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#262201 - 11/17/08 08:57 AM Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me
nonchalant Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
Hi
First post and going to be a long one

Between the age of 11 and 12 i engaged in regular intercourse with a boy of the same age. It was only when i got older that i realised he had taken advantage of me, abused me, and left me with scars i could never get over.

We stopped hanging out when i was 12, but i lived my entire adolescence in fear. Fear that i was now gay. Fear that people might find out about what happened. Although i didn't feel gay, and i had crushes on girls, i still felt i couldn't be straight. When i began masturbating alone, i always thought of girls. However, this all changed when i got my first PC at the age of 14. I found myself instantly attracted to gay pornography sites and would regularly get off on these right up until the age of 22. I would say about 85% of my 'pleasuring' was over erotic pictures of women, and 15% whilst watching gay pornography. I tried lesbian and straight pornography but neither were remotely arousing for me.

As i grew up, and despite the frequent gay porn watching, i became more and more assured that i was straight. I began getting intense crushes on women and had very fulfilling (emotionally and sexually) relationships with them. My longest relationship is 15 months, and i have been in love with 2 women. However, 9 months ago i developed an intense 'need' to PROVE i was straight, and my life has fallen apart ever since.

I have OCD issues and have obsessed about virtually everything possible. I guess obsessing about my sexuality was always going to happen. 9 months ago it began, and since then every minute of every day has been spent pondering my sexuality, trying to reassure myself i am not gay, or trying to accept that i am gay. I constantly look at pictures of naked men and check my reactions. If i feel aroused it proves i am gay. If i don't feel aroused then i must be straight. This can go on for up to 10 hours at a time. I imagine gay scenarios in my head and see if i feel comfortable/happy at the idea of them. I feel terrified every time i see a good looking guy because i believe i am attracted to him.

These last 9 months have established a few things anyway: i KNOW i am more sexually attracted to males than females. However, i have no romantic desire for men. The idea of emotional intimacy and romance with another man just feels wrong for me. It doesn't interest me. I want romance with a woman. But i don't want sex with women anymore. I wouldn't say i want sex with a man, but i KNOW that i would prefer it to sex with a woman. I just feel like a total misfit. Isn't hetero emotional and homo sexual just a cop out for not wanting to accept you are gay? Did my early acting out/abuse turn me homosexual? Was i born this way?

I've had to quit my job, i live as a recluse, and i constantly wish my life away. Sorry for the long post and rant, i just needed to vent. Thank you to anyone who reads this


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#262243 - 11/17/08 01:01 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: nonchalant]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


I've posted a response in the friends and family forum.

Katie


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#262316 - 11/17/08 07:48 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: Kathryn]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Hi, nonchalant.

Have you considered that you may be bi? Perhaps you are asexual and don't really need a man or woman as a life partner. Maybe you're straight, and because your first sexual experiences were with a male, your brain/body is simply reacting to what your eyes see as something (male body) to provide you with sexual pleasure. Have you spoken with your T? Or, perhaps you just need to take a break altogether and step back to gain some new perspective. The OCD may be getting the best of you. Do you take meds for your OCD? (My son has OCD, and I have obsessive personality disorder).

I know first hand these issues are terribly confusing. Best of luck to you.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#262336 - 11/17/08 08:51 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
nonchalant Offline


Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
I am on a therapist's waiting list, no idea when i'll get to see them, but i'm pinning my hopes on it

I have tried 3 different types of antidepressant medication but the side effects are always horrendous and i will not use meds anymore

I try to reassure myself that my first experience being homosexual makes the male body arousing to my brain, but then it just get dragged back to "no, you were born gay" thoughts



Edited by nonchalant (11/17/08 08:51 PM)

