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#264447 - 11/29/08 11:41 PM Zoran needs help (and lot's of it)
Zoran7 Offline


Registered: 11/22/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Australia
[This is a repost fom the General section as I've been advised this is the best place for it]

Hi,

My name is Zoran. My story is quite complicated and I've started writing abut it in the Survivors Stories section. I am still lookig for some support and people to talk to.

I have many problems in my life. Problems which until quite recently I have tried to ignore, hide or just deny that they existed.

I am now for the first time in my life facing up to the choices that I've made and the hurt that this has caused to those around me.

Briefly:
I've ben married for 10 years, the last 6 of which I have been emotionally and physcially (not sexually) abusive towards my wife and children. My wife has threatened to leave on many occasions. Each time after what I would call 'an explosion'
That is an incident of wither violence or a heavy argument.
Each time I manage to convince her to stay and each time our relatioship loses something.
Recently she decided to try a different tack and has started to speak to guys on the internet in the hope I would get mad and throw her out.

Unexpectedly this has forced me to face my owndemons for the first time and to go out and seek professional help for the abuse I've suffered.

However, as this is now heading into the areas of my marriage and recent history, I thought tat I would take a step back and invite some early advice on how I should proceed. I desperately want to get advice on how to deal with my present situation as it is up and down every day. I am going through very many different emotions at present and my wife is not being as supportive as I'd like her to be (Can you blame her)

I've joined this group in the hope that I can share my stories and discuss my issues with others who would understand. I have started seeing a Psychologist but he has told me that it will be a long road to recovery. I accept that and I'm hoping that this group will help me during my journey to recovery. What I really need is a place to 'get thing off my chest', so that my poor long suffering wife doesn't have to put up with it too much. I am desperately trying to rebuild my relationship (She thinks I'm trying too hard) and I feel that some things would be too much for her to have to listen to. She is aware of my childhood history and she's been urging me to seek help since we met (But I knew better).


I genuinely love my wife and I want to stop hurting her and abusing her. Plea help me to deal with what's in my head right now.

Any response would be greatly appreciated.


Zoran


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#264453 - 11/30/08 12:26 AM Re: Zoran needs help (and lot's of it) [Re: Zoran7]
Zoran7 Offline


Registered: 11/22/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Australia
I've spent the last four hours writing parts 2(Last 10 years) and 3(Last 4 weeks) of my Story. However, as the last two parts are not my survivor story but a chronicle of how I have self destructed my marriage and family, I'm not sure where to post. I have a story that wants to be heard so that I may never abuse my wife and children again.

In which forum and in what setting should i post it.
any comments would be appreciated

Zoran


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#264476 - 11/30/08 11:12 AM Re: Zoran needs help (and lot's of it) [Re: Zoran7]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5779
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
If you want some feedback from partners of survivors, you could post it here. They are asked not to post in the male survivors' section (though can post just about everywhere else).


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#264607 - 12/01/08 06:29 AM Re: Zoran needs help (and lot's of it) [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Zoran7 Offline


Registered: 11/22/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Australia
OK - Deep breath - I've been waiting to make sure that I am ready to do this - I will post the next part of my Bio here.



...part2...

Having put the past behind me (or so I thought) I then proceeded to rebuild my life.

I started to work towards a Pilot’s Licence, having had an interest in aviation from a very early age. I met several women and I dated them. None of them suited me. I then went onto a dating chat line and met my future wife. We dated for several months and she was perfect for me. She was a deeply caring person who was only 19 (I was just turning 24 when we started dating). I was so smitten by her caring towards me that I fell in love almost immediately. The feeling was mutual so I moved in with her (she was still living at home.

Things were great, we decided to move out together and as my mother had also met someone and had decided to sell the house and move in with him, my brother moved in with us.

Not long after getting our place, I met up with an old girlfriend from high school who told me that she was interested in both sexes now. During this time, I spent an evening at her place opening up to her about my sexual abuse history. I had a good cry on her shoulders and it felt good. A few weeks later my girlfriend and I went over for a visit. My ex-girlfriend brought up the idea of some ‘fun times’ with my girlfriend and perhaps myself. (She was only ever interested in my girlfriend). Nothing happened that night as she was living in a share-house and it was hard have anytime alone.
A couple of nights later, the ex came over to our house while my brother was out and within a very short time had not only seduced me (as if I needed any seducing), but also my girlfriend. I was swiftly forgotten about as they explored each other (To you the reader this may seem unnecessary but I am telling this for a reason.
I managed to get involved towards the end and have sex with my girlfriend.

