Hi,

My name is Zoran. My story is quite complicated and I've started writing abut it in the Survivors Stories section. I am still lookig for some support and people to talk to.

I have many problems in my life. Problems which until quite recently I have tried to ignore, hide or just deny that they existed.

I am now for the first time in my life facing up to the choices that I've made and the hurt that this has caused to those around me.

Briefly:
I've ben married for 10 years, the last 6 of which I have been emotionally and physcially (not sexually) abusive towards my wife and children. My wife has threatened to leave on many occasions. Each time after what I would call 'an explosion'
That is an incident of wither violence or a heavy argument.
Each time I manage to convince her to stay and each time our relatioship loses something.
Recently she decided to try a different tack and has started to speak to guys on the internet in the hope I would get mad and throw her out.

Unexpectedly this has forced me to face my owndemons for the first time and to go out and seek professional help for the abuse I've suffered.

However, as this is now heading into the areas of my marriage and recent history, I thought tat I would take a step back and invite some early advice on how I should proceed. I desperately want to get advice on how to deal with my present situation as it is up and down every day. I am going through very many different emotions at present and my wife is not being as supportive as I'd like her to be (Can you blame her)

I've joined this group in the hope that I can share my stories and discuss my issues with others who would understand. I have started seeing a Psychologist but he has told me that it will be a long road to recovery. I accept that and I'm hoping that this group will help me during my journey to recovery. What I really need is a place to 'get thing off my chest', so that my poor long suffering wife doesn't have to put up with it too much. I am desperately trying to rebuild my relationship (She thinks I'm trying too hard) and I feel that some things would be too much for her to have to listen to. She is aware of my childhood history and she's been urging me to seek help since we met (But I knew better).

Any response would be greatly appreciated.

I am new to the site and if I've broken any rules, I'm sorry.

Zoran

Hello Zoran,

Welcome to MS. Yes, this certainly is the place for guys to talk to guys in a guy way and be understood. If and when you need to rant and vent, we will listen. If you ask for advice, we will do our best. We will offer you our friendship and all of our support while you work through your issues and we will assist you in any way we can. So again, welcome to MS. You are amongst men who understand you.

You've said a great many things in your post and I'm sorry but I'm not going to address them. I'll let other guys chime in wirh their opinions. I do, howevere, have two questions for you. May I?
1) do you genuinly want to be married to your wife?
2) does she want to remain married to you?

Please, I'm not being cruel. The reason that I'm asking is because if you keep on behaving the way you've decribed things, the day will come when you will no longer have a mariage.

No love partner is ever meritus of being mis-used or harmed for having the generosity to love us.

When you were a child, was it your wife who abused you and hurt you? Then why is it that now you're an adult , you are hurting her?

Given that you are asking for advice, let me offer this: Stay here at MS and together we all here will help you deal with your issues. That being said, your wife also needs a support system of her own to help her understand and deal with the insanity that you sometimes brings to her life.There is a site called aftersilence.org where your wife could find just that kind of support and understanding.

Joel,

Thanks for taking the time to reply.
1)Yes I genuienly want to stay married.
2)Honestly, not really but she's sticking around because she has nowhere else to go and because she wants to support me as a friend while I seek help.

However, As she has an obsessive personality (Something that she has brought into the relationship herself, she has found it hard to stop chatting to guys. This has been quite confronting for me as I had expected that 'to stay and support me while I work things out' meant tha she would stop all this.
She is starting to grow and spread her wings and see the world anew. She has recently discovered that she has a sex drive but sadly, it seems I am not to benefit from this discovery.

I genuinly want to save the relationship and the marriage but I fear I am trying to hard to hold onto her and in doing so I'm pushing her away!

Help!

Then my new friend, you need to post your dilema and your request in the Family and Friends Forum, That's really the place for relationship issues - WARNING - that Forum is populated with some very savvy and bright women, women who have a lot of experience in dealing with men like us and while they are certainly compassionate they'll also give it to you straight!

Thanks for the heads up.
That's what I will do. I definately need some straight talking - I just want to get out of the mess that I'm in (Which I've created)

Regards,

Zoran

Zoran,

I just read the part 1 of your story. I'll try to keep it short, but it is very clear from what you say that your dad was very abusive, both physically and emotionally (not to mention sexually). The sexual abuse issues aside, I think it is quite common for adults to replicate the behaviors of their family of origin if they do not recognize what they are doing and take steps to change that behavior. You might have a bit of that going on maybe.

Related to the sexual abuse, I would say certainly you have a lot going on inside (I would think at least; this stuff is hurtful whether we can recognize it or not), and behaving in a manner today just like you observed growing up would make sense (that is how you were modeled to deal with painful feelings it seems, based upon your dad's behavior). You have found a very good place to work on the sexual abuse and other related issues. People here have been through many things, and there is much understanding and good advice to be found.

We can only work from wherever it is we are at, at any given moment. Take it easy on yourself, and the effort put into healing from this stuff is well worth it. Also, if you notice the urge to engage in some of the above behaviors you mentioned, try and catch yourself before acting on these urges (so you don't act on them) and see if you can identify what set you off to have them (so you can start to better understand your triggers; this is good stuff to understand, and will help in your growing).

Eric