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#262387 - 11/18/08 12:35 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: nonchalant]
midnight51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/03
Posts: 132
You kind of just told my life story. So much of what you wrote I have dealt with over the past 5 years. It first started when I was in my 3rd year at College after many years of numbing myself with drugs and alcohol I had come to my breaking point. I emotionally collapsed, literally, there would be times of such panic and emotional turmoil inside me for some of the same reasons you describe above. I remember one time in particular where I was sitting at my computer desk upstairs in our loft and it was really bothering me - I was trying to drown everything out by getting into music and this is also when started to keep a journal (helped immensely). I went downstairs to get a glass of water and I set my glass on the kitchen counter and opened the refrigerator, then suddenly it was like I blacked out - I had no recollection whatsoever of where I was or why I was there. I stood there for what seemed like a day thinking and thinking but I could not remember for the life of me what I was doing there or how I even came to be there. Anyway, my abuse occurred over several years as a small child I don't really remember exact age ranges or anything as my life was so cosmically disoriented from moving or divorces or this abuse that abuse whatever it was. It happened while I was visiting my Dad (I used to visit every other weekend) and it was with one of the boys in the neighborhood. My life had become a wreck from everything I was being forced to handle, far too much for a child of my age or for anyone at any age really. With a drunk Dad and Stepmother who also was into drugs and a Mom at home working 9 or 10 hour days and an abusive and confused Stepfather it was all I could do but to just soak it all up and try to push everything out of my mind. I stopped visiting my Dad because well I couldn't do it anymore - I kept everything to myself and I still have although I know some family members are keen to what had happened and have helped immensely over the years. Anyway over the years to follow I visited my Dad in sporadic intervals and saw the boy every once in a while but nothing was ever right. One time in particular, probably one of the first times I went back, I saw him and he said to me "Are you still gay?" in a question form. I took it to mean that I was somehow gay throughout all of the mess of my life and somehow this attention I was receiving and giving branded me as being homosexual. I started examining everything in my life, every action, every detail, trying to prove or disprove whether I was gay or not. It tore me apart and as you can see I obviously still have not really put it past me yet. For me, as I think it is with you as well, it was basically the thought of me being gay just did not fit right and the thought that if I was gay was just too much to handle. Wow, this is hard to write about and my sleeping meds are starting to kick in so I will wrap this up. Basically, what I'm trying to say is just give it time and it will work itself out. Don't be afraid to think whatever it is you're thinking just let everything go and walk through it. BTW back to the Journaling thing - this has helped me so much through the past 5 years of my life. I have filled 1 three subject notebook front to back and another is halfway filled, then for some reason I started to write in another, and not 6 months ago I bought a hardback journal and it is filled to about 40 pages front and back. Random thoughts, anything, whatever I'm thinking whatever I want to talk about or whatever I'm feeling - stream of consciousness, poetry, stupid silly nonsense, anything, it's just me and the book and the book somehow became part of me

Be well,
JD

_________________________
http://midnight61.blogspot.com/

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#264848 - 12/02/08 05:40 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: midnight51]
jayoessh Offline


Registered: 04/29/08
Posts: 3
I have had similar experiences as to what you guys are talking about. I was manipulated into sex with a male friend and feel it changed my entire life. For a long time, i wondered if I was gay or not. I have battled with looking at gay porn sites and straight porn sites. I have found that I have an attraction to gay porn sites because of what happened to me. I also prefer straight sites, Maybe I am bi. However, i know I will never act out on the gay feelings and have no desire for it. I am a masculine looking guy, and have found most people to be intimidated by me, which was troubling for me because I had identity issues and only recently have figured it out that my size intimidates people. With that being said, I am intimidated by women. I am scared to talk to them lol, I am not a bad looking guy but I think the vibe I put out there scares them off.(nice guy vibe) I have few friends because I close myself off. I am still trying to cope with this 11 years after the incident. I have found that if you continue to concentrate on the important things in life, such as career, maintaining the family and friends you DO have, and your heatlh that you can live a fulfilling life even with whatever inner demons you have. I came on here a year ago and it really helped me. You dont have to identify yourself as gay or straight, enjoy your life. Whatever you like, a good dinner, a new video game. I have ran my whole life, 2 middle schools, 3 high schools, moved to 4 states in the past 6 years. I thought it was where I was that was bringing me down.. Its not, its who you are and what you do with your time that defines you. Don't waste it by drowning yourself with old emotions, talk it out with the people on here or a therapist. I am 23 years old, live in an amazing state (montana) and have begun to start loving my life again. I hope you can achieve the same, but let the feelings come, accept them and let them pass. You are not going to do a 180 and turn things around tomorrow. Its a gradual process and until you become more grounded in your life I wouldn't concern yourself with love or a partner. Like the old saying goes, If you are not happy with your own life, how can you make someone else happy? I hope this helps, This is my story on how I have turned things around. I am still not fully repaired but I am better than I was 4 years ago. Just keep on truckin!


