Today i am struggling still with things that has happen to me in my past or has had a severe impact on me in my life. I am married second time first time with a child my first and it makes me think and reminds me so much of things in my past.
I don't remember everything somethings were told me by my grandmother before she passed away.
I always felt i was nothing i wasn't important i had no self identity and that i was the lowest thing on earth or the things that had happen to me would not of happen is the way i thought i was a terrible boy.
I remember a few years ago i was reading the file on me from the children service. It said that from the time i was born me and my 2 sisters were living in subhuman living. That it wasn't even fit for animals. No running water or bathrooms windows busted out and heat forget that one cause as i was told my pop pop would give him money for heat well instead he would buy a little kerosene like a gallon and mix it with water and the rest he would spend on beer. This is my stepfather i am talking about. Of course i do remember my real father as i was told he left us when i was around 3 for some other woman We weren't important to him. My step and my mom both from what i understand drank all the time and they got into some real bad fights. I remember when one time that we were in the car and it was moving on the road when he open the passenger door and pushed mom out. I still today remember the sounds of my mom being beat on and i cringe so that it hurts. It did not matter what i done i guess i never did anything right in there eyes. We got beaten for the least thing we just had to look at them and i would get beaten. I mean things like getting slammed with the door while your behind the door or be made to sit down and get beat over your knees with a board or getting thrown across the room ending up with a broken leg and crawling around for 2 weeks with a broken leg.
My step always seem to find things to use to beat us with. Sticks boards pipes chains and i still remember at times when he would laugh when he be beating me. I still remember seeing his face. I remember one time waking up in the morning my 2 sisters would sleep in the same bed and we would have ice in the bed from them wetting the bed.
As for there entertainment they would make us take our clothes off and he would put me on top of my sister and would make me have sex with her. I am the older and my sister is 1 year younger then me. Every time i would try to get off of her he would hit me with a board. Thinking about that board today it was a 2x4. I can remember when step father would walk down to the farm to work that is when he wasn't too drunk to work from what i was told. Mother would have me strip and she would make me have sex with her.
Or if step was going to the store or something he would take me with him and stop along the way make me suck him off. One day we went over to his family's house or it was his mothers house and we had out houses at that time. I had to go and use it just as i started to pull my pants up one of the steps cousin or brother not sure but i do know that he was at least 16 or older thinking about it now, but i remember that he drugged me back in the out house as he pulled his pants down and mine i looked around to see what he was about to do as the same time i was able to see out My mom and my step was walking up the side road next to the house and i yelled for there help but they just looked and laughed at me. All i remember after that is when i turned my head around enough to see what he was about to do is all i remember. I was raped and my parents allowed it to happen.
Then i was put into a foster home i believe i was then 6 years old it was a nice home and they were the foster parents very nice to me. Of course i didn't know any better but my foster father would bathe me and i loved all the attention i got cause it was the first anyone ever paid attention to me. Then he would suck me off or just Jo me until one day he sucked on me a bit too long and i ended up peeing in his mouth. He stopped i don't remember much of the incident but i felt i did something terrible and he never said anything just that i knew he was upset with me. That is when i started to masterbate when ever i got the chance in school and even if i was in the store i would go and find a bathroom. I guess it became compulsive because it was my way of dealing with situations like when i was upset or afraid or got beaten. It was my drug to deal with the outside world i guess.
Then i was adopted out. I remember the first thing they said was if you tell us the truth nothing will happen but if you lie you will get beaten. Oh sure did it really matter if i told the truth or not. I got beaten even if i was telling the truth. Everyday i would come home from school they would ask me how i was doing in school and i would say i don't know cause i really didn't know what was good and suppose to be bad. Well they would say i lie to them at first it started out with a jar of hot peppers every night and that was just the beginning of it and i guess that didn't satisfy them cause then they would take me down in the cellar and beat me but cause i wouldn't stand still for them to beat me with a board they would tie me up to the main beam my feet would barely touch ground and he continue to hit me with a 2x4 like he was swinging a baseball bat with no mercy i was black and blue bruises It didn't stop there i would sometimes get punished and be put in the garden all day long to pull weeds for punishment Not allowed to come in for a drink or eat then at the end of the day around 6pm i was made to come in and go straight to bed no supper. My sister came home one day and was accused of stealing a box of raisins out of ones lunch at school She was punished by being put on the stove and the plate was glowing red when they sat her on the stove and the screams i heard that night omg I still cry and hurt from seeing that happening to my sister I couldn't understand why these things were happening to us. I remember how he use to tell me to stick up for myself in school that to let no one push me around and if someone would start a fight to take up for myself yeah right. That happen one day on the bus a bully kept hitting me in the back of my head and i guess i turned around and beat the pulp out of him cause he and his mother came to my house and told my dad i was the one that started it he was a couple years older then i was. I was told to go and get a bath and when he came into the bathroom father would yank me out of the bathtub slammed me against the wall with a fist slamming in my chest i was only 9 years old at the time. When i was doing home work one night and of course i was very nervous doing this stuff at home i was so scared to the point i would shake but not to where they would see it I hated to going home everyday. I am sitting at the supper table doing my home work and i had a math problem i had trouble with cause i couldn't resolve it she pulled me out of my chair and slammed me into the corner of the wall that had a metal strip in it.i had to go and get several stitches and i was told also to lie to what happen.
I was caught different times masterbating not in the act but after they would ask me what i was doing cause i would still be hard and red Talk about getting beat with belt not sure why i got beaten for playing with myself
This abuse went on till i was 10 i started to run away from home I was put into a boys school. It was the night mare that never stopped just continued cause i was the youngest amongst boys that were in the school 15 years old and up in age.
I was beaten up on and forced to do sexual things with the older boys this went on for another 5 years when i was 16 and emancupated on my own so I would never be put back into the schools
This is part of my life as a boy growing up some of it i still remember it like it was yesterday