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#262287 - 11/17/08 05:52 PM My story, and I need help...
AYounglove10 Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 30
Loc: U.S., Arizona
I guess just some real quick info
I'm a junior in hs
I was abused when I was around five years old.

So here's how the the story goes

It was early September of my sophomore year. Everyone was at the big football game. It was a Friday night. My parents were out of town in California and i was staying with my cousin. So anyways, I'm at the game, having a great time hanging out with my closest friends. Pretty much any other normal Friday. I see another friend of mine up the bleechers and i run up to him to just say hello. We sit down and we talk for a little while. I do not remember our conversation, just little parts. I remember us just joking around about sex, again, like any other normal teenager. All of a sudden, his hand grasps my crotch

Instantly, I'm taken back to my old house, my old room, me being on my bed with my pants off and an adult on top of me. In a state of absolute confusion, fear, and disgust. I shoved my friend off and ran further up the bleechers. My two best friends see me push my friend and come over to me. They are worried about what has happened. I just dip my head, and begin to sob.

It was one of the most embarrassing, confusing and horrific nights of my life. Me sobbing, no one knows what is wrong. In the middle of a crowded football game on a Friday night. I have no clue what is going on and have no idea what is about to transpire in the months ahead

The next day, I left to California for two days for labor day weekend. I didn't eat, i didn't sleep, i didn't talk. I tried to seclude myself from everyone and everything. I couldn't figure out what these memories were or what i was feeling.

I kept going over again and again what these memories were, if they were even memories at all. I can't explain what i felt. It was the worst feeling ever. Then, the Wednesday after that weekend, the first nightmare occurred. I was in the same room, same house, same old neighborhood i used to live in. I was naked in my room, again with the same male. The weird thing about this male is that i cannot ever fully focus on his face. I've had many many dreams and not one of them i can cleary focus on this person's face. I gave the man oral sex, and he then proceeded to do the same to me.

This was another terrible turning point in what seemed last year to be a never ending spiral downward into hell. I didn't sleep but maybe an hour or so a night the rest of that week. I had the same nightmare again sometime that weekend, i believe. Again, no sleep. That next friday was the first time i mentioned anything to anyone. I was at lunch after school with one of my close friends. It was the first time i had eaten in days. I told him basically i had been having these nightmares of some sort of abuse during my childhood. What was interesting was that his reaction seemed to be sort of lax. He said, "oh, that sucks." That was about it. I never felt more alone at that point. I felt wrong for having told someone

A little more about me. I'm a very constructive individual, that has a lot of concrete understanding about things. I'm the "dad" of my group, meaning everyone usually comes to me for advice and help. I'm used to being able to deal with any and all issues. I'm used to being able to take care of myself and others. For what seemed to be the first time, I had no answer, and that was maybe my greatest downfall. I didn't know how to ask for help, i was to busy giving it all the time. I know that even now, i'm still a kid, but i kind of take myself to be on a bit higher moral and sensible level than my peers. Most would agree anyways.

So the weeks go by, nightmares occur, all of them basically the same two repeated over and over again. I am running on hardly ANY sleep at all. The only thing keeping me going throughout the day is, honestly i don't know. My grades start to decline, I am a quieter individual. I am not as out going or fun to be around as I once was.

Say fastforward to two months after the second memory. I've already pretty much lost the first friend I told (on his account, different situation), I break up a relationship prematurely because i couldn't deal with having one, I begin to drink a little bit more than I had used to, which honestly wasn't a lot. I have told a few more of my closest friends. The friend that grabbed my crotch was expelled from my school from a separate incident (interestingly enough for sexual harassment), my grades decrease even more. I had gone from a decent 3.6 gpa to 2.5. I go to a private prep school so grades are a big deal. I still get by on hardly any sleep. My weight drops 15 or so pounds. Which was pretty unhealthy because I just had quit x country due to injury so i was already under a weight that i'd consider healthy.

I remember one night I had one of my friends stay over. He was aware of my dreams and my issues. He had stayed over plenty of times before during this period of time, and each night he was there, oddly i was able to sleep through the night decently enough. He and i were, still are, very close. But there was one night when i had a nightmare while he was there. He woke me up out of it and i punched him in the face. I felt really bad because it was just a reaction i guess. I didn't mean to do it. He knew that i didn't though. He's a great friend. He hugged me till i fell asleep. There are many forms of intimacy and that was great yet terrible moment last year.

I had a lot of intimacy issues last year too, which was odd for me. I've always been a touchy feely and affectionate kind of kid. Even ridiculously so sometimes and many found it funny and part of my charm. Never afraid to give a friend a hug or tell them i love'em. But i didn't do that much anymore. I was fearful of touch, i guess because i was afraid it would uproot more memories. That is why my relationship failed. There was only a handful of people i could keep intimacy with.

