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#262363 - 11/17/08 10:08 PM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: Bewlayb1]
nonchalant Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
Originally Posted By: Bewlayb1
I'm glad that you intend to be with a single partner. I think that's how a relationship should be. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm judgemental. I know I'm at least a little envious of people who can enjoy sex.

Which brings me to another point. If you've never been with a man sexually, you can't really know you'll like it better. I don't want to encourage you to experiment, especially if you're still uneasy with homosexuality. But I can share my own experience. As a teenager, I fantasized about gay sex. In the middle of the night, I secretely watched the porn channel, and I knew I was more attracted to men. Yet, I literally trembled in front of the TV.

I was handsome, but I had no girlfriends, no boyfriends. I had almost no social skills and I lived in a fantasy world. Once I was finally with a man, sex wasn't what I thought it would be. I tried to be numb. Unconsciously, I made disgusted faces and made the men I was with feel ashamed. Any enjoyment I felt was matched by my discomfort. When I had my first boyfriend, earlier this year, I could see myself being with a women forever, only because it would be less traumatic.

I guess I would advise you to keep an open mind. If you don't want to shut the door to either option, don't. I think it would be a big mistake to go run out and have sex with a man. If you really want to know if you'd be happier with a man, wait until you feel something. If it's really impossible for you to be in a loving relationship with a man, stick with women. What's the other option? Having empty sex your whole life, never capable of developing an emotional bond with anyone.

I know how confusing it is and how tormented you feel. I'm still struggling with my sexuality. Have faith that you'll settle on the lifestyle that's right for you. Follow your heart and do what feels right.


I had sex with another boy of the same age quite frequently between the age of 11 and 12. This is what i refer to as my abuse. He was a lot more mature and streetwise than me. The sex was basically him lying on top of me and rubbing his dick against mine until orgasm. I enjoyed the feeling and continually went back for more. But he began to become threatening, telling me i better not be doing it with any other boys apart from him, and then trying to perform anal on me one night against my wishes. I became terrified that this made me gay or he believed i was gay, and broke off all contact with him. I understand this doesn't really compare to the abuse most have suffered on here, but it causes me so much mental anguish down the years

I remember how good the orgasms felt. They were my first and obviously felt euphoric. This is what probably encouraged me to go onto gay porn sites. And this is what basically makes me believe that i would enjoy gay sex if i started doing it again today, 11 years on


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#262368 - 11/17/08 10:32 PM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: Bewlayb1]
NickTLV Offline


Registered: 11/14/08
Posts: 2
Loc: Las Vegas, NV
I am gay, and I knew I was gay years before I ever had a sexual encounter with a man. I don't think you have to have sex with a man or many men to figure out if you are gay. Straight men know they are attracted to women before they go on their first date - it is not different for gays.

I had many long term relationships with women, including being married to one - while trying to be "normal." Before having my first boyfriend, I fantasized about the sex and the romance with a man. But because of the abuse in my past, I had difficulty enjoying the sex, staying in the moment and not "flashing" or projecting to the past abuse. Also, having been abused by men at a young age, I was afraid of men, so when I did start coming out and dealing with being gay - it was difficult, I wanted to be with a man, but I was afraid of all men - so I avoided them.

When I read your post, my first thought was "if he is romantically attracked to women, then he is straight." I'm not a therapist and not an expert by any means -- I do have years of therapy behind me and years of recovery with a stable supportive partner with romance and a loving sex life and this is just my two cents --

For me, I can physically enjoy sex with a man or a women -- the physical sensation is there.... but without the romance, without the connection that I have only experienced with men, sex is just that -- sex. For me being gay is what is on the inside, the emotional, the "spark, the connection, the understanding, the love.

Do not discount the idea that you MIGHT be straight but sexually attracted to men because of the sexual imprint that was left on you when you were too young to deal with it.

And do not discount the idea that you might be bi-sexual.

Or, maybe you are gay and the romance you are feeling with these women is actually just strong friendships because inside you are still afraid of men so you won't open up -- but sexual attraction is very powerful.

