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#263158 - 11/22/08 01:26 PM 'the things i can and cannot change'
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
i've noticed recently that all through my recovery i've heard and read much about 'boundaries', 'boundary issues', 'lack of boundaries', 'in/appropriate boundaries' etc.

but lately, i've been thinking more about limitations, not so much in the sense that they are related to boundaries, but in the sense that they are not related to boundaries. that the idea itself has a different shade of meaning for me.

not to seem sacraligious to the guys and gals who worship at the feet of st. bill w, [ah c'mon it's joke...poke-poke] but i guess if i rewrote the serenity prayer, it might say:

grant me the serenity to accept my limitations,
the courage to create boundaries,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

what i mean is mostly acceptance of the limitations of myself, and those of others. i'm speaking less specifically of acceptance, and moreso pointing to the notion that the idea of limitations can be further unpacked.

in light of the most recent realizations i've had stemming from the pondering of shame, questions have come up for me about how i managed to miss recognizing the value of understanding my own limitations.

for instance, having constructed a life out of the substance of having being born and bred in the odeur of toxic shame, it occurs to me, that i missed noticing my own limitation because i bought into the solution that i could be anything that i wanted to be if i wanted it bad enough.

with that thought as primary motivation, i proceeded to to invest tons of money time and psychic energy into constructing a person that, miles down the road of recovery, was a person i truly was not created to be.

in other words, i did not have the form and substance in my psychic dna to become that end result that i targeted for myself.

sure, i created boundaries for myself, and honored those of others, but i failed to recognize that the world of possibility was not infinite. being so overfocused on my own goals, i missed a lot of opportunity along the way to smell the roses of empathy and compassion, since i had turned all of my life into an opportunity for proving that i was just 'as good as the next guy'.

unfortunately, i had quantity all mixed up with quality, and uniqueness confused with specialness.

well i am at a crossroads now that enough light has escaped inward to reveal this little nugget of truth, and i find myself wondering in my new recovery era of honoring limitations, learning at any given moment to be satisfied with my allotted portion: where do i go from here?

i certainly don't think i have solved the riddle of my limitations, and i don't think that that could happen as long as i get up every morning and immediately go into robotic mode.

robotic mode for me is waking up, turning on the computer getting a cuppa joe and hanging out on the web. this is beginning to feel like a trap, a limitation of sorts, but one that i have the power to remove.

i wonder if i have the courage.......

as i was thinking about all of this, i thought it would be interesting to make a commitment to spend a day, say a 24 hour period, not engaging in any type of computer or tv activity.

is that a scary thought or what?

if i did that, i would have to do something else instead, or not do anything else instead.

i don't know how to live outside my routine. i mean i know i could but i fear trying.

i know this is a lot to absorb, and wouldn't blame you if you didn't get this far, but if you did, any thoughts or suggestions?

thanks guys!

an inquiring ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#263164 - 11/22/08 02:08 PM Re: 'the things i can and cannot change' [Re: Sans Logos]
theraven Offline


Registered: 11/08/08
Posts: 34
Loc: US of A
My suggestion to you would be what my wife's suggestion to me was:
Start in smaller steps then a 24 hour period.
Maybe just the morning and then at noon (or whatever time) you give yourself permission to go back to the safety of your routine.
Try it again the next day, or if you want, wait a day or two.
In terms of WHAT to do, that's a whole other ball of wax. For me that caused (causes)the majority of my anxiety.
I had a list of things that I wanted to do, but what if I started one and I didn't like it, or it caused anxiety or...any possible number of unpleasant results.
In the end, just heading out into nature somewhere and walking around and taking it all in was the best thing for me. No pressure, no expectations, just beautiful nature.
It's a start and I know it will lead somewhere.
I already feel more brave.

I don't know if this helps. But I wish you luck in what you decide is right for you.


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#263219 - 11/22/08 05:52 PM Re: 'the things i can and cannot change' [Re: theraven]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Ron,

I think alot of people set a path for themselves with a certain goal in mind of who they hope to become. Only to find out later that life or ("God" if you believe in one) has had a totally different set of plans for who you will be and what you will do..
I believe that absoluty everything that happens to us(good or bad) was meant to shape us into the person that we are today.And are still in the process of happening as we breath.
What we have to learn to do today is to accept and love ourselves as He loves us. To be the man that He create us to be and not the one we wish we were.

Alot of the shame we feel today is from not doing this and still trying to be that man that others taught us that we were supposed to be.
So who is really shaming us today?
Is it not ourselves?

Were we not created as unique individuals each of us with our own set of strenghts and weaknesses?
Who are we to second guess God's(as we understand him to be)
handiwork.

As for change in routine, I think when it is time for you to make some changes you will know it. But I feel you have alot more to offer us here at M/S with your knowledge and experiences. You and others on this site are helping me to gain more insight into who I was and who I am becoming.
But only you can decide what is right for you.

