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#262263 - 11/17/08 03:19 PM What would you do in my situation?
nonchalant Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
If you read my topic on Sexual Identity, you'll see i have had a major struggle with identifying my sexuality and it has caused me no end of anixety and misery

I am more sexually attracted to men, but solely romantically attracted to women

Out of interest, if you (i.e. anyone reading this...) were in my position: what would you do? Stick to dating women? Attempt to create a romantic interest in men even though it's never been there before?

I guess seeing as the majority reading this are gay, you're more likely to tell me to try and develop a romantic interest in men, but try and be objective if you can...



Edited by nonchalant (11/17/08 03:21 PM)

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#262264 - 11/17/08 03:30 PM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: nonchalant]
Stretch73 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/08
Posts: 336
Loc: Sea Isle City, NJ
Ever think about dating a shemale? LOL
I'm just kidding! No pun intended. wink

Dude, it doesn't matter if you're attracted to women or men. Go with your gut, and when you find that one person who you connect with emotionally, physically, sexually, and sensually, then you'll realize all the bullshit about sexual identity is meaningless. It's not who you love, but rather how you love!

Take it from me, I'm a total asshole, and I've still managed to love and be loved. LOL wink

Rich

_________________________
"I was so poor growing up, that if I wasn't born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with." Rodney Dangerfield

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#262293 - 11/17/08 06:30 PM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: Stretch73]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
Reading your last post, I was also thinking along the lines of trying to date a tweener. (trans)

I can totally relate to your posts and your confusion.

This is why there is a sexual identity forum. You are not alone...!!! Please try to relax on the anxiety and misery. Been there...done that...How much has it helped?

I think I would concentrate on finding someone special...I mean after all...What does a bi-sexual look like anyway? Do you really need to figure this out? Maybe you should keep all doors open, instead of adopting a rigid standard.

I believe there is someone for everyone, some are straight, some are gay, and some are in between.

Listen to your inner self, you will know when you find the right someone.


Somebodys out there (Triumph)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#262304 - 11/17/08 07:14 PM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: 1islandboy]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Only you can answer your question, and it will probably take a lot of soul-searching. I'm in a similar situation. It's not that I'm not interested in men romantically. But I carry so much baggage with men. I often choose older, unstable, controlling jerks, or men who are unattainable for one reason or another. I've also never enjoyed sex, and have lost virtually all desire for it. The women I like tend be kinder, though they're also usually unavailable. But I feel more in control with them. I don't feel demeaned. I feel comfortable with my role in the relationship, if that makes sense.

I am certain that I was born gay, or born to be gay. Yet, my attraction to several women has been just as strong as my attraction to men. I'm still trying to figure out what I want. Ultimately, if I feel a deep emotional connection, I think I could go either way.

The first question that popped into my mind when reading your post was whether you intend to be monogamous. Does choosing a woman mean you'll have affairs with men on the side? Honestly, that kind of relationship is against my principles. I've seen, with my friends, that it's almost always destructive. But you really don't have to answer to anyone other than your partner. By that, I mean find your own path, but be mindful of hurting the one you love.

I wish you the best.


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#262305 - 11/17/08 07:17 PM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: 1islandboy]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Hey, nonchalant.

I agree with and second what Rich and island have stated above. Don't focus on the gender so much, but on the PERSON. Find someone who is your soulmate, as Rich stated, in multiple ways, not just sexually or romantically. And realize that no one will be everything you need all the time. I nearly smothered my wife for over 20 years. She's said it for years, and I'm finally acknowleging that I need other friends/family to meet some of my needs. When you find that special person, allow them a little space. Try not to smother them or chase them away with your needs. Best of luck to you.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#262334 - 11/17/08 08:44 PM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: Bewlayb1]
nonchalant Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
Originally Posted By: Bewlayb1

The first question that popped into my mind when reading your post was whether you intend to be monogamous. Does choosing a woman mean you'll have affairs with men on the side? Honestly, that kind of relationship is against my principles. I've seen, with my friends, that it's almost always destructive. But you really don't have to answer to anyone other than your partner. By that, I mean find your own path, but be mindful of hurting the one you love.