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#264865 - 12/02/08 09:55 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: jayoessh]
steveb121 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Swindon, UK
.





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#268823 - 12/26/08 06:32 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: steveb121]
oneday Offline


Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 8
Loc: pacific northwest
so many people here are telling my story. its very comforting to know i am not the only one.
thank u. smile


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#269612 - 01/01/09 02:37 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: oneday]
JDrock Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/28/08
Posts: 12
I was molested by my father at the age of 11. It was only one time and he stopped as soon as I told him to but significant damage was done. One of the effects is I am confused about my sexuality.

Other than some brief dating periods I have not had a serious relationship with women despite wanting to. I just don't feel capable or sexually dominant.

I think I feel A-sexual because I disassociate from my sexual feelings because of the link between sexual stimulation and the painful feelings associated with it.

I am now 26 and feel under a lot of pressure from friends and family about my lack of relationships. This just adds the stress. It is just hard to establish if I would be naturally gay or whether this confusion and problems are the result of my CSA and can be resolved.

So no you are definately not alone!


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#272007 - 01/19/09 10:34 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: JDrock]
Corbin327 Offline


Registered: 04/29/08
Posts: 38
Loc: New York
There's nothing wrong with being attracted to both sexes. Love the person, not the sex. I've struggled with feelings for both men and women for many years before finally realizing I was okay either way. Express your feelings here and you will get an honest response, I promise.

_________________________
The sacred lies in the ordinary

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#272035 - 01/20/09 08:54 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: JDrock]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Its a pain when at any age we are pressured to get into a relationship I was single through my twenties
I can identify with being A sexual with my inner feelings frozen
I have replayed my abuse over and over in my head and concluded the bastard showed his ugly face then fondled me setting off pleasure
(with the confusion from being violated)
then came the pain from his abuse the other end
so I experienced pleasure and pain

whilst some are born gay
for most of us struggling with the memory that a man first set off my sexual pleasure

where we end up depends on our understanding, how much we take control and the choices we make.

I explore my stuff in the forum where its open for comment
but struggle to return to reality with my family
as I am far away in my head

anyone relate to this?

Nathan 5

_________________________
5 depending on God's grace gives hope
6 my dark side , my hurt inner being my struggle
8 looking to the day of overcomming

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#272131 - 01/21/09 06:30 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: nathan555]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
returned to reality today
Nathan 5


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#272321 - 01/22/09 10:31 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: JDrock]
Dilly215 Offline


Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 4
I am in the same boat. I was crying after I got kicked in the finger while playing football. Then I sat on guys lap and he had an erection. I blame my mood disorder on this. This happened to me when I was 8 years old and I am 27 now. I don't know if I am gay or straight and I feel like I have to be gay to grow out of my depression.


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#272340 - 01/23/09 12:06 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: Dilly215]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Dilly
all this "have to be gay" "am gay" is bullshit
you are you
without the labels

obviously when you were upset and sat on the guy's lap and he had an erection you would have automatically had a sexual feeling set off from a guy
it means you had a gay feeling

what happens now depends on how you unpackage it
what you do with it

gay feeling are there

f..ck I get them all the time

but did I originally put them there
shit no

but they don't have to define me

as long as I don't deny that I have gay feelings I can process them
I can chose to reprograme my mind

at the moment I am bi

sometimes gay feelings consume me

so I have these feelings
they are within me
but I don't have to own shit some bastard set off
or put in me

I can recognise gay feelings are there
but that doesn't make me gay

will they go

I'd like them to
will they

maybe not in the short term

but I can take control
now I know what is within me

I can decide what I do with gay feelings

are they mine - no
are they within me - yes

this might sound confusing but its how I am progressing on my journey

at this point in time its the best this struggling Christian man can do

Nathan

"afraid of this thing I've become"

trusting God to make the man He created me to be

_________________________
5 depending on God's grace gives hope
6 my dark side , my hurt inner being my struggle
8 looking to the day of overcomming

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#275633 - 02/17/09 10:30 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: Corbin327]
SIDUDE Offline


Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 47
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: Corbin327
There's nothing wrong with being attracted to both sexes.


