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#26351 - 10/20/03 11:34 AM What I need from my spouse/partner
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Bob suggested this thread in one of his replies to Sinking's thread.

I'm not up to it all by myself, guys. I still have sessions for couples' therapy because I still need them, but I'm sure that together we can produce something worthwhile.


What I need from my spouse/partner

I need you to listen. I often need you to refrain from solving the problem and just listen.

I need you to believe me. I may not have my memories clear and precise, but they are real to me.

I need you to see good in me, and say so. There are times when I feel lower than low, and I respect your views more than anyone else's. Your words can lift me up like no one else's can.

I need you to trust me. Your trust in me gives me something worthwhile to treasure, defend, and nurture.

I need your patience, because there are times when I don't have enough of my own to get through this!

I need to feel that I'm good for you, that I'm not just a burden or an object of pity. Let me be nice to you.


Jump in and help, please.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#26352 - 10/20/03 12:06 PM Re: What I need from my spouse/partner
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Great Thread!!!!!!!

I need you to remember that sometimes I have no clue what I need.

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#26353 - 10/20/03 07:33 PM Re: What I need from my spouse/partner
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Joe,
Your first point that you just need someone to listen and not try to solve the problems... oh,,, that is one that I struggle with. While part of me wants to take the pain away or make things better or help my partner, I know that sometimes all he needs is someone to listen. I constantly have to remind myself of this and I think I am learning more how to keep this balance. But my first instinct is to problem solve and give suggestions.

Thanks for reminding of this

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#26354 - 10/20/03 07:35 PM Re: What I need from my spouse/partner
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:

What I need from my spouse/partner
I need someone to cook my food, or I'd starve.

Someone to wash my clothes, or I'd look like a tramp.

Someone to tell me where to be and when, or I'd be somewhere else - and late.

I need someone to follow me around picking up books, clothes, cd's and all the other stuff I use and put down anywhere.

But what I've got is someone who lets me sit at the kitchen table and talk when she cooks, and she loves to cook.

Someone who makes me sort my washing, and make sure all the socks are in pairs.

Someone who reminds me to check my diary.

And someone who says "Hey, move that !"

So, I'm now a much smarter, tidier and more sociable person than I was. ( Although I have to say that it isn't hard to be better than I was )

But that's what I've got, and what I want, someone who cares enough to help me get better, whether it's odd socks or acting out, making a mess or being a mess, she cares enough to deal with me, help me and accept me.

How lucky am I ?

Dont ask !!

Dave \:D

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#26355 - 10/20/03 09:37 PM Re: What I need from my spouse/partner
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Quote:
What I need from my spouse/partner
First I need to have a spouse/partner, but the list is valid for the future Mrs. Bill_1965

I need you to listen, quietly without interupting.
I need you to not ridicule me for what has happened to me in the past.
I need you to understand that this happened to me.
I need you to love me for who I am.
I need you to bring me back when I start to drift away in the memories and feelings.
I need you to not use my fears and pains against me.
I need you to be strong when I am weak.
I need you to remind me who I am when I forget.
I need you to care for me when I can't care for myself.
I need you to be honest with me.
I need you to be trustful.
I need you to keep me on the right path.
I need you to remember what you like about me, when I am not so likable.
I need you to not exploit my love for you.
I need you to not exploit my trust for you.
I need you to be my best friend.
I need you to be my love.
I need you to not doubt my love for you, when I am feeling the pain.
I need you to remind me to eat, when I'm hungry.
I need you to help me sleep, when I'm tired.
I need you to give me a hug when I need one.
I need you to give me a smile when I don't have one.
I need you to motivate me when I am lazy.
I need you to let me rest when I am tired.
I need you to let me be me.
I need you to be you.
I need us to be us.
I need you to give me space when I need it.
I need you to keep me from hiding from life.
I need you to know the difference.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#26356 - 10/21/03 04:57 PM Re: What I need from my spouse/partner
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
If only our significant others knew just how much they are needed. Maybe these thoughts can be shared with them at some point. I also think that if those who have already posted here (and those about to) go back and read over their list, they will see that they are speaking to themselves as well as their partners.

- I need you to recognize my vulnerability.
- I need you to accept my weaknesses.
- I need you to let me be weak, sometimes.
- I need you to understand that you can never know how much this hurts. I'm not being melodramatic.
- I need you to know that I wouldn't have made it this far without you in my life.
- I need you to continue to be there.
- I need your patience.
- I need you to listen with a sympathetic ear.
- I need you to never doubt or question what I tell you about my abuse. I didn't want it to begin with. I sure as hell am not making it sound worse than it was simply for effect.
- I need your reassuring hugs.
- I need you to hold me when I cry, something neither of us is accustomed to seeing.
- I need you. I Love You, to there and back.


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#26357 - 10/21/03 09:32 PM Re: What I need from my spouse/partner
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
All,

It seems like the bottom line is;

I need you ... .

I wonder, if I think they need to know that.

Peace.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#26358 - 10/21/03 11:34 PM Re: What I need from my spouse/partner
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Well said Freedom.

I need you.

I love you.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you

I want to share life with you.

I want to be whole a strong for you.

You are my rock

You are my best friend

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#26359 - 10/22/03 11:03 AM Re: What I need from my spouse/partner
darp123 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 15
Loc: Maryland
Everyone,
Thank you for the insights. Your posts will help me support my husband through this. It's really hard sometimes to know what to do even though I do most of the suggestions already.
Thanks again,
Darp123


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#26360 - 10/23/03 07:12 AM Re: What I need from my spouse/partner
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
I need to hear just once, I am sorry for what you went through
I am here for you no matter what
I said as you did for better or worse and I mean it
I am stronger because through this crisis, I too found myself
I appreciate what you have done
I am sorry for the situation we are in
I love you no matter what
I miss you
I miss your companionship
I can forgive
I too gave cause not to trust
I too made mistakes in this marriage
I should have told you that I love you more often
I want to try to make it together, we can make it work
I understand more about what abuse is all about
I could have hugged you more
I was wrong in assuming you knew my needs

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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