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#262639 - 11/19/08 07:37 AM re cosmic post in male forum
kgm Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 39
Loc: usa
i just wanted to say u did the right thing in reporting the abuse. dh went thru the same thing in his family. it was his uncle. denial was hard on him 2. he stays away from them now. how can u heal if there are people that aint going to help u but hurt u. it is hard by the hoilidays with all of the big happy familys on tv. we all want that but if it aint real happy what is it. we 2 had to look out for our boys. be honest with the kids it is 4 ther own good. speaking up takes away abusers power.

-k


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#262646 - 11/19/08 08:27 AM Re: re cosmic post in male forum [Re: kgm]
cosmic Offline


Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 9
Loc: United Kingdom.
I am assuming this is a response to my post, not sure why its on family and friends, but if it is for me thankyou very much, reading this helps me to clarify a decision i need to make. Things are a bit muddled at the moment. I need to speak to my kids again, properly,they have to know for their and their kids sake. I may die tomorrow and i cannot think the abuse may go on at a later date without me saying something or warning my children in a way that it sinks in.

Thankyou

KGM.


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#262647 - 11/19/08 08:28 AM Re: re cosmic post in male forum [Re: kgm]
cosmic Offline


Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 9
Loc: United Kingdom.
and your right, how can i start the healing process again if i keep holding on to those which are hurting me. smile


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#262665 - 11/19/08 10:00 AM Re: re cosmic post in male forum [Re: cosmic]
kgm Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 39
Loc: usa
cosmic:
i had to post here bcause of the rules that only male surv. post/respond on certain forums on ms. i would pers. message u but that is blocked. your kids do come 1st. i ask myself ? if someone were strong enough to step in & do the same years ago with dh's uncle it would have saved dh a lot of grief. our kids hav suffered from this 2 sort of a fall out bcause dh is angry. i feel sad taht u were not supported when telling the truth. dh wasn't either. it hurts. u just want so much to be supported but it is much easier 4 those to just deny. i sometimes think about how we are who we choose to fill up with. if we hang wi those that tear us down, how can we ever find the power 2 stand up. it is not easy staying away from family. dh would agree wi me on this. but if family is hurting u then there is no choice but 2 take care of u. i used to think that famly was to be kept no matter what but if they are not good to us, abuse or do not respect us then we can decide just the same as what friends to keep if they are people we want to be with. dh misses his famiy & him staying away is hard but to heal he has had to do it. i see him thinking some times that they are who he wishes them to be instead of how they r. i feel sad that they r how they r.

-k


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#262669 - 11/19/08 10:39 AM Re: re cosmic post in male forum [Re: kgm]
cosmic Offline


Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 9
Loc: United Kingdom.
k, I understand now i wasn't sure about the family and friends and survivors as i am new to the site, as you may of gathered by now smile

You seem to be a fairly balanced and i find you a reassuring person. You are very wise in what you percieve i find also, as i have on a couple of occasions in my life began and continued the healing process of what happened to me. So i know this, what you say about letting people go, whether family or not.

I got an alcohol problem at one time and fought to better that. But it mean't me moving away from friends because of the alcoholic self abuse around me. I found that really lonely and i felt isolated, but i also felt rejuvinated as i was taking control of my life in my own hands again and making my own decisions.

I know i have to do this now, because although people around me may not be aware of the damage they are and have done to me, through thier own denial, i need to get strong again for myself. As long as i keep the same damaging relationships or don't change my attitude to them then i am just as responsible for allowing any further abuse by not getting healthier. See i am denying the truth as well, by often seeing what people should be like in my head rather than what is the reality. The reality in my case hurts and has been hurting me so long i have become numb again by allowing it to happen to me and not speaking back, because i have become afraid of being alone again.

Who is dh?

I am not taking Pm's as yet as i have only joined and i wanted to be safe. Its not you personally, i just thought if i post, it can be public and for the moderators to see. If its private i may not be quick enough to pick up on any headgames people may want to play with me in private, and i can't do with headgames at the moment.

You do seem trustworthy and are being helpful and i find you supportive.

My mother who i showed trust to let into my life again a couple of years ago, started shouting at me on the phone the other day, a lot of blame being thrown around, when all i wanted was to talk. It really sent me back to when my abuse was happening and when she used to scream at me. I was 7-12 years old i can remember and she used to use me as her own personal outlet for all her own shit. It was alot of a burden to carry. The sad thing is it left me with a deep mistrust of women, of which i have recently been dealing with. Things are little raw from this and at these days, i am feling i need to move on again, a lot has ended and i am looking to do some moving on.