Tell the rest of the world that!


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#275640 - 02/17/09 11:26 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: SIDUDE]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
My 2 cents worth.

I fought within myself for many many years my sexuality. I feel I was pressured by society to be the person everyone else thought I should be. My family and friends expected me to be just like all of them, a straight guy who someday would get married, have a family and live happily ever after. AFter doing all of the above and continueing to struggle with just who I really was, I finally stopped lieing to myself just who I was sexually.

I was not happy with myself as the haunting continued to plague me. I thought I could be bi and/or straight. I thought it was ok, but I finally fessed up to myself that I am a gay man. After I came out to myself regarding my sexuality, my life became so much more fulfilled. I am the happiest person now than I ever was. I am Me being Me. I am who I am and I am happy.

Can a person take control of his feelings and decide what to do with them? I think so, but if those feelings continue to haunt a person for years and years, then I feel the feeling are REAL.
My life as a gay man in a famiy of 7 sibings, all straight, is not easy. But it is who I am. I can't change that about me.

One thing I can say for certain is I am no longer living a lie to myself. I am now in a loving relationship with my partner. My life could not be any better.

Thanks for listening

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#275670 - 02/17/09 02:28 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: KENKEN]
SIDUDE Offline


Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 47
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: KENKEN
My 2 cents worth.

I fought within myself for many many years my sexuality. I feel I was pressured by society to be the person everyone else thought I should be. My family and friends expected me to be just like all of them, a straight guy who someday would get married, have a family and live happily ever after. AFter doing all of the above and continueing to struggle with just who I really was, I finally stopped lieing to myself just who I was sexually.

I was not happy with myself as the haunting continued to plague me. I thought I could be bi and/or straight. I thought it was ok, but I finally fessed up to myself that I am a gay man. After I came out to myself regarding my sexuality, my life became so much more fulfilled. I am the happiest person now than I ever was. I am Me being Me. I am who I am and I am happy.

Can a person take control of his feelings and decide what to do with them? I think so, but if those feelings continue to haunt a person for years and years, then I feel the feeling are REAL.
My life as a gay man in a famiy of 7 sibings, all straight, is not easy. But it is who I am. I can't change that about me.

One thing I can say for certain is I am no longer living a lie to myself. I am now in a loving relationship with my partner. My life could not be any better.

Thanks for listening

Ken


Good 4 U! Not all of us are so fortunate.


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#275695 - 02/17/09 05:24 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: SIDUDE]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
sidude, i guess 'fortune' does play some role in it, but so does making good choices and availing one's self of the resources that are here precisely for us. ken, if i may speak on his behalf, can speak so positively about his experience because he has basically yielded to the influence of the healing resources he has found here on male survivor. also, he has attended a wor [weekend of retreat] hosted by male survivor, and has made many contributions to the lexicon of recovery experiences here on the male survivor forums, and in doing so has garnered much support. sorry ken, didn't mean to speak out of turn, but i always believed that time worn advice: 'it is easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission' whistle .

for myself, having been fortunate enough to find male survivor may of 2003, my life and healing course has redirected my recovery in profound ways.

it can be so for you as well. you are one of us, a part of our brotherhood. you can avail yourslef of the great resources here as well. also keep in mind, that there are scholarships available where there is genuine need. none of our suffering brothers are kept from the drawing from the deep wells of recovery as they are offered here on this website that is uniquely ours....all of ours.

hoping for all the best in your healing and recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#275708 - 02/17/09 08:11 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: nonchalant]
SIDUDE Offline


Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 47
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: nonchalant

I have tried 3 different types of antidepressant medication but the side effects are always horrendous and i will not use meds anymore

I try to reassure myself that my first experience being homosexual makes the male body arousing to my brain, but then it just get dragged back to "no, you were born gay" thoughts


That is correct, I have had the same feeling all my life, to hear someone else say that blows me away! I have waited all my life to hear someone else say that it is very vindicating.