So, my friend, I'll ask you something that my first therapist asked me. When you close your eyes and you picture yourself with a loving partner, holding each other on the sofa, watching an old movie, sharing a kiss or two and hoping for more and picturing a night of kind, romantic, passionate, respectful, gentle love making -- do you picture the other person to be a woman or a man?


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#262370 - 11/17/08 10:45 PM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: NickTLV]
nonchalant Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
Originally Posted By: NickTLV


So, my friend, I'll ask you something that my first therapist asked me. When you close your eyes and you picture yourself with a loving partner, holding each other on the sofa, watching an old movie, sharing a kiss or two and hoping for more and picturing a night of kind, romantic, passionate, respectful, gentle love making -- do you picture the other person to be a woman or a man?


A woman, definately

However, i'm open minded enough to know that what is between someone's legs does not stop you from falling in love with them. I have obsessed for months about whether or not i could develop romantic feelings for men, and i probably could, i just don't believe that anything i have to 'develop' is really who i am


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#262371 - 11/17/08 10:46 PM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: nonchalant]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
As I look back at my life and why I played straight, is because that is what was expected of me. I have 7 siblings. How could I be the only one who was gay? How could I have feelings for men when I was being convinced that I had to have a wife and a family?

Then I finally told myself, "I Have To Be True To Myself". The day I CAME OUT was the day I finally knew who I was. It was and continues to be such an "awesome" feeling. I wanted to shout it from the Mountain Tops. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am ME and that is all that counts. I have met and am in a loving relationship with my partner. I can only wish the same for you.

When you find "Mr Right" it will be for who he is as a total person The sex is just one part of a relationship.

In answer to your question. I would say again "Be True To Yourself".

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#262372 - 11/17/08 10:49 PM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: KENKEN]
nonchalant Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
Originally Posted By: KENKEN
As I look back at my life and why I played straight, is because that is what was expected of me. I have 7 siblings. How could I be the only one who was gay? How could I have feelings for men when I was being convinced that I had to have a wife and a family?

Then I finally told myself, "I Have To Be True To Myself". The day I CAME OUT was the day I finally knew who I was. It was and continues to be such an "awesome" feeling. I wanted to shout it from the Mountain Tops. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am ME and that is all that counts. I have met and am in a loving relationship with my partner. I can only wish the same for you.

When you find "Mr Right" it will be for who he is as a total person The sex is just one part of a relationship.

In answer to your question. I would say again "Be True To Yourself".

Ken


Even that saying "be true to yourself" is very troublesome for me

Being true to my base sexual needs would be to live homosexually
Being true to my spiritual and emotional self would be to live heterosexually, i think

I'm 23 years old and have never had any romantic desire for men, and have never had a crush on a man, therefore i don't see a gay lifestyle as being true to myself. But then again i know that naked male images arouse me more than naked female images. Such confusion

A few gay men have told me that i simply haven't found Mr Right and when i do, i'll realise i was never actually interested in women. I find this pretty patronising but i understand their point. I also HAVE found Miss Right, and i know no man could make me happier than she does. Maybe similarly happy, but i doubt it

If only i knew how to stop myself from obsessing. I mean, to all extents and purposes, i am more aware of my sexuality than most people. And yet i still feel so confused about it



Edited by nonchalant (11/17/08 10:53 PM)

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#262393 - 11/18/08 01:24 AM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: Bewlayb1]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
I am almost certain (also) that my abuse drove me to watch gay porn, and everything that followed...I sort of asked myself the question of myself physically. I feel now, that it was really just an extention of my abuse. Physically satisfying,but my heart wasn't in it.(with this particular person,at any rate)

I really didn't know for sure how I felt until I did some SOUL SEARCHING while reading, "Victims no Longer",By Mike Lew.

I now identify straight but twisted, and that is MY TRUTH, that I am more sexually attracted to women. But what is Your TRUTH? (and I realize this answer doesn't happen overnight).

I also happen to be in a relationship where my girl UNDERSTANDS me. My REAL TRUTH is if I met the RIGHT transexual and connected on the right emotional level,(before this relationship)...I could be telling a totally different story right now, and then there are also amazon type women...which would work for me.

