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#264200 - 11/28/08 01:15 PM Taion
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
I look into the mirror and can't associate.
Can't relate.
It feels... weird.
That's the word.

Weird.

It feels like I was born
after consuming many
many many many lives.

As if I was just what's left
of a human body that's expired
long time ago.
As if I was nothing more than
a bunch of animal bones thrown away -
together in a pile -
a pile of garbage that became a consolidated unit.

One that now... I honestly don't know
what kind of meaning has.
Maybe it has no significance at all.

I can't tell anymore.
I don't know if this who I am belongs to me
or if it was originally part of someone else.
I don't know. Can't tell.

No.

To tell the truth I understand quite well.

"Do you long to be loved?"

I'm just part of a skeleton.

"That's so lame."

A fragment of a broken mirror,
A human who became a contorted substance
after losing its heart.
I lost my heart, my soul, my will to live.
There's nothing here inside, you've stolen everything.

But if that's so...

...where does this pain come from?

"It hurts, doesn't it?"





Somebody answer me.








_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



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#264230 - 11/28/08 06:43 PM Re: Taion [Re: user2007]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Julian,

Yes, it hurts like hell. I wish there was a safer less painful way to make our way through to recovery, but I'm afraid no short-cut exists. I recognize so many of the problems and feelings you mention here. I don't know if it will help, but there were times I thought I must be nuts to put myself through all this for the sake of a "recovery" I really didn't yet believe in.

I also remember the feelings I had when I looked in a mirror - again very much like what you describe. But you know what? There came a day when I was looking into the bathroom one groggy morning and suddenly realized that it had been ages since I had hated what I saw. That was a special moment.

It really can be done, Julian. And to do it all you need are the resources you already have. Keep fighting. Stand tall. Be proud. Be you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#264375 - 11/29/08 05:07 PM Re: Taion [Re: roadrunner]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
Thanks for the support as always, Larry. I believe it can be done, I just can't see it yet. It seems so far right now. If feels like the walls are closing in and if I don't get a result pretty fast I'll certainly never get it. Seems as I uncounsciously gave myself an ultimate, a deadline.

Just like 'from this point on, if in ten days I don't get anywhere that means I never will'. Kinda like that. It's so horrible to walk with no results. Never, no results. It makes me feel a failure and I don't want that especially now that I've been through so much struggle.

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



Top
#264410 - 11/29/08 09:02 PM Re: Taion [Re: user2007]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Julian,

Yes, it does so often feel like it's as far away as ever, or even farther. I remember thinking in the early days of my therapy that is this is recovery I just wish the T would stop helping me so much!!!!

But progress can't be measured by comparing to where we were or how we felt ten days ago. So often I have been surprised by something that kind of sneaked up on me and I hadn't even noticed. An example: I was shaving one day and suddenly realized that it had been a long time since I had looked in the mirror and hated what I saw.

Have you ever wondered where the strength will come from for all you need to do? Just look at where the strength and courage are coming from right now - from Julian.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#264419 - 11/29/08 09:28 PM Re: Taion [Re: roadrunner]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi, Julian,

Yes, it does hurt very much, and sometimes it feels unbearable. But I do know this, which is that it does get better. There were times I would have thought someone insane for telling me I would ever feel different, but I know now that recovery does occur and we do get better. That's what I hope you hang onto, which is knowing that things will get better and that you will live like the man you were always meant to be - happy, hopeful, and worth so much to so many.

_________________________
Eddie

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