My name is Zoran, I am 36 years old and I am a survivor of Child Sexual Abuse, emotional abuse, violence, intimidation, etc.
My parents did not have what you would call a happy marriage.
From a very early age, I can only remember fighting, violence, beatings and anger.
We emigrated to Australia when I was 7 to 'start a new life'. Unfortunately, my parents also brought their relationship with them and things did not change. I have many memories of furniture being thrown. Cowering from my parents to escape beatings (Yes, they both meat me and my brother), etc.
I remember running away into the night when I was 8 as my father had beaten me, and I swore it would never happen again.
I remember my parents fighting and my mother trying to phone for help. My father used the Telephone cord to try and strangle my mother.
These stories and many others like them are what I carry around in my head.
From the age of 12, I had a new thread to follow. While my mother was overseas visiting the grave of her recently deceased father, my father decided that it was in my best interest to 'show me' all about sex. One night he invited me into his bed so I could read my book. While I was reading he decided to show me what Masturbation was all about. I FROZE! - What the fuck was going on here! This isn't what father's do to their sons! He was gentle and did not force anything, which is why I did nothing. The fact that it was pleasurable also didn't help.
Afterwards, he rolled over and went to sleep as if nothing had happened. I spent the next few days in a daze. I didn't know what was going on. We had very little family friends in this new country and I had no-one to turn to. I can't remember how I dealt with the guilt and fear, but I realise now that I started to build a protective wall emotionally around that part of me that was being abused.
The pattern of abuse was usually fairly consistent, over the next 9 years or so, he would visit me in my bed late at night and fondle me. It was never violent, there was never any penetration. (BUT I NEVER SAID NO!) Sometimes, he would invite me to fondle him; other times he would ask me if I wanted to watch porno videos with him. This would lead to some mutual masturbation or fellatio. It never went any further than that so I always thought that it was OK.
While not sexually abusing me he would continue to be his usual self. Intimidating my mother and us children, constantly going on about the money that HE was earning for us. Paying the children virtually no attention, No quality time was spent with us playing sports etc. The only time he interacted with us was to deal out punishments.
As I write this I am feeling a wall of emotion being held back by a lonely little boy who for many years has been afraid.
But we'll get to that later. I need to get this down for my own selfish reasons and I need to get it out in the order that it happened.
As I grew older and into my middle teens, I sought to understand what was being done to me. I spent hours at the local library from age 14-16 reading books on incest and sexual abuse. Sometimes I would find myself being aroused by the survivor stories I was reading and I would feel guilty. All the time I had one thought in my mind;
“This is OK; you're not sustaining any permanent damage.”
You're dealing with it and you're in control. I developed the ability to shut down my emotions in an instant if I felt threatened or out of control by them.
Academically I've always been a high achiever. I never had to try to get good marks, they just happened. I found that when I got to the end of high school and I actually had to study, that I had no motivation. I still managed a 74% average pass rate, I thought this was OK. I had developed an attitude of 'Only try as hard as you need to'
At the end of High School, we went back to the old country to visit family. I met a girl whom I liked, but as I had always been socially inept, nothing ever came of it.
A year after our return, I started to think about this girl. War had broken out in the Balkans (Where I'm from) and I thought it might be a good idea to offer this girl (Who was the daughter of one of my fathers ex workmates), a chance at a new life in Australia. When I first made the proposal to my parents and later to hers, it would only be for a residency visa so that she could come to Australia to study and find a better life.
Shortly after she got here (She was of course living with us),
We were married (This had to be done within 60 days a she was on a fiancée visa. Not long after that, I started to fall for her (When you're in the same house with another woman who has friends, relatives, etc you start to spend a lot of time together.)
We decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend at first and get to know each other better.
The sexual abuse had stopped in the meantime, (or so I thought)
I found out about 1 year into our relationship that my father had come into the bathroom (We all shared one) when my wife/girlfriend was coming out of the shower and fondled her breasts.
(She told my mother abut this (BRAVE GIRL!)
As soon as I found this out I was at first angry at her for not telling me. (This was the first time I had been violent (i.e. yelling, throwing something) with her. My brother and I had been fighting for years, but this was different.
That night I told my mother what had been going on for the past 9 years. I felt that I needed to do something as I had to protect those around me. (I found out the next day that my father had also recently tried abusing my brother who at 14 was a much stronger minded person than I had been at 12, and was able to tell him to eave him alone.)
The next day mum, my brother and I went down to the police station to make a statement. My father had decided that he had done 'nothing wrong' and as he was the only wage earner in the house, that couldn't move out so he was staying put.
It took a few days but he was eventually arrested and then would spend 6 months living in tiny unit (Apartment), while awaiting trial. He would eventually get 5 years and serve 3. I had not submitted a victim impact statement out of some misguided sense of loyalty towards him (What a mistake THAT turned out to be).
The Wife/girlfriend was so shocked by what had gone on that she fled back overseas never to be seen again. I had wanted to move out of home with her and start my adult life, but my mother was convinced that she didn’t love me and I was making a big mistake. She convinced us both that this was best for everyone and so we end the marriage and get on with our lives.
The court had allocated some funds in order for me to se a Psychologist to try and repair the damage. Unfortunately for me I started seeing the same Psychologist who had recently started to treat my father who had attempted suicide not long after being charged. This fact along with all of the 'self' help books I'd been reading managed to help me convince him (and myself) that I had recovered and that I was fine!
That brings me up to age 23/24
...end of part 1...
I need to have rest before I continue.