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#263426 - 11/23/08 02:07 PM Beyond Porn
sb48 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/26/06
Posts: 5
Loc: Ohio
I struggle with porn. I have since collage. I was sexually abused by my mother. I was impotent until I used porn to bulldozed through. I fantasied my way to orgasm. But I have never known anything else. I am married now to a very loving wife. She is my best friend. (But she has a history of her own that she struggles with) I want a different sexual experience now. I see a therapist who tells me about sexual intimacy and that it is possible. I want to move away from porn and the quest for orgasm and find something deeper. I had no role models for this. My parents hated each other but would still fuck each other. I don't find examples of intimate sex in our society. I see people who seem intimate and happy but it is like a kept secret. We can learn all we want about pron but not healthy sex.

My wife and I stopped having sex. We felt uncomfortable with our hardcore sexual experiences and now we have fear taking the next step. I find it very difficult to give up porn when there is nothing to replace it. It's like stepping off a cliff not knowing if anything is there. It has been a crutch for so long. I am stuck in this endless loop. I can give it up for a while and then like a skip in a record I revert back to old habits.

I have hope that there is much more out there. I hope someday I uncover this well kept secret of intimate loving sex and it draws me in instead of porn.


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#263446 - 11/23/08 04:13 PM Re: Beyond Porn [Re: sb48]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Sounds like you might benefit from a certified sex therapy counselor. They are listed in an organization called AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Counselors and Therapists). You can find someone near you on their home page:
http://www.aasect.org/default.asp

No sense giving up what you have if it can be improved.


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#263447 - 11/23/08 04:17 PM Re: Beyond Porn [Re: sb48]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hey sb48 i see you have not been around for a while. did you know that just recently the site started a new forum called survivors of female abuse?

there may not be anything right there at the moment about this particular topic, since it is a newer forum, but this topic might be great over there, since you are dealing with issues specifically related to abuse by your mother.

also, in the past several months there have been good general discussions about porn, but to my memory they don't specifically address enhancing the qualities of sexual relations in partnerships. but you can check them out and see if you find any inspiration there.

one

two

three

four

five

six

seven

eight

there are some to start with, but you can so a search for some other topics if you like.

good luck,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#263460 - 11/23/08 04:58 PM Re: Beyond Porn [Re: Sans Logos]
Stretch73 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/08
Posts: 336
Loc: Sea Isle City, NJ
I'm not a big fan of porn. When I see it, I always wish I was involved in the situation which it depicts, so I'd rather not look at it, because I know I'll never have that really hot guy. LOL Other than that, I don't really have much of a problem with porn, unless it's not depicting adult of course!

Chad likes his porn. He has a nice collection, and I'm very okay with that. I know he finds me more attracted than the porn and I don't believe it has ever affected our sexual relationship. However, I am not giving advice and making it out to seem like porn is a "good thing." If it's affecting sexual and emotional balance in your life, with the person you love, than obviously it's a problem. I don't get the "hardcore" thing either, but that's just me. I happen to enjoy nice "softcore" romantic sex. smile

I, personally, believe it comes down to who or what you think is more important. Would you trade you wife for the porn, or the porn for your wife?

Think about it!

Rich

_________________________
"I was so poor growing up, that if I wasn't born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with." Rodney Dangerfield

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#263487 - 11/23/08 07:16 PM Re: Beyond Porn [Re: sb48]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
I can only reiterate what Ken has already put so well and to strongly urge to explore the possibilty. The role of the sex therapist is not so much to help you have better sex (oh, the media and it's lies) as much as it is to help individuals and couples explore what it is that is hampering healthy sexual expression and to discover ways of letting go of hurtfull practises and habits by REPLACING them with new and valadating ones.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#263493 - 11/23/08 08:38 PM Re: Beyond Porn [Re: joelRT]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
A sex councelor sounds like a great idea...!!!

Not a substitue, but to add to that, I liked everything Barry and Emily McCarthy have written on the subject.

My T mentioned a book called, "Concious Loving", (Have yet to research or check out) just another idea.


You're all I need (White Lion)

island

P.S. *Thumbs up* on sensuous massages with my partner...!!!



Edited by 1islandboy (11/23/08 08:46 PM)
Edit Reason: added the p.s.
_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#263563 - 11/24/08 08:22 AM Re: Beyond Porn [Re: sb48]
ceegee Offline


Registered: 11/14/08
Posts: 21
Loc: WV, USA
I used to use porn also until I got married. It was an obsession with me. When I married, I gave it up and we had a normal sexual relationship. But, somewhere along the line we stopped having sex. I am the one who doesn't want it. It hurts and confuses my wife even though she knows of my abuse. And recently some of my memories of the abuse came back, and again I feel myself drawn to porn. I don't understand it either.