Edited by SIDUDE (02/17/09 08:12 PM)

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#279876 - 03/17/09 09:39 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: Corbin327]
Bruce1000 Offline


Registered: 02/19/09
Posts: 11
Loc: United States
When I was 10 years old I attended a small country school. 1 Day I left the room to go to Restroom. When I got in the restroom, this guy I was scared of was in one of the stalls. I talked to him cause I was afraid he'd kill me. Then after he cleaned up, he turned over the trash canand raped me. He said if I ever told on him he'd kill. I became afraid of him even more. He did this again the next year at school. I never knew about what was happening, tiil at 13 when my Dad explained about sex. While attending a new school, I was 15 I confided in a friend about the rape and the next day some guys forced me into the Junior High School, bathroom and did all sorts of sexual things to me. This went on till I was 16,then it just stopped.
I was surfing the Net one evening and found a video of 3 boys forcing this one boy to suck this other boys penis. It brought back all the memories of those H. S. Days.
I thought I was over all this.
I have sought out Pschiatic help but nothing works. 1 therapist took advantage me sexually. He was a married Man.
I don't no where to turn. I still feel I am GAY. I still have problems with relationships, Male and Female.

_________________________
Our years are as the falling leaves-we live we love we dream, and then we go. But somehow we keep hoping don't we that our dreams come true on that Brighter Day.
.........Opening to old radio serial BRUGHT DAY (1948-1956)

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#279881 - 03/17/09 09:49 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: Bruce1000]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
1 therapist took advantage me sexually. He was a married Man.

can you verify this? his wife would not be pleased to know what a monster she is married to.

i am personally disgusted to know what you have endured bruce. i know you are a newer member, and i am glad you are speaking out about what happened. i hope you stick around and continue to process the effects of your sexual abuse experiences.

male survivor has been a godsend for many, if not most of us.

i'm sorry you are suffering right now. things will improve, i promise.

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#280053 - 03/19/09 12:32 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: Sans Logos]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
i have been having issues with my sexuality all my life...since i was 10 or so...i was abused at 6...i don't think i had any memories of the incident up until i started to hit puberty...i also had issues with my father figure throughout my childhood, my step father hated me, i should also say i was exposed to pornography quite young not sure how old i was, maybe as young as 5, my step father had porno mags around and i would sneak looks at them, which i did till we left him when i was 13 or so, i would study thier naked bodies and i liked to look at both women and men,(he had Hustler magazines which had men and women)...once i got to be 12 i was thinking about men often sexually,...even though i still felt attracted to girls...around this age i met a boy and we hung out for a few weeks...once i was at his house, he showed me photos of his parents who were "swingers",..he showed me photos of his father who was sitting there with a huge erection...i remember being aroused by these photos of his dad...and he was...i spent the night at his place once...we slept in his room together, in his bed...at one point he grabbed my hand and tried to place it on his crotch...i pulled away and never said anything to him about it...i wanted to do it but i was fearful...i had several incidents like this with other boys my age then...but i rejected their advances...and would try to seek out girls....but i was mostly unpopular in school and no girl would get caught we me...so i turned to masturbating to fantasies of men to comfort me.