I've never actually had sex with a man, not as a teen or an adult anyway. But i have watched gay pornography since the age of 14. So monogamy is not a problem. I have no real overt desire to be sexual with a man, but being in a relationship with a woman when you know you would probably be more sexually fulfilled with a man poses a lot of questions and causes me no end of anxiety

Thanks for the replies guys


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#262340 - 11/17/08 08:59 PM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
josef^61 Offline


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 41
Loc: lancaster Pa.
I have to agree with what Stretch73 has said although i would use go with your heart not your gut of course its the same smile Just go with the flow feel things out figure out what your more comfortable with and what makes you feel good inside. You will know when that person comes along cause You will feel that specialness for that right person deep with in your soul cause you will ache for that person in such ways that has never felt before.
I say this cause for over 30 years i was wondering what i would feel like to fall in love and it did happen but not the way i expected it to happen. I am married but i never fell in love with her but i fell head over arse for a male. The feeling that i felt were so confusing and yet so wonderful to feel inside. I would just relax and don't drive yourself crazy Enjoy both sides of life.
Josef


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#262345 - 11/17/08 09:22 PM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: nonchalant]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
Nonchalant,

There is a passage in, "Speaking Our Truth", by Neal King, that says, He realized he both hated and loved his bother(perp)for binding,corsetting and...

He had taken the abuse and eroticized it.

When I read that passage it was a WOW moment for me.

The question I had to ask myself is am I revictimizing myself, i.e. Compulsive masturbation(My therapist helped me to decide I was just trying to control my past). Ultimately changed this behavior.

Or... I guess I am alluding to the sexually attracted, but to be more precise the sexually fullfilled part with men (in your post).

My point is, there are open minded women...


Just dropped in (Kenny Rodgers)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#262358 - 11/17/08 09:54 PM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: 1islandboy]
nonchalant Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
Originally Posted By: 1islandboy
Nonchalant,

There is a passage in, "Speaking Our Truth", by Neal King, that says, He realized he both hated and loved his bother(perp)for binding,corsetting and...

He had taken the abuse and eroticized it.

When I read that passage it was a WOW moment for me.

The question I had to ask myself is am I revictimizing myself, i.e. Compulsive masturbation(My therapist helped me to decide I was just trying to control my past). Ultimately changed this behavior.

Or... I guess I am alluding to the sexually attracted, but to be more precise the sexually fullfilled part with men (in your post).

My point is, there are open minded women...


Just dropped in (Kenny Rodgers)

island


I am almost certain the the abuse drove me to watch gay porn. I just do not believe that as a 14 year old boy i would've watched gay pornography had i not experienced something homosexual beforehand. Either that, or i was attracted to the taboo nature, doing something exciting and forbidden etc... I certainly had no attraction to males beforehand, and did not believe i was gay. Therefore it is quite strange why a boy who only liked girls would run straight to gay porn

I'm just not sure what fully constitutes sexual attraction. I can get an erection just from kissing a woman. But i have heard many gay men claim they also can. Plus numerous gay men have had long sex lives with women. Are these men biologically bisexual but prefer to identify as gay because they have no desire for women anymore? I've often wondered. I often used my ability to be aroused by women in the flesh as proof that i was straight. But it means very little in the scheme of things, when gay men can make babies and perform numerous heterosexual acts

After years of watching gay sex, i just figure it would arouse me a lot if i ever tried it. But i've never wanted to try it, because i have no romantic interest in men and place a greater emphasis on romance than sex



Edited by nonchalant (11/17/08 09:55 PM)

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#262361 - 11/17/08 09:58 PM Re: What would you do in my situation? [Re: josef^61]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
I'm glad that you intend to be with a single partner. I think that's how a relationship should be. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm judgemental. I know I'm at least a little envious of people who can enjoy sex.

Which brings me to another point. If you've never been with a man sexually, you can't really know you'll like it better. I don't want to encourage you to experiment, especially if you're still uneasy with homosexuality. But I can share my own experience. As a teenager, I fantasized about gay sex. In the middle of the night, I secretely watched the porn channel, and I knew I was more attracted to men. Yet, I literally trembled in front of the TV.

I was handsome, but I had no girlfriends, no boyfriends. I had almost no social skills and I lived in a fantasy world. Once I was finally with a man, sex wasn't what I thought it would be. I tried to be numb. Unconsciously, I made disgusted faces and made the men I was with feel ashamed. Any enjoyment I felt was matched by my discomfort. When I had my first boyfriend, earlier this year, I could see myself being with a women forever, only because it would be less traumatic.

I guess I would advise you to keep an open mind. If you don't want to shut the door to either option, don't. I think it would be a big mistake to go run out and have sex with a man. If you really want to know if you'd be happier with a man, wait until you feel something. If it's really impossible for you to be in a loving relationship with a man, stick with women. What's the other option? Having empty sex your whole life, never capable of developing an emotional bond with anyone.

I know how confusing it is and how tormented you feel. I'm still struggling with my sexuality. Have faith that you'll settle on the lifestyle that's right for you. Follow your heart and do what feels right.


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