The second semester of my sophomore year was much worse. I became involved heavily into drinking. There was a point where i would get drunk almost every friday and saturday, which is a lot for a kid my age. I was ALWAYS in a state of depression, and worst yet i had developed this hate to what happened. I was an angry person. I was short and hot tempered, I didn't like life. I pushed friends out and bit their heads off when they tried to get into my personal life. It was a notable, very notable change in my OVERALL personality. I quit track during preseason practice, i wasn't doing anything else extracirricular. Thank God i still was able to maintain a few close friends.

There was a point where i cut. And to be honest, i don't know what i was trying to get out of it. To feel better, to relieve some tension, to kill myself...i don't know. I was in a constant haze of bitterness. The sleeplessness continued and i would get a few hours of sleep here and there. Never ever more than 2 or 3 hours at a time. I would take a lot of naps after i got home from school. My parents didn't know what to do with me. I had changed so much so fast. A lot of my good morals had gone out the window. For instance the year before, i was a near straight A student at a great school, i played as many sports as possible. I was healthy, fit, had great group of friends, the works. And i was aware of the change, i just had gotten this attitude that it couldn't change. It was going out of control.

Then something happened. A person happened actually. A friendship, a great one, formed out of the blue. Two friendships really but one in particular. I've had these two kids, two neighbors, on my block for, one nearly ten years and the other 12. These kids are both younger than me, one 11-12 during the period and the other 13-14. Basically for the past decade we were all just mutual friends. But one day, i was sitting outside, playing guitar. Guitar is a passion of mine, but thats another story. They came over to listen and just say hi. They ask how i was doing lately, i simply reply, "fucking great". One of the kids replies, "me too". I look at him, kind of thinking to myself, ya right this kid has a perfect life, what could he be bitching about now. I tell him, ya i'm sure your life is soooo tough., He's put off at first, but he goes on to tell me his issues. And the thing is, i was, for the first time in months, able to listen and constructively think and help this kid out. I was able to clearly see the world as it was to HIM, and set aside my issues. The other kid was really too young to have too many troubles.

So we go on, and the three of us become really really close. I begin seeing them as kind of my little brothers, and me as an older brother to them. This is really off topic but i guess has a lot to do with what has happened and what is happening now. And has a lot to do with me coping with my issues. I begin to get a little bit of my old self back. I am not afraid of touch so much, at least not in that particular setting. I'm still not really able to sleep, but I am starting to get a grasp on things.

In recent months, i've kinda broken down our relationship. We have basically all three formed a brotherhood where I'm the oldest, help them with their issues, give them good advice, etc. ALl of the stuff i used to do, which was healthy for me. But it was much deeper than that. These two kids trusted me and loved me more than any other person, aside from my parents. And I loved them back. We let each know too, which was a great thing, a soothing thing. Especially at that point in my life. Nothing inappropriate mind you.

Then the day came. I had just, for the first time, been caught drinking the night before with some friends. It was a saturday night in late April. My parents sat me down to talk to me about the drinking. They asked if i had anything else that I was hiding from them. And it all spilled out. The football game, the flashbacks, the drinking, the sleeplessness, the dreams, the laziness, all of it. They were taken back. They didn't know what to do. This was the other most embarrassing time in my life. It was terrible. I'd never seen my dad cry before. None of us slept that night. My mom was a mess. My dad angry, and i felt like i had just dropped an atom bomb on my parents.

And even worse...my parents decide to separate me from my two little brothers because they were afraid of what might be going on. I think they were afraid that i'd abuse them or something. I was heart-broken. They were heart-broken. The two people that were helping me cope with everything were stripped from me. I felt betrayed by my parents. Betrayed in the utmost degree.

I went to therapy, but only twice. It didn't help. I became bitter again, angry, helpless because I was those kids' support group too. They monitored the phones, the computer, anything that we could have contact with. They never came out and said they were afraid that there was something going on, but what else was it? It happened right after I told them. I thought to myself that it was so far from what was really going on.

I know now that I guess they were being protective. They were making sure that I had time to heal myself through therapy without having to worry about them (ya right). I have a hard time believing that was their only intention. Mind you i know that it isn't normal to have such a strong friendship with kids that age, but it is what it is.

Anyways, so fastforward to today. My parents do let me see those kids nowadays. With restrictions. I still have nightmares from time to time. I'm pretty sensitive to everything still. High school remains to be a tough crowd. I keep my personal issues quiet. I sleep now, just not when i have the nightmares. I still feel gross about the fact. I feel dirty about it, i feel sick to my stomach that it happened. I'd like to think that it happened so i can take something good out of it. I don't know what that is yet. I've regained contact with the friend who initiated everything. He regained a little bit of my trust first, then i told him everything that happened. He felt terrible and that the act that he did to me wasn't really anything. A joke i guess? Not sure that's a joke but there are overly touchy feely kids and he crossed my boundaries. Anyways, he felt terrible about it, and he actually disclosed that it too happened to him. This was over the summer. We are best friends now and come to each other for pretty much everything.