...i had a friend who would want to have oral sex with me when i was 13-14 and would ask me, if i did him, he would do me...i said no..but i would masturbate with him ..but i would never let him touch me...i still wanted to be with girls my own age but they would never reciprocate my affections, so i never had any sexual contact with one until i was 18 when i finally lost my virginity to a girl i knew in high school...i dated a few girls on and off since then and had sex with them and enjoyed it when it happened...but i could never shake the same sex attraction and continued to masturbate to fantasies of men.

at 22 i had a secret crush on a str8 male friend that devastated me, i became suicidal, so i joined the military,..while in Germany i saw my first gay porno and was immediately aroused by it, i expect because it reinforced my fantasies..at 26 i got out of the military and decided i was gay...then things started to spiral out of control...lots of porn and sex...which i never really liked...but i kept telling myself i was gay and continued to do these things,..because it fulfilled my childhood needs.

i found my self in a relationship with a guy that lasted 7 years...during that time i developed a crush on some girl i knew...i loved her actually but because she thought i was gay i could never really express my feelings toward her...i told my b/f when i was 36 or so about my sexual abuse,..he was the first person i told...i didn't give any details...he told me he was sexually abused first so in response, i told him about me...i really cared for this guy but i never loved him, i knew the relationship was doomed...i felt myself getting more distant and would cheat on him like crazy with other guys...it lifted my ego in away...many gay men found me attractive, because i was very boyish looking, yet masculine, and so i would humiliate myself for them because it would be a little boost to my ego,(which was always very low) i did many things then that i am not very proud of, bad things,.....i finally ended that relationship,...i had one other relationship with a man after that, which was awful...and it lasted 3 years, and had the same issues then...it was only about the sex really....i was spiraling out of control, at one point i contracted hepB and stage 2 syphilis and when they treated me for it my kidneys shut down, that destroyed the relationship, and nearly destroyed me...in a way i wanted to die, and my reckless sexual behavior was how i was going to do it...i was hoping for HIV.


all my life Ive been searching for that one person that will be the father figure i so desperately needed as a young boy, some who will heal my wounded heart...but i could never find him, i find that i cannot relate to gay men on any level...sex looms over me like a dark cloud and yet i used it to try and fill this void, and i still do,...ive been a chronic masterbator my entire life,...and i feel trapped by it....i can never get off when I'm having sex with someone,...but when I'm alone i do..all my fantasies are about, me as a boy getting molested....and Ive always sought out this type of sexual encounter....i actually hate what sex means to me, there is no love,...no affection,..no real emotion...its nothing but a temporary pacifier, that leaves me feeling a little less human every time.



Edited by myboyhoodfears (03/19/09 01:20 PM)
_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

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#280092 - 03/19/09 06:10 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: myboyhoodfears]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1121
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Wow, we do have a lot in common...

PM me anytime man.

Jim

_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#331887 - 05/24/10 03:00 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: nonchalant]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Hey I have seen this post before but I have been afraid to respond to it.

Now I know why I've been so afraid. Cause this fucking issue is at the core of my recovery and is holding me back from moving forward with my life.

I hate not knowing about this and it gets in the way of my success in college. I can see my grades slipping and I'm just burned out to piece from it all.

I wish I just knew.

I hate spending hours obsessing about what it is I am or who I'm meant to be. All this shit just makes me question myself to the fucking core and then I don't know anymore. I just don't fucking know anymore.

I'm so tired of all this shit, of having food intolerences and dealing with being a survivor and being a college student. It all just gets to me and just makes me feel so overwhelmed.

I was feeling good yesterday, maybe it was cause I had some human contact and saw my mom, who was in town.

I thought I had things figured out yesterday but now I'm just not sure anymore.

I've been working on accepting myself and really trying to love myself and my imperfections, but tonight it's all getting to me.

I think with the start of summer school in a week I'm freaking out again. Sending me into overdrive OCD. Not good at all.

I really was starting to feel like I was attracted guys and that is part of me.

It's so damn hard to separate the whole abuse and sex that came with it, from what I really want. That is the tricky part.

Now I'm just not so sure anymore.

I see people who are my age and in relationships, married, all coupled off or so it seems and I'm just like where the hell do I fit into this whole picture. Where is my life. Where I do belong. Why do I look to others in the hope of finding myself. Not gonna get answers there. It all seems so fucked up for me at times, fine for everyone else. Gotta get out of that grass is greener on the other side, mentality.