Thanks


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#262676 - 11/19/08 11:12 AM Re: re cosmic post in male forum [Re: cosmic]
kgm Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 39
Loc: usa
Cosmic:

i'm sorry, dh = dear husband. i also understand about not taking pm's. it is better 2 be safe. that is real a good step 4 u! i know 4 dh it was hard 4 him 2 let his famly go. there were members that he felt were good but only recent found that they were part of the abuse. they sort of built up the wall 4 his uncle to be able to take advantage. that is why i see that famly can be not good at times. no way safe for survivors spirit. i can understand the lonely & isolated feelings when moving to deal with your alcohol. we 2 have been thru that bcause dh does not trust anyone. even me at times. it is hard to be in this with him. i know seeing it for how it really is can be painful. the enablers just as the abuser can be just as harmful. they will not change without help. the only power for better is within u. i think about a trail i used to walk when i was a kid. every day i would take the same path but the bridge was out. there was rock all around that bridge and yet i would take that same way hoping each day that it would somehow be different. without anyone at the park taking the time to fix that bridge it ended the same way. i'd have to turn around and start again. this thing with dh's family has always felt the same to me. it is dh that needs to change, to find a different path (fill his life with people) that can carry him to the other side of where he wishes to go. other wise he just will keep going to the same place and having to start over again all the time. i'm sorry your trust in women has been hurt. i can relate bcause i have been hurt so much by men that i too have that going on. my dad was not a good person. he would leave us more than he would stay. some people i guess have no businss having kids. i really wish your mom could give you today what you needed many years ago. i wish it worked that way or could work that way for you. i have learned while going thru my own stuff that the only person that i can depend on is me. when i started looking at this like how can i make my life better it all seemed to begin to come together for me. its like once u do, the mean people in your life lose their teeth to bite at u. that's how it feels. its hard though. i hope u can make sense of my thoguhts. i have such a hard time typing.
-k


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#262683 - 11/19/08 11:32 AM Re: re cosmic post in male forum [Re: kgm]
cosmic Offline


Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 9
Loc: United Kingdom.
K, Your thoughts make perfect sense, i was thinking about the bridge and it occured to me, that why did'you not try to fix it, rather than wait for somebody else to do so.

As i am thinking of moving on, even though it is hard.It seems you may be doing the same.

Possibly your father coming and going when you were a child, brings up fears that are surfacing due to insecurities you may be feeling at the moment with dh's situation.

My mother will never give me what she should/could of, there was a point where she put herself, her fears, her rose tinted specks before me. Perhaps you feels the same about your Dad.

I'm not saying it is the same and correct me if i am wrong, but the reason i think i had some unworking relationships with women, may be due to me expecting them to give me waht my mother could not, or looking for it in them. Perhaps the relationships you have had with some men were the same, you was not really interested in the men but looking for your fathers love and consistency in your life.

When niether of us got what we wanted, which we never did or could because only our parents could give us what we needed as children we became more reliant upon our partners because we became more insecure in ourselves. I know that some men will take advantage and lose repect for a women if they think the women is needy, and i think in some respects a couple of my relationships have ended that way also, but with me becoming insecure. Its just a suggestion.




Edited by cosmic (11/19/08 11:41 AM)

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#262685 - 11/19/08 11:43 AM Re: re cosmic post in male forum [Re: cosmic]
kgm Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 39
Loc: usa
i guess if we are just talking about the bridge at the state park (smile) i would have been in trouble wi the park people. but yes, if i would have seen the power was in me to fix me all along i would be better 4 it. i keep hoping dh sees that he needs to find his own better path as well. you 2 r wise about how my dad plays into this thing with dh. thanks. for my dad he was selfish & did not really care. dh does care he is just going thru a rough time wi his abuse stuff.
-k


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#262691 - 11/19/08 12:03 PM Re: re cosmic post in male forum [Re: kgm]
cosmic Offline


Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 9
Loc: United Kingdom.
Its difficult for me to go much further as what is happening between you a dh is so personal.

You are working things out, i can see this in what you write.

I hope you can both find the love you both had or still have or deserve.

Remember i can be here for you as you have been for me.

Perhaps i could fill the gaps your Dad never and you can do the same for my mum. Hahah!

Joking aside i have to go now, for a while, i've got surgery in hospital on Friday in London and i need to get prepared, though i am going to stay on this site, i quite like it and am wondering why i haven't come across it before.

Its been good talking to you and a pleasure and you have helped me loads today i hope i have done the same for you. See you tomorrow or soon. And no i'm not doing a disappearing Dad on you.

smile

R.


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#262696 - 11/19/08 12:40 PM Re: re cosmic post in male forum [Re: cosmic]
kgm Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/16/06
Posts: 39
Loc: usa
cosmic:
good luck and a speedy recovery on Friday. i thank you 4 your support 2. truthfully i have found peace in that thing with my dad. it was his loss. there r many wondrful people here that have helped me so much esp. wi the heavy stuff wi dh. nice talking 2 and meeting u as well.

-k


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