A month or two later, my girlfriend told me she needed to see a gynaecologist as she was having cramps in her reproductive system. The tests showed that she had cysts in her ovaries. They had also found that she was PREGNANT
Oh fuck, I thought, I can’t deal with children, I’m not ready to be a father, a parent, what should I do.
I then proceeded to spend the next 4 weeks convincing my girlfriend that she HAD to get an abortion. (This was the second great mistake of my life. The first being not standing up to my father’s abuse) we had counselling sessions, tears, arguments, and we nearly broke up. But, as I was the stronger person emotionally, in the end she caved in.

Within a few months life was good again. (I keep coming back to this as I always manage to convince myself that life is good)
I proposed to her and she accepted. We had the engagement party, the wedding etc and all was well. (But the time-bomb was ticking)

We bought a block of land and started to build a house. Occasionally we had arguments etc but this was nothing to worry about. All couples fight (don’t they)
All wives get worked up so much that they pass out (don’t they)
Finally she fell pregnant and a lot of the underlying tension in our lives evaporated.
We moved into the house, the baby was born and life was GREAT!


Within two years problems started to arise.
She didn’t clean the house enough, she didn’t want to go back to work full time, and she didn’t give me enough sex. Around this time I developed a new basis for our relationship. I was the good guy and she didn’t understand me. She was the difficult one and I was trying to cope with her ‘problems’
(This is where it all started to go terribly ‘pear shaped’)

Then she fell pregnant again. This was a good thing as she had always wanted more than one child and I though it would help her to ‘get over things’.

When the 2nd baby was born, things really started to go downhill.
She was still working part time and raising two children under three. I gave her very little support, I changed nappies and did some washing but that was about it.
Our 2nd child was not an easy sleeper, or an easy feeder. I found it hard to look after the baby when it was my turn to look after her. Our son had been a pleasure to look after. Our daughter, however, was much tougher. I started to blame my wife because it must be her fault. I was just the dad, how could it be my fault.


Within a few months the nurse at the clinic had suspected something was wrong with our daughters development. She was in medical terms ‘failing to thrive’ Because she wasn’t getting the attention she needed from either myself or my wife.
My wife was referred to a specialist ‘Mother and baby’ unit within a major Hospital.

During this time I was starting to bed into what would become a classic routine of mine. Things would go great for a while until the tension started to rise within me. I would not be able to se it but my wife would. The pressure and anxiety and negative thoughts inside me would build until **BANG** I exploded onto those around me.

Not long after that she expressed a desire to kill the children – She was overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy and she didn’t know how to deal with them. (I hated her for this- How dare she not be in control – I was in control and look at what I’d had to deal with)

The authorities stepped in and removed the baby from us (This was particularly hard for me to bear – As a controlling person, I was having control taken from me)
I was angry that I had to spend time looking after children, I was angry that I had to spend time away from my job which was THE most important thing to me. (Family? Important? Why?)

In order to get out baby back, my wife had to submit to counselling so she could be trusted again. While our family was being evaluated, it came out that I had been sexually abused and that I’d been violent towards my wife. I then had to undergo
Anger management training and my wife and I were ordered to do couples counselling. This was good for both of us. (What I’ve only just realised is that I went into the whole process with the wrong idea. – I went into it with the premise that this was all my wife’s fault and I was having to deal with things that she had created – What I now realise is that the I caused her to have these issues because of my lack of support and abusive nature towards her.)

Having got our daughter back, completed the Anger Management course and gone to 7 or 8 sessions of couples counselling, I thought things were back to normal

Life was great (more of the same, I know)

Deep down, however, I had a new emotion to deal with. Hatred (No really an emotion, is it?) I hated ’the system’ for trying to take my children away and humiliating me in the process. I also developed an underlying resentment (which is just hatred on a very small flame) towards my wife for bringing all this into our family. Never once did I even think about the possibility that this was anyone’s fault but hers.

Fast forward the next 4 years or so and it’s all just endless repeats of the same old story. Though the violence and intimidation has died down somewhat, it has never really stopped.


…end of part 2…

I will wait a while before I post the last part --- Still feels pretty raw as it all recent history (Last 3 weeks basically).

Zoran


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