary entries as it was happening.

Stolen Innocence: Triumph over a childhood broken by abuse: A Memoir. By Erin Merryn. Health Communications, Inc. Deerfield Bch, Florida, 2004.

I hope your parents are helping you get to see a therapist or that you can get in touch with someone at your school about your experiences, someone caring who can help you work through this.

Best regards,

_________________________
Mike

My mantras:

Easy Does I - - - - - - Là où il y a la vie il y a l'espoir.
One Day At A Time - - - Là où il y a l'espoir: la vie.
First Things First- - - Where there's life there's hope.
LIVE and Let Live - - - Where there is hope: life.

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