Dear Male survivors,
This is my first post i hope someone has some sound insight. About six mounths ago my world was turned upside down. My best friend at the time who is gay took advantage of me. He waited till i got really drunk and passed out one night after partying with some friends. I remeber waking up to him giving me oral sex. I new what was going on because he had done the same thing to me only with his had about a year before.( although this never really bothered me because he had confessed about the handjob to a lot of my friends and that was all i really wanted, for him to stop lying and saying i started it and finally say he woke me up and didn't have my consent to begin with.) I started screaming at the top of my lungs,( If your gonna do it then do it) that might not have been the best thing to say but thats what i said. The thing is i never had any sexual thoughts about him or any other man for that matter. I was completely happy desiring and lusting after the female anatomy. All my sexual experiences with women before that we completely intense and fufilling. I had never had any sexual feelings, or thoughts really for that matter, about him or any other man up until about 3 months when i started picturing all people naked when i first look at them. Its bull shit though cause most of the time i love the thought of sex with women but i often am grossed out at the thought of sex in general now. Also the only to times i had sex with a women after this even both of them were less enjoyable than before he did this to me. There is so much more to say this boy ended up confessing his love for me in this little rule town during our senior year of highschool when he came out. It made me leave him as a friend for over a year till i came back from college. I thought i shouldn't be so judgemental but the first night we hung out and partyed again he did this to me. I often wonder why i didn't punch him off or something. I know this is hard to read but please help me. The scary part is for some reason i have made up my mind that either the experience i had with my friend was him taking advanage of me or i'm gay or bi or something

so basically, normal kid(as normal as can be). first person to touch his penis is his best friend who is a man. Although i was woke up out of my sleep and never asked or dreamed of him ever touching me or anything. I go away to college enjoy sexual experiences with women. Come back to the abuser to give him asecond chance as my friend, he does it again execpt this time with his mouth, which for some reason grosses me out more than the hand cause it is a body cavity. Now sexual thoughts about all people are scary and my in abilty to think about women as strongly as before has caused me to question. This has screwed up so much more. a I can bearly look anyone in the eyes anymore and i am clinically depressed. I am stuck reliving the event in my head now. I don't like the fact that this shuck the one thing i was certain about. my being stait.

Welcome to the site. As many have said before, glad you are here, but sorry that you needed to find us. Know that we, like you, have many quesitons and experiences. No question is stupid. We understand.

A couple of things from your post. Without your consent, either the first time, or the second time, or whatever time, its sexual assault. No question about that. You were sexually assaulted. In this you are by no means alone. I was too. Practically all of us here were assulted/abused.

The second thing from your post is the aftermath of the assault. My first sexual experience was also with a man, but at an age when I could not have offered a consent even if I wanted to. The feelings that this left me were terrible, gut wrenching confusion that can take a long time to sort out. My subsequent sexual relations with girlfriends, and then my wife were all affected, tainted by the experience. If you can, look for a good therapist to help you sort out the feelings. Read the posts here. Take your time, don't rush, take it easy on yourself. We are all here to help you get through this. This was not your fault.

Feel free to send me a PM, or to post here, or anywhere else on here for that matter. Here you are believed. You are valued. And know that recovery is possible.

Hang in there!
Jim