Newest Members
mojo, James M, FredM88, Vermona, Jas52
12111 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
chrisH (34), Malaki619 (32), worcester2003 (51)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 61 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12111 Members
73 Forums
62499 Topics
438053 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#263963 - 11/27/08 06:37 AM a question about siblings
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
what are the chances of a mother abusing just one of her four children?

SB



Edited by soapy bubbles (09/01/09 10:59 AM)

Top
#263966 - 11/27/08 07:24 AM Re: a question about siblings [Re: soapy bubbles]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


I don't know, but it seems it runs the gamut. In most families each sibling is sort of assigned a role -- the care-taker, the confidant, the one that will succeed, the outsider, etc...

So, sometimes, the one that will be abused.

I recently read a book by a woman who's brother was assigned to living in the attic, he wasn't abused, just sent into exile. She, on the other hand, could do no wrong, was provided a fabulous education, etc...

So I think it just depends on a log of factors: the parent's ability to practice some level of impulse control, so that they may "need" to abuse someone, they don't "need" to abuse everyone. Plus their need to project onto their children their own fantasies of being perfect.... and horribly bad. So they split their own feelings in a split way with the children. Plus who know what else.

My dad beat the crap out of my brothers, but not the girls. Guess he thought it was ok to hit boys, but internalized the notion that a boy shouldn't hit girls. Guess he forgot that adults shouldn't hit children.

K.


Top
#264081 - 11/27/08 07:50 PM Re: a question about siblings [Re: Kathryn]
deck Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/06
Posts: 109
Loc: Indiana
Kathryn is right. It is not uncommon for children in abusive/dysfunctional (especially highly dysfunctional) family enviroments to fall into roles. A lot of things can play into what roles they get assigned- gender, birth order, etc.


Top
#264085 - 11/27/08 07:59 PM Re: a question about siblings [Re: deck]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7819
I think one of the most famous examples of what you described is noted in the book called "A Child Called It" by David Pelzer. Like you described, he was singled out by his psychotic mother for particularly brutal abuse, while the other siblings were relatively unscathed in comparison. I'm sure it would be a good study in psychological behaviour to understand why this dynamic happens, but most assuredly it does. It could be for any number of "failings" in one particular child - for example, if one son is not athletic while the others are, or one is slow in school while the others are considered bright, etc. Unfortunately, the ability to breed does not bring with it the possession of good parenting skills.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#264089 - 11/27/08 08:14 PM Re: a question about siblings [Re: EGL]
Dusty Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia
yes its possable i read a book roles that children have in the family structure and in each family of more than one child there always is a favorite and a garbage can kid with the other children filling diferent roles. depending on how the family workes these positions vary in degree of intensity. The favorite can be petted the rest so-so, the garbage can kid can cop the lot and even more as if a parent crosses the line there is often no limit.
Dusty


Top
#264096 - 11/27/08 09:33 PM Re: a question about siblings [Re: Dusty Boy]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303



I'm not sure the unabused siblings come out relatively unscathed. Perhaps they carry different scars, but they're pretty deep.

Like suffering from survivor's guilt. I felt so guilty about my pain that I saw a psyhchologist for about 8 months, twice a week, and literally couldn't say a word. 45 minutes of silence. What a twit.

And it's not as though if a parent is able to really abused one child physically or sexually, they're nevertheless able to let the other children be themselves, find their own idiom for living.

Plus you just sort of live with a situation in which you see your parent could actually kill one of the children. So you live in terror.

And then there's the whole exagerated rescue fantasies....

Blah, blah, blah....

And then I remember what someone wrote about how we can wear our wounds like battle scars, but shy away from showing a pimple.

There's different ways of reading this, we can show the obviouse, big scars, but feel guilty about showing what others may thing is small.

Or.... It's easy to show our scars, and once that's done, it's time to express our pimples, ie, our more vulnerable selves.... We put makeup on our pimples to visit our psychologist..... the next step is to go with no makeup. Probably the more difficult task because even those with no big scars may never express their pimples.

K.

K.


Top
#264099 - 11/27/08 09:45 PM Re: a question about siblings [Re: Kathryn]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7819
Very good points, Kathryn. The survivor's guilt of a child who witnesses his sibling getting the brunt of the parent's abuse must be unbearable. Wondering if they are actually going to kill your sibling. And the inevitable question which forms in the mind of what if they do kill them - who's next to assume the "whipping boy" position in the family? Me?

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#264109 - 11/27/08 10:30 PM Re: a question about siblings [Re: EGL]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3354
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
I dunno... and I hate to even say this... but... it was a bit diffrent for my brother I think... he was very much more than happy to see mom take out her anger on me at times - sometimes he framed me - other times he forced me to take the blame for things he had done himself

I guess it's a matter of the personality of the sibling as to how they feel about the other being abused

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

Top
#264127 - 11/28/08 12:28 AM Re: a question about siblings [Re: TJ jeff]
ptb Offline


Registered: 11/16/08
Posts: 13
Loc: NJ
In my family I became damaged goods because of a childhood accident. My sisters found i was an easy target and an even easier target. No matter what happened it was easy to get the blame placed on me. This went on well into adulthood with my youngest sister blaming me for her own CSA probably at the hands of my dadbuser. I guess blaming daddy is hard but blaming Bart was always easy. It's how she was programmed.

_________________________
So what becomes of all the little boys,
Who run away from home,
Well the world just keeps gettin' bigger,
Once you get out on your own,
So here's to all the little boys,
The sandman takes you where,
You'll be sleepin' with a pillowman,
On the nickel over there.
Waits

Top
#264150 - 11/28/08 08:12 AM Re: a question about siblings [Re: ptb]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


Guess that's what I mean though.... whether we identify with the victim or the abuser, we're all twisted.

And it's not as though those identifications are exclussive, just which one we latch onto to defend against it's opposite....

When innocence is lost, there's rarely a pure victim, or pure abuser, just depends on which aspect of ourselves we most identify with, are most comfortable with.

That's the tragedy of the Holocaust: How it produced in one person both the ability to be a hero, and the ability to steal the other guy's soup.... Or to give the other guy your soup, but wish like hell you could send him in your place when you're walking towards the shower.

K.


Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.