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#262928 - 11/20/08 07:25 PM Feelings for my perp
sportinrucks Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 422
Loc: Louisiana
Im starting to feel like my perp was the right one like he has to be doin something right for he is married and has kids and im struggling to get by I start to feel like hes doing something right and Im the wrong person.


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#263032 - 11/21/08 05:13 PM Re: Feelings for my perp [Re: sportinrucks]
Dusty Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia
I wonder?,Perps are bullies or liars and manipulators. Any abuse is an act of power that stems from being out of control.
I am often out of control but even then when I look at a child I donít see a sexual object or a punching bag. I see people that I am attracted to however to force or coerce them to my will would not be a victory.

I think to live like that would be worse than what I have endured in my life (SA from birth to aged 45). Most perps are victims yet few survivors become perps.
Hang in there, itís a rough ride.
Dusty


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#263038 - 11/21/08 06:59 PM Re: Feelings for my perp [Re: Dusty Boy]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Alex,


I don't know...but I would imagine it just takes a huge amount of rationalization to be a sexual predator. Even more to do it again and again. It does not take a lot of courage or much strength to manipulate a child...

Someone once told me, at a time I really needed to hear it, that,

"When he did what he did to you he felt no shame so, you took it on. It is time to give it back. To put it squarely where it belongs."

You are not wrong, Alex...


:-)


Dave

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02/07/09

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#263090 - 11/22/08 04:16 AM Re: Feelings for my perp [Re: ttoon]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
I certainly understand that frustration when you see the perp appearing to do well and as you said, you feel like youíre the one who has all the struggles.

As someone whoís working through their recovery you are doing something good. Youíre becoming a better person every day by the growth that you are making. Heís probably not doing anything about facing up to his issues, and of course being a perp he has many.

Outward appearances can be deceiving. I know that my perp brother seems to have it all together but just lately Iíve heard through my mom how his kids donít have much to do with him (gee, I wonder why?). Theyíve obviously seen the level of dysfunction that he lives in.

All I have to add is to say that you are the better person, and unless he ever deals with his issues you will always be the one ahead of him.


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#263092 - 11/22/08 04:24 AM Re: Feelings for my perp [Re: Grunty1967b]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
.



Edited by king tut (11/22/08 07:34 PM)
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"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#263093 - 11/22/08 05:45 AM Re: Feelings for my perp [Re: ttoon]
steveb121 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Swindon, UK



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#263114 - 11/22/08 09:38 AM Re: Feelings for my perp [Re: steveb121]
des6263 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/15/06
Posts: 137
Loc: midwest, US
I too was abused by my brother. I was sitting here thinking about it, I too have feelings for my brother. But as I thought about it I realized they are programmed feelings. "He's my brother, I have to love him" As I thought about it I realized I do not have any good memories of my brother. Any interaction between us ended in emotional, physical or sexual abuse. I cannot think of one instance from my childhood that involved my brother that I can honestly say, "that was a good time!" There were elements that were good but they always turned bad some how. As an illustration of his emotional abuse, My Mom died about 3 1/2 years ago of a stroke. All of my brothers and sisters (I am #5 of 6 kids) were gathered in her hospital room as she lay in a coma, I sat beside her holding her hand and caressing her arm knowing that even though she was in a coma it would give her comfort. Everyone else seemed to behave as if she weren't there. Any ways, a few months later the brother who abused me told me he thought that was nice the way I comforted my Mom. His abusive ways were so ingrained that I held my breath waiting for the "zinger" the "put down". It never came, it was the first real compliment I ever received form him, I didn't know how to react. This all happened before his abuse was exposed, we have not had any contact for about 2 years now. I had told him that if he was able to admit that what he did was abuse(boys being boys is what he calls it), make a sincere apology and get into counseling then maybe we could build a relationship. I no longer care if that happens and don't want to build a relationship. He is just a person that shares a genetic code.
I guess my point is this post made me examine my real feelings for my brother rather than just accept the programming. Thanks you for the post. And sorry if I rambled!

David

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#263152 - 11/22/08 12:32 PM Re: Feelings for my perp [Re: sportinrucks]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: sportinrucks
Im starting to feel like my perp was the right one like he has to be doin something right for he is married and has kids and im struggling to get by I start to feel like hes doing something right and Im the wrong person.


It's just amazing how in this culture that worships material/socioeconomic success as the worth of a person has a victim of child abuse feeling inferior to his abuser.

I have not and hopefully never will have any knowledge of any of my perps as far as what/how they are currently doing, but if I were to find out that any of my abusers are now living in posh circumstances, I'm sure I would feel like that too-- with me living on top ramen the last week of every month.

One of the things I have worked on is freeing myself from the mindset my culture has conditioned me to have about materially well off people being automatically superior to me.

It's taken a lot of work but I have made progress.

It makes me smile sometimes to think of a couple times when I totally threw someone into cognitive dissonance by not showing any sign whatever of being impressed by their wealth.

Of course, once their bragging gets all but completely ignored, they then resort to trying to turn the spotlight on my failures instead..asking things like..."So what are you doing with your life?" or some such question.

I say "Living." And they start working on getting the conversation around to how much money I make, and that's about the time I just start just getting plain hostile.

It's like..

Them: "So ...your an artist. ...You make pretty good money doing that?"

Me: "So....how many times to I have to flush to make you go away?"

I don't have a problem with people having money, but the ones who have that need to fixate on it as proof of their superiority get on my nerves real fast!

I suppose that's part of the reason I don't have affluent friends...so few seem to be able to get over themselves.

But what that shows me is that having stuff must really not be all that gr8! I mean I'm sure it's nice in a lot of ways, but if people who have all that still feel so insecure that they have a compulsive need to lord it over those less comfortable, and constantly remind everyone how successful they are, then they clearly still have serious problems.

What I have, if I'm not currently using it in some way, just sits there but what I am is always in my face and I wud much rather be working on that than the nice shiny stuff that sits there and maybe impresses those who are duped by the consumerist definition of success.


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