(Hope I'm not being to forward at this point:apologizing upfront) But maybe, you should ask yourself, if you are turned on by certain body types?...Or maybe, the question is what type of personality are you looking for? Perhaps this might lead you in the right direction.

Please be patient and true to your inner self. You owe it to yourself to find the RIGHT person. Life is to short,to live a lie with the wrong person.
(I was married to the WRONG person and WASTED 15 years of my life,trying to make this relationship work).

Please try to find peace, until the heart rules the mind...


The Real ME (WASP)


island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#262452 - 11/18/08 09:49 AM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: 1islandboy]
nonchalant Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
I believe i'm only romantically interested in women because i'm only interested in relationships with me as the masculine figure. It affirms me in my masculinity and makes me happy. I have obviously thought about whether or not this would also be the case if i dated a feminine gay guy, but the idea is just not appealling. I am not interested in men who act like women. I would rather have a woman who acted like a woman.
And as for a tranny, that would be too weird, although i do find the 'chick with a dick' idea quite hot in fantasy



Edited by nonchalant (11/18/08 09:50 AM)

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#262473 - 11/18/08 01:06 PM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: nonchalant]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
sexual attraction v romatic attraction?

It seems we can have both with the same person..but its not so aweful to feel sexual attraction to another person...we are sexual beings...the real thing is to try to feel love and romance with someone who is sexuallly attracted to you...ot viceversa...that should be the most rewarding experience...many of us are working to get to that point our abuse is not allowong us to get there yet but if we heal we wil get there smile


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#262556 - 11/18/08 09:08 PM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: sunwolf]
Roofus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/08
Posts: 233
Loc: Utah
I haven't read all of the posts, so please forgive me if I repeat something.

From what I'm hearing you say your sexual attraction is to men, but you find it easier to be more romantically inclined toward women. Have you tried being in a romantic relationship with a man? It might simply be that you have not found the right kind of man that meets your needs sexually and romantically. I don't entirely agree with the viewpoints to start dating a transsexual. If it's the male and masculine features that you find sexually attractive (as I do) then you may not want the other features of a woman.

As many have indicated... it's really... be true to you. What do you want? What do you need? What are your core values? Answer those questions and the person you are searching for will appear. But part of that may be that you must broaden your own mentality/perspectives. Perhaps the playing field is too narrow.

Allen


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#262622 - 11/19/08 12:39 AM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: Roofus]
nonchalant Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
Originally Posted By: Roofus
I haven't read all of the posts, so please forgive me if I repeat something.

From what I'm hearing you say your sexual attraction is to men, but you find it easier to be more romantically inclined toward women. Have you tried being in a romantic relationship with a man? It might simply be that you have not found the right kind of man that meets your needs sexually and romantically. I don't entirely agree with the viewpoints to start dating a transsexual. If it's the male and masculine features that you find sexually attractive (as I do) then you may not want the other features of a woman.

As many have indicated... it's really... be true to you. What do you want? What do you need? What are your core values? Answer those questions and the person you are searching for will appear. But part of that may be that you must broaden your own mentality/perspectives. Perhaps the playing field is too narrow.

Allen



I've never been in a relationship with a man. Up until 9 months ago when i began obsessing about my sexuality, i had never had a romantic thought about another guy in my entire life. Now i constantly test myself by imaging gay romantic thoughts in my head (like cuddling with a guy, going to the movies with a guy, lying in bed with a guy) and seeing if they seem appealling to me or 'right' for me. But they just don't. I've toyed with the old 'internalised homophobia' idea but it's not that: i just don't believe romance with a man is right for me, and i know it certainly isn't what i want. I don't see myself as gay, therefore i don't want to be in a gay relationship simply because i figure the sex will be better. How could i justify my intense attraction to women if i was living as a gay man? Just brush it off and try and pretend it doesn't exist because i get more aroused by a male naked body than a female one? But i have a nagging thought that i'm living as a closet case and i should live homosexually because it's what most men in my situation would do. But i don't want to. I so need to talk to a therapist.





Edited by nonchalant (11/19/08 12:43 AM)

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