_________________________
Sometimes we need to pause in our pursuit of happiness, and just BE happy- Author unknown

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#263759 - 11/25/08 10:43 PM Re: Beyond Porn [Re: ceegee]
G5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 203
Loc: New Jersey
Struggle with it also. Actually brought the topic up with my T after ten years. I was quite embarrassed by it. I have been using it in a way as a fill in for a relationship.
I won't get hurt (or hurt them) in the way I have in the past. I satisfy my needs and I can explore some of my desires. At least that's what I thought.
The sexual release for me is anxiety driven......fear, desire, anger....whatever. One of the ways I could release this energy was through porn, because I couldn't and wouldn't allow any real relationship in my life. I could pursue anything I wanted sex wise through internet porn.....without hurting anyone...except myself.
I found that through my regular friendships with women could sort of satisfy my cognitive side....talks and the like. But I had almost become asexual around them, and some were confused....as was I.
Porn is not real. It's not a substitute for a relationship. It's not a place to hide and act out issues. Relying on it for me confused things and alienated me from the 'real' world and people around myself.
Part of my need for sex was the desire to 'prove' to myself and others that I wasn't what had been done to me and what I was made to do. It's almost like I was trying to 'right' a wrong with sex. I'm also very confused with intimacy. I have trouble dating because of this....because at some point sex will become involved....and I'll attach myself to her. Then she'll eventually become less and less satisfied with me (in my mind) and I'll begin to hide....shutting her out, stopping sexual intimacy with her.....and head back to porn for the release and self inflicted suffering. I shut down all my desires when it came to real life, but they could only be quelled so much and the desire was there but suppressed.....porn then became the sexual outlet and then almost an obsession.

Hmmm....the counselor idea is sounding like a good idea too.

This is one of the toughest things about my recovery...the intimacy and differentiating it with sex and anxiety......this part is really confusing.
But I'm working through it and someday.....

Chris
Kirkridge WoR '08

_________________________
WoR Kirkridge '08
WoR Alta Advanced '09
International Conference '10, '12
Oprah 200
PA Support Group
WoR Alta Advanced '12
"Silence Buster"

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#263761 - 11/25/08 11:34 PM Re: Beyond Porn [Re: G5]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Originally Posted By: G5
I have been using it in a way as a fill in for a relationship......I won't get hurt (or hurt them) in the way I have in the past. I satisfy my needs and I can explore some of my desires. At least that's what I thought.
The sexual release for me is anxiety driven......fear, desire, anger....whatever. One of the ways I could release this energy was through porn, because I couldn't and wouldn't allow any real relationship in my life.


This is me in a nutshell! I have SPD (social phobia disorder), and I virtually live the life of a shut-in. I go out only when absolutely necessary to run errands - and then get my ass home as quickly as possible. This is not a life! I have no social network and truly only two 3D friends. I go for days and days without seeing or speeking to another living, breathing person.

Porn for me is a very pale substitute for a genuine relationship - but for now, at least, it helps fill the gap somewhat and makes feel just alittle like I'm not connected to life.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#263771 - 11/26/08 01:04 AM . [Re: joelRT]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 06:50 PM)

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#263783 - 11/26/08 02:14 AM Re: Beyond Porn [Re: bardo213]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1977
I just wanted to add that I know I have used porn in the past as a means of substituting the intimacy I have been unable to create in real life. I have my reasons for this, and I am determined to explore them and work through them. As a kid I always had this sense of an emotional longing towards girls/women, but my situation and my life has made it so hard to let anyone in. So I can see how porn filled that void on some level.

I am not going to judge anyone's use of porn, but I did a lot of thinking about the matter based on some previous posts on this site and I decided to try and avoid it as best I can. So far it has gone well and hopefully I can keep it up. I want the real intimacy in my life that I long for internally. I seem to sense (hopefully I am not delusional in regards to the matter) that there are women that show interest in me, ones that I wouldn't mind getting to know better. But too much crap in my life has made it so I can not let any of them in. I want to overcome this, because this issue is one of the biggest sources of pain for me. For me, porn probably wouldn't help in the matter of trying to deal with all this. I think it was more just an escape and an attempt to fill that void in my life.