In all of this, i've learned to ask for help when I need it. I'm a kid and i don't have all the answers. I've learned that the memories could have been triggered i guess by any form of touch, it just came out in a bad way. My friend is not gay, it just happened. I've learned that i still love those two kids the same as i did last year, and its great to be able to see them more often. I've learned that I am still greatly uncomfortable with the whole situation, and still have nightmares. Once every few weeks i'd guess. And i feel very untrusting of my parents for what happened after i told them.

I still don't know how to get over it.
Can anyone help?


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#262302 - 11/17/08 07:06 PM Re: My story, and I need help... [Re: AYounglove10]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Hi, younglove. Welcome to MS. I'm sorry you feel the need to be here, but I'm glad you've found us and hope you will find the guys here as helpful as I have.

First, I'd like to share with you that after about 32 years, my memories started to return. Very similarly to you, I can remember some details about my abuser, even smell and voice, but not a face. Drives me nuts.

Next, I'd like to suggest to you to find a good therapist. You might start by looking here: go to the homepage, click on professionals, then click on find a therapist. Perhaps the one you went to twice wasn't trained in the area of male sexual abuse, or maybe he/she just wasn't a good fit for you. In my opinion, it is imperative for your parents to get into counselling, too. From what you've said here, they are not dealing well with this situation and need help. I hope they can be strong enough to accept that fact.

Finally, don't sell yourself short. You wrote, "I'm a kid and I don't have all the answers." Guess what? None of us do. Some of the guys here are in there 60's, maybe 70's. I'm 47, have a master's degree on top of a bachelor's degree in sociology and psychology, and I'm a district-level school administrator who supervises the school psychologists. Sounds good on paper, but nobody, including me, has all the answers. I can tell from your writing that you are a very intelligent young man with great potential. What you're going through now seems hellish, but facing it and dealing with it this early on will really be a benefit to you. I've dealt with terrible insecurity and low self-esteem for over 30 years. With a good therapist, support of friends (including your 6000+ new friends here at MS.org) and family, and some hard work on your part, I am confident you will indeed be not a victim, but a SURVIVOR!

Best wishes to you, younglove. Feel free to PM me if I can be of any help, or even if you just want to talk.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#262308 - 11/17/08 07:21 PM Re: My story, and I need help... [Re: AYounglove10]
loberhead Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 172
Thanks for sharing. You had a lot to say and I'm glad you could do it.

I'm 19 years old and I started dealing with this abuse stuff when I was a junior in high school. My psychology teacher was VERY overtly sexual and one day, all of a sudden, I was back to being a six year old doing sexual things with a man. After that, memories and flashbacks started coming more and more.

I was already seeing a therapist for depression before the flashbacks, so when this stuff started happening I just told him about it. Actually, it took me a long time to tell him about it because I felt ashamed and confused. I thought I was perverted or something. When I finally talked about it with him I felt so relieved. He didn't take it badly at all.

I've been seeing this therapist for a long time now and I really can see that therapy helps. I couldn't see it at first and sometimes therapy really sucked, but now that I can look back on how I was a long time ago I see that I've made a lot of progress. I no longer have flashbacks or nightmares because I've talked about them and processed them.

You ask how you can "get over it". I don't think it's something you can just get over or ignore. What happened when you were 5 years old is not your fault. It doesn't matter that you can't see his face right now. The memories will come back eventually. In order to get rid of the nightmares and flashbacks, you have to process what happened and the emotions you felt during it. You can do this by talking to someone. Therapists are trained for this job, but it doesn't have to be a therapist. This site helps guys talk about and process their sexual abuse.

The main thing you should know is that you are not alone. You're a worthy person and you have friends here if you want them. I'm glad you found this place.

-Chris


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#263362 - 11/23/08 08:03 AM Re: My story, and I need help... [Re: loberhead]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
younglove,

Welcome to MaleSurvivor. I'm really glad you found us, and I know you will see there's a lot of understanding and support for you here. Take it easy as you get used to the site, and post and talk about things as you begin to feel okay about doing that. There's no hurry - do things at YOUR pace.

We have a Teen Forum here where you can talk to other guys your own age. I will enable that for you, so have a look. You will see it at the bottom of the page when your on the Discussion Board.

If you have any questions or concerns, please do let me or one of the moderators know. We will be glad to help you out if we can. If there's something you just want to talk to another teenager about, our Teen Coordinator is Christopher aka Theatrekid. He will be glad to help too.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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