Newest Members
jeremywickers, JScott12, TMatti2, DaiseyLady, uvagrad4
12501 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
innocence (60), pablo999 (53)
Who's Online
3 registered (tbkkfile, 2 invisible), 15 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12501 Members
74 Forums
64185 Topics
447888 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#264807 - 12/01/08 10:11 PM Helpful habits gone bad?
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Most of my music teachers/professors all had the same mantra:

"A true performer never lets the audience see him sweat. If he misses a beat, he rolls it into a rift. Wrong note? Slide it into a jazz or blues feeling. Most of all - never show how you feel.- especially if you've made a mistake."

Problem is, now it's my life. No one knows how I truly feel. I have this mask thing down COLD - it's a natural part of who I am. But is it protecting me or hindering me? And if the mask needs to come off ... I'm not even sure I know HOW to remove it. It's almost like needing plastic surgery to expose the real me.

and i thinmk part of the problem is it doesn't bother me. but if it didn't then i wouldn't be posting............

i am so confused frown

M


Top
#264818 - 12/01/08 10:37 PM Re: Helpful habits gone bad? [Re: MarkK]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Hey Mark-
Just wanted to say, however you see yourself, i see you as someone with a true gift of self-expression... maybe you only let the mask slip here at MS, or maybe you feel as if what you let others see of you at MS as a mask, too- but i've never felt you as being deceitful, or hiding behind a facade. Every time i've read one of your poems, i've been impressed by the combination of elegance and honesty you manage to convey...

Your posts have never struck me as willfully manipulative, in any sense.

As far as chat, you've never given me any reason to think you were pretending to be someone you weren't.

All that being said, i still can easily empathize with what you're talking about-

Sometimes, it seems as though i can't have a conversation with mySELF, without some form of protective shield/persona/mask kicking in...

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

Top
#264820 - 12/01/08 10:54 PM Re: Helpful habits gone bad? [Re: dgoods]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: dgoods
Sometimes, it seems as though i can't have a conversation with mySELF, without some form of protective shield/persona/mask kicking in...

BINGO!

That's definitely part of it. I hadn't seen it until you mentioned, but THANK YOU for saying it. Not that it's my only issue or greatest issue - but I've always said my biggest problem is self-sabotage. Now I see - it might be more along the lines of self-deceipt...

WOW ... What a revelation...

M

PS - thanx for all the kind words - I do try to be honest in chat, and my poetry and music are typically direct lines to my heart ... Thank you for noticing and acknowledging.


Top
#264836 - 12/02/08 12:20 AM Re: Helpful habits gone bad? [Re: dgoods]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
.



Edited by Sans Logos (12/02/08 12:50 AM)
Edit Reason: poor form
_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#265039 - 12/03/08 01:21 PM Re: Helpful habits gone bad? [Re: MarkK]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity


I think I have gone to both ends at different times. During and right after my CSA I got into putting on a front of false cheerfulness to cover up the fact that something was terribly wrong and that carried through for several years. Eventually I started to realize that the mask was becoming me even to myself and that I needed to lose it to find myself.

But underneath the mask of false cheerfulness was another mask of sorts; feelings about myself that become who I am but are still not really me.

The feelings are, at least, genuine, but they are chronic and thus unnatural so that mask is not the real me either. Onion layers. With onions, you don't have to take off all the layers bcuz that's what the onion is: layers. But the outermost layers are dead tissue that is useless to us and so it is, I think with our masks.





Edited by blueshift (12/03/08 01:22 PM)
Edit Reason: clarity
_________________________
My Story
My Art

Top
#265295 - 12/04/08 09:45 PM Re: Helpful habits gone bad? [Re: blueshift]
G5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 203
Loc: New Jersey
The Face or Mask for me, has been to keep people away, so they didn't get close and ask questions or take advantage of me. Over the years it's become a habit and my security blanket. It was me, but a part of me that I set up to protect the soft inner layers that even I didn't really understand.

So the CSA and the work with that....now after a lot of hard work I have a better understanding of myself and what I need.

As I've gotten older and worked on the CSA, I've realized that I am so terribly alone. My masks and faces have kept any and all at a distance.....and this process wasn't going to work if I wanted to participate in life. The old habit and security blanket doesn't work for me anymore.......I needed it then, but now I can protect myself better. If I want to let others in and myself out, I had to drop the barrier(s).

So Mark, maybe it does bother you (to have a mask) because you need something else, something more in your life. What your music teachers taught works in certain situations as a musical performer.....and as a camera operator like me! (Never let them see you worried....stay calm and act like it's supposed to happen that way) It's not a metaphor for life, but it's been stuck in your head that way.

The mask has come off for me at times when I accept that I need to move on and am ready for some change. I don't need that anymore on a regular basis. It's tough, but it can be done. Remember one of the sayings from the WoR? Be Curious. This phrase has helped me lose my mask at times.

dgoods said it right....we don't see the mask when you choose to share, because you have put it to the side....you chose to do that....and we benefit!
I said you were my rock at the WoR. You worked so very hard that weekend. I saw that you were trying, so I was determined to do the same. You took off your mask and shared yourself in the ways that you could. That's all anyone can ask.
Keep sharing.......

Chris

_________________________
WoR Kirkridge '08
WoR Alta Advanced '09
International Conference '10, '12
Oprah 200
PA Support Group
WoR Alta Advanced '12
"Silence Buster"

Top
#265308 - 12/04/08 11:31 PM Re: Helpful habits gone bad? [Re: G5]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Mark-
Very glad something i posted helped- there's been a number of "Wow, that hit the nail on the head" moments for me; and your presence here at MS has certainly been a big part of that- whether through a poem, a post/reply, or in chat...

Doug-
Thanks for being such an active participant here at MS, in general; maybe i haven't directly reponded to all that many of your posts, but i've always been grateful for them, all the same...

Chris- Very helpful and thoughtful words indeed, thanks for them, and welcome... you inspire me to make sure i attend at least one WoR before i die of old age ;-)

Ron- Sorry you felt the need to edit out whatever you'd posted, but i've been certainly grateful for your presence here; please don't get too carried away with the self-censoring thing, OK? ;-)

Generally speaking- thanks for being here, guys; as Ben Franklin said, "We must all hang together; or, assuredly, we will all hang separately"...

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.