Your Friend,

Mike

PS-Bill Wilson only claims was that he was an alcoholic.
That there was a God and he was not him.


_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#263254 - 11/22/08 07:35 PM Re: 'the things i can and cannot change' [Re: Sans Logos]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Ron! Wow! This post really spoke to me. It's like you and I are of one mind only yours actually works! laugh

I really agree about the b all u can b. It's actually a way to never really b anything bcuz really being means being HERE instead of off in the limbo of robotic mode and robotic mode is all we ever learn in the pursuit of being all we can b.

Cuz b all you can b is never about now. It's always about someday! That wonderful day when you are all you can b (but sadly can't enjoy it because you have only learned to be something but have not learned just to b.

But learning to just b means exactly what you are talking about: accepting our limitations. Accepting that we may never be all that we hoped or dreamed to be because if we don't accept that, then there is no time for living. There is only time for preparing to live.


It's almost like we have prepared our whole lives for a great dance: we have exercised, studied about dancing, set up the stage learned all the music and done everything necessary to create a jaw dropping show..all except for the learning how to dance part.

So when the curtain is pulled and everything is prepared, we find to our chagrin that instead of dancing we kind of stand awkwardly around for a few minutes and then go about the business of doing the only thing we now know to do..which is prepare for the big dance!

Some people come to this realization on a long awaited vacation and realize that now that it's time for them to enjoy themselves they haven't the slightest idea how.



_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#263271 - 11/22/08 08:55 PM Re: 'the things i can and cannot change' [Re: blueshift]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
many thanks to each of you for your thoughtful replies. i hear you all loud and clear :-)

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#263276 - 11/22/08 09:15 PM Re: 'the things i can and cannot change' [Re: blueshift]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
Sans,

On pg.71 of the 12x12 it says, "When we seemed to be succeeding,we drank to dream still greater dreams. When we were frustrated,even in part, we drank for oblivion."

Which leads me to the subject of humility and acceptance. Both of which are lengthy subjects for the friends of Bill..

This all points to the perspective of what "my reality" and "my truth" are.

I believe you are applying the serenity prayer, with different verbage.

Words and concepts mean nothing to me, if I don't try to apply it to my daily living.

I say bucket, You say pail..??? Cool On You!!! For the changing/working it your way...though...I think that's the point...!!!


As for the topic on courage and fear involving computer usage patterns, leads to the subject of balance.

I have a compulsive personality... and totally understand.

If it smells, feels and tastes good, I just want more...!!!


island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#263548 - 11/23/08 11:21 PM Re: 'the things i can and cannot change' [Re: 1islandboy]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1960
Yeah, what did we do before the current internet and computer era (this phase started really only around 1995)?? Seriously, it is funny to think about that (for me at least; as I kid I had an apple with a 300 baud then 1200 baud modem I would connect to BBSes with, but that was totally different than the current internet. not only that, I think I was addicted then and have sometimes wondered about this). It is kind of like the decade of the 1950s where only about 10% of households had television sets at the start of the decade but it was like 90% at the end.

Anyway, I should probably turn this thing off myself and read a book. Sometimes it is hard though. I agree with the nature thing; I find a lot of peace and serenity being outside and in nature (even if it is urban type nature). I agree also that sometimes we need to take things in steps when it comes to changing habits or changing routines. Whatever works I suppose as long as it is not harmful.

Eric



Edited by ericc (11/23/08 11:57 PM)

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#263579 - 11/24/08 11:00 AM Re: 'the things i can and cannot change' [Re: ericc]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
this stuff has sat in my craw this weekend. and i came to the realization that the use of the computer and tv is not an issue in itself.

it's only when it is used obsessively or compulsively.

well, i've thought about it and talked about it with others, and realize that it's not the issue i am making it out to be.

i seem to have this tendency to make issues out of everything! these tapes play relentlessly! i have a couple beers and it's.... 'OMFG! i'm alcoholic! i should be using this time constructively and here i am just drinking the hours away'. or i spend time on the computer [usually while doing other things that pertain to work] and it's 'i'm addicted to the internet! oh no! i gotta control this situation or it might control me!!!'

meanwhile when i step back, i realize that i have a very good balance between work and leisure activites. it just so happens that surfing the net is just filler. sure, i need to examine the choices and often times need to exercis other options when bored. but even realizing that gives me the power to do so!

my own need for drama and the tendency to keep stoking the fires of the inner voices that continually cause me to judge and berate myself as useless, flawed and headed for 'hell in a handbasket', seem to be stuck to my shoe like gum.

the fact is, i have a very well balanced life, and sure, it would more than likely benefit me to spend less engaging in on-screen activities, but i have to stop judging these things as inherently 'evil'.

after all, technology is a gift! is has given many people a means of employing their natural given talents. it is helping expand our economy [but that does not necessarily follow that we have been good stewards of it]....i'm just saying, i gotta stop demonizing.

and it has to begin with me.

now THAT, i CAN change.

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top


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