I wish that I could be angry, but who should I be angry at? All I have left of my abuser are vague images and feelings. He is nameless and faceless, a boy who passed through and left me torn and broken. For years I was angry at myself, perhaps it was because I was the only one left to be angry with. I donít know if I have forgiven anyone. There comes a point where you just have to cut it all loose, because carrying it becomes too much. I guess I am lucky that way, because I donít have a specific person to be angry with. For me it has been more a struggle to forgive myself, and to feel worthy and whole again.
Religion is both a blessing and curse in all of this. From the time I was young, turning the other cheek and forgiving was drilled in as moral Christian virtues. When I failed to meet those ideals that I had accepted as fact, my esteem crashed. I hated myself as much because I had failed what I saw as right, as for my poor judgment, passive compliance, or the one who abused me. Yet, I cannot imagine trying to recover without my faith to guide me. I canít imaging what it would be like to think this world was it, and that there was no higher reason for suffering through the pain and healing. Faith gives me the power to live and to overcome. I know that there will be justice in the end. I know that the victory is mine. I know that suffering and failures come as a test, a way of tempering me into a better man. I know that in the end, I am better for having overcome what happened.
I have heard that forgiving is something we do for ourselves, not for those that committed the sin against us. There is where the truth lies. A person will never be happy when they are filled with hate and resentments. Forgiving allows you to put the past in the past, and to move on with life. I donít think that is possible when you hate your past. The hate keeps dragging you back to the days when you developed those feelings. Whether you label forgiveness or something else, cutting it loose, and moving on is what is important.
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein