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#26246 - 04/16/02 06:13 PM I have a question??????
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
What has worked best for people on the board...one on one or group....I know I need to talk to someone about my abuse and realy dont want to..but thats another story....and Im just wondering if I should do a group or one on one...and I heard that the more I talk about my abuse the easer it will get for me..is that true????...does it get easer to talk about?
Thanks

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#26247 - 04/16/02 06:41 PM Re: I have a question??????
Anonymous
Unregistered


Depends on what you're looking for. And of course,who you're communicating with. There are people out there who'll screw you up more than you are now. The same search-words that bring survivors to websites like this also bring predators. I've run into a few. They'll start out being friendly then want the details of your abuse. Pretty soon you realize he's not a survivor. He's a predator milking you for the juicy details while he fondles his whang. These guys are thick-as-fleas at survivor websites. As for groups I think it depends on whether your abuser was male or female. In my case,after 42 years I finnally sought therapy at the local Chapman University Community Clinic (Orange,Ca). First meeting was with a guy. After that I requested to meet with female therapists only.


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#26248 - 04/16/02 07:56 PM Re: I have a question??????
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Thanks tinfoil,
I can see your point as to the type of people that want all the gory details of my abuse, Im not real comfortable talking about it to me, so dont think I have much to worry about saying it online right now. Not in the detail I would think someone like that would want anyway..who knows...but I will be carful..thanks for the warning.....

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#26249 - 04/16/02 08:19 PM Re: I have a question??????
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
I asked the state for help after telling my wife...they refered me to a female therapist that was good with SA male PTSD...she checked me into a hospital...if you are going that nuts..hit the ER!!!! You really sound like you need inside help!!!! Do a fly in 3 week treatment here in Baltimore...for SA-PTSD...uses one on one and group therapy...8 hours a day..7 days a week...room and board...really helped me pull out of just what you are going through now! You are a survivor...you are still alive...get some pro help..the best that you can find!!! Outside help is full of predators...groups can just be hook up places. I live right over the hill from you...you are right near me...E-mail me??? Predators love SA survivors because they are easy!!! Look out!! Go pro only!!!

Eddie


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#26250 - 04/16/02 09:57 PM Re: I have a question??????
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Hi getteddie,
think you for your post...I sent you a p.m.. let me know if you get it....

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#26251 - 04/17/02 12:08 AM Re: I have a question??????
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
It is not nessessary to talk about the abuse in detail James. Take some deep breaths, and go slow. Too much too fast is not always good.

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#26252 - 04/17/02 12:17 AM Re: I have a question??????
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
michael joseph,
very true. Sometimes people try to say to much too fast and it gets very overwhelming, plus it opens a person up to get taken advantage of.

I have found that various things help in healing. These range from organizations where you meet other survivors like Voices (or NOMSV conferences) to meeting fellow survivors and forming a friendship with them to one-on-one therapy, group therapy and even online forums. I am not sure if one size ever fits all and if any one thing is the right thing. I just know that as you feel comfortable and you begin to talk about things or break the silence of your abuse, you are healing.

It is one step at a time.. and it is a process that does take time.

Don

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#26253 - 04/17/02 02:29 AM Re: I have a question??????
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
I know what u mean about to much to soon..I think thats what I did with my wife when I told her everything about my abuse...now Im a basket case....I cant seem to shake the these fellings Im having..I think I pushed myself to hard....I guess no matte how hard I try there just isnt going to be an easy answer to all of this.....thanks for all the suport as I try to come to grips with all of this....

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I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#26254 - 04/17/02 02:31 AM Re: I have a question??????
fenics Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/25/02
Posts: 25
Loc: Midlands UK
In many if not most cases survivors enter therapy for reasons other than the abuse. It is as if they cannot believe that the abuse is responsible for the self-hatred, depression, lack of trust, etc, etc. It may also be an unconscious choice to allow time to build trust before revealing the truth.

I would suggest that it is a waste of time (and money) to go into therapy unless you really want to get involved in it. But you do not need to reveal the abuse straight away or at all. If you want help to stop harming yourself then do it, and focus on that. Later on you may feel differently and may want to address the abuse. Going at your own pace includes the choice of if, when and how to reveal things. Do not do so just because it is the textbook answer.

And as for the sharks, just ignore them. They may watch our discussions but they cannot hurt us in cyberspace. Just be careful to not give away too many personal details or even addresses as some have done.

fenics


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#26255 - 04/17/02 03:30 PM Re: I have a question??????
wobble Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/04/01
Posts: 7
Loc: Spanish Fork, Ut, USA
James,

I agree that you have to pick what atmosphere works better for you. Personally, I like having other people's support in group therapy. I have been going for over a year and it's helped. I didn't want to tell my story at first but it's all good.


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#26256 - 04/18/02 05:19 PM Re: I have a question??????
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
This train of thought stems from what Fenics said about most survivors going to therapy for something besides abuse.

One of the things that really led to my revelation that I was probably abused (I have no concrete memories yet), was that I went to therapy over grief issues when my cousin committed suicide a few years ago. That event really shook my faith in how "perfect" I viewed my dad's side of the family. My mom's side is the one with the history of molest reaching back at least 3 generations.

So when my cousin, on my Dad's side did such a thing, it was completely unexpected. Since I wasn't particularly close to my cousin, I couldn't figure out why it shook me up so bad. It was like Daniel was a symbol for something else.

So anyway, one particular day in therapy, my therapist asked about my parents' disciplinary measures, and I casually mentioned that my parents, on occasion, use a paddle for spankings. They occured infrequently, and the paddle itself was pretty weak (the rubber ball on elastic string, connected to a very thin piece of wood). Since the elastic always broke within 10 min of playing with it, we had these paddles with no ball attached laying around. That was what my dad used, on these rare occasions a spanking was required. My brother and I would hide the paddles though.

My therapist asked me about it, and how I felt about my parents, and I was getting really defensive. Eventually, we weren't getting anywhere, so she moved on to a different topic. On the drive home after, though, I had a hard time driving. I was seriously shook up about that talk. What was I hiding? Why was it so hard to talk about?

A couple of years later, we had just gotten a group of siblings with severe sexual abuse. I began to get agitated over little things, and I felt like my ability to handle life was going down the tubes. When I finally sat down with trusted friends to open up what I was feeling (the marijuana helped, I'm sure) I started to voice what I had been afraid to say for a very long time, "I think that I was abused as a child."

For the next 2 hours, I explained every thing that I could think of, pored over every memory I had that all seemed to connect to this single revelation. It was like the answer had been staring me in the face all my life, but I hadn't been ready to confront it.

Anyway, this time I made an appointment with a therapist, specifically to deal with issues of abuse. And I don't think it's been working out particularly well. My Kaiser therapist from before was no longer there. My new therapist hasn't been delving very deeply into my memories, or lack thereof, regarding these events that seem very real, despite no clear reasons. So now I'm looking to see if I can afford to go outside of Kaiser.

Wow. I wrote a hell of a lot more than I thought I would. I guess I'm getting my groove back. It used to be that I would write a book every time I sat down. It was tremendously helpful to me during those initial weeks and months after my revelation. Now I just don't seem to ever have the time to be in here.

Being in here provided a lot for feeling like I'm not alone. It also has helped me to recognize things that others do, that I do as well. However, being here hasn't helped me to uncover any more about my past. So that is why I want to go to that new therapist. I just hope that I can afford to do it.

Good luck you guys, no matter how you approach it.

We're in this together.

Jeremy

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We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#26257 - 04/18/02 09:27 PM Re: I have a question??????
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
James,
Sorry you missed my point...it's just so hard to talk about...SA males have a problem with acking it out...sometimes! I was trying to warn you to be carefull so you don't lose your wife...losing part of your life is bad enough...keeping your wife seems to be very hard once you wake up to your SA. There is help out there for you but a lot of harm too...just be carefull who you talk to...there are men looking for male SA survivors for sex because of their almost uncontrolable need to ack it out.

Eddie


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#26258 - 04/18/02 09:50 PM Re: I have a question??????
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Thanks Eddie...lol....I'll try to be carful, I realy thank you for the warning..I can be so gulable at times...sometimes dont see things till they hit me in the face...lol..thanks again.....

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#26259 - 04/21/02 03:42 PM Re: I have a question??????
Mark R Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/14/02
Posts: 29
Loc: Palm Springs, CA
James...just a point of view. Various things work at various times. And different kinds of therapy/help are needed at different points in your recovery. There are some good books that talk about the differences in group and individual therapy and the different values at having a male or female therapist. "Betrayed as Boys" by Richard Gartner, a founder of this site, has a good couple of chapters on the subjects. I've been in various therapies, with male & female therapists for the last 30 years. Just know, that if one thing doesn't feel right or isn't working, move on to something else. Just keep on keepin' on. Blessings.


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