Eric


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#263794 - 11/26/08 08:37 AM Re: Beyond Porn [Re: sb48]
mapleleafsn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/08
Posts: 131
Loc: Eastern Canada
Hi sb48
I'm new to this as recovery and can surely identify with your struggle. I've been obsessed with porn for years and never really understood why. I've just started counselling for abuses from an uncle that happened when I was 6 and by my mother until my early teens. I'm on my second marriage to a wonderful and very understanding woman. In the last year we have been having extreme difficulty with our relationship due to my problems and fear of intimacy.

With the help of counselling and a strong determination of my own to rid myself of these distorted views and ideas around my own sexuality and intimacy, I have hope of not letting this marriage crumble like the first one. I know that it will be challenging and somewhat scary as I walk into unknown territory, but the pain of remaining where I am is finally greater than the pain of change.

I wish to thank the people that have started this site. I have been reading some of the posts and feel that I am nolonger alone with my history. I have ordered the book
Victims No Longer and anxiously await it's arrival.

I wish all the safety and security for you and I as we journey to a greater sense of self and identity.




Edited by mapleleafsn (11/26/08 08:56 AM)
Edit Reason: clerical
_________________________
When the pain of remaining the same finally outweighs the pain of change---things will begin.... life is meant to be enjoyed not endured.

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#265421 - 12/05/08 02:17 PM Re: Beyond Porn [Re: bardo213]
sb48 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/26/06
Posts: 5
Loc: Ohio
Thanks for all the great input. It’s the aftermath of the abuse that is such a struggle still today many years after I left my perp. And after reading the other posts I see I am not alone in trying to re claim a healthy sexuality. Porn makes me feel less attracted to my wife. Every time I act out by watching porn I initially feel numb, then I feel worse about myself. I don’t even have to watch it. I have unhealthy fantasies in my head that are even harder to avoid. I want to feel good about sex. I want sex to make me feel closer to my wife. I want to stay present with her. Not run old fantasies or images from the past.

Right now she is dealing with an abusive history of her own. We talk often and both want a safe and loving sex life with each other but are confused on how to achieve it. Once, when I was cuddling and staying present with her I felt aroused. She got scared, confused and starting crying. It opened up another page of her abuse which she is working on with her therapist but again, we do not have sex right now.

As for me, it is hard to pull away from porn when I have nothing to replace it. That includes porn that is in my mind. I try to fantasies about my wife but if is not as intense as the porn.

I hope my wife and I can start slowly someday. I guess we have started with what I described but I am impatient for something new. In the mean time I struggle with these old fantasies and porn. I am addicted to it somewhat. I pull away and sober up but eventually porn and old habits call me back.


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#265516 - 12/05/08 11:26 PM Re: Beyond Porn [Re: sb48]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
I feel you are on the right track with your wife, by being present and all..it is a slow process and requires a lot of patience on the part of the person who has less urgent healing needs in the moment. Slow is the way, as always to make it lasting!

Now for the porn, it is really about role-playing and also safe-sex as someone rightly point out earlier, so first step really would be to take away the power of porn over you, for me it happened strangely when I started becoming aware while watching porn, as in I started observing myself observing porn without judgment or guilt tripping myself, soon I could understand what was it that I really wanted and got through porn personally, notion that I am powerful too, through role playing, as it was triggered each time I felt powerless in life, so it is really wasn't my problem than the problem of the powerless part of me, that only knew this way so far to feel powerful and loved once again, so my challenge was to be more present rather mindful in the moment and embrace that vulnerable part of me!

What really spoiled porn for me was one day I found that someone I used to fantasize about, died! and eww...it became ugly. Next I started to think of all the people I am exploiting, just because I want to feel powerful, by having them do things for me! I think of their life stories, and how they fell into prostituting their bodies just to make a living or to feel powerful in the moment, what would happen to them later, and what about their Spirit? That stunned me, I am exploiting them, when I am myself trying to recover from my own exploitation in the past, so am I recovering or merely continuing the cycle? This ruined it for me, as could see them, as mere bodies, which I could see turning into bones and ashes in front of me...and then I realised that one day I would have confront their souls...how I used them to get over my own powerless, rather than healing it through other means... I also imagined their powerlessness, for once! I connected with them as human being rather than just flesh, perhaps I also saw myself and my approach towards sex was merely bodily, not much soul in it, was there?

What if I managed to give someone my loving presence? Physical intimacy is later thing, and becomes redundant if can manage to make another feel loved, through my actions, sometimes a simple gesture or even a look of love... it is a long journey to take love to the dimension of the spirit and experience it there, and then allow it come to the physical level. But for that I needed to experience my own presence first, be my own lover as it were, love myself completely and unconditionally, as only when I can love my completely can I ever hope to share that love with another soul!

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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