Charlie




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#331893 - 05/24/10 04:54 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: Charlie24]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hey Charlie,

Me again...with the same line, but I'm gonna state it again...don't try to figure it out sitting in your apartment all by yourself. Your abuse taught you the maybe disturbing fact that you could be sexual with another male. Well, that's not so indicative of anything other than that. Go have some dates...there's no law saying you have to have worked everything out in advance of taking a girl out to dinner or a movie or whatever wink

Kevin

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#332027 - 05/24/10 11:08 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: sono]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1960
I have had this same problem. I feel pretty confident that I like women, but then again I have a fear and inability to connect with any amount of true intimacy. And I have been doing things in my life that will only make that harder and harder. What a mess. When I remembered back in college I really flipped out in regards to sexuality. I obsessed about it.

Eric


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#332029 - 05/24/10 11:34 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: Charlie24]
roco Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 3
Loc: Maryland
Charlie and Eric PM me. I know a lot about what you are going through.


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#332105 - 05/25/10 10:52 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: roco]
roco Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 3
Loc: Maryland
Well Charlie, I have a long story but will highlight what I experienced with sexuality. I was abused by my 13yr old baby sitter, who was female. She forced me to have vaginal intercourse at age 6. Later in life I was raped by my 14yr old male cousin. He penetrated me while I was sleeping. I awoke and felt his arms around me while he stroked my penis. CSA occurred several more time but this was the critical period of developing self awareness, self control, self identity and gender identity. The greatest damage inflict was to my self-sexuality. I was violated and robbed of my childhood. I suffered same and guilt. The shame of being an outcast and guilt because I thought I did something wrong because my abuser told me I would get in trouble if I said anything. I felt my masculinity was taken and I was weak because I could not stop the abuse. I felt powerless so during my teenage years, I began to look at guy that were very masculine and envy them. I want to become them. This later changed after puberty when I started having erotic fantasies with males. I was dating and having sex with girls but this fantasy kept intruding in my brain. Having sex with girls felt good and I really like girls. I was focusing only on guys crouch and penis, since this is what also aroused me. I did not want to have a relationship just have sex, recreated CSA but this time I would be in power. However, each time I felt shame and guilt after sex with guys and guilt with my girlfriends because I thought they would find out. Sexual identity confusion! I had desire for power and be came fixated on male genitalia which fuels attraction to guys that is really not about a relationship. The penis caused me pain, fear, and pleasure. Porn only helped my compulsiveness. I have been in/out relationships with men and women. I feel emotionally attracted to women and physically attracted to men. I feel like something is always missing while in gay relationship versus straight. However, I used to believe I was gay because I was abuse by a male and had attraction. I believed that my abuse caused me to be gay because my masculinity was robbed. Homosexuality is not created by a event. Some assume that little boys that are rape are gay; that is why they do'nt tell anyone. This not true. We still do'nt know. My CSA interfered with my normal self development. My perception has been skewed by CSA.


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#332127 - 05/26/10 02:19 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: roco]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1960
Thanks Roco for sharing. I think this is a pretty common issue for those that suffered CSA. I realized all the mental insanity and craziness I went through over this wasn't at all out of line given what happened to me when I was younger. But at the time I thought I was going crazy and I had not way to reach out and understand any of it. In fact, I just wanted all the stuff that happened when I was younger to just disappear. It was quite the mess.


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#335859 - 07/12/10 02:55 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: nonchalant]
lgdan84 Offline


Registered: 07/11/10
Posts: 28
Loc: California
and this time no one was able to stop what was going on.First off, I am so glad that i found this site and i now know that i am not alone on this subject, a lot of you pin point what i have been feeling for a long time.

When i was from the of 5-im guessing 8 i was sexually abused by my babysitters oldest son who was a year older than me. the first encounter i can remember was at my own house in the bedroom where he started to do and ask sexual things from me. there was no intercourse but a lot of fondling and some oral. my mom and his mom eventually caught us in the act and put a stop to it, though i was never taken aside by my mom and told what had happened. the next few times that this had happened where at his house after school when i waited for my mom to pick me up. this time no one interupted the act and i never said anything to my mom about it. I hated being there and felt scared.

We later moved to a new city after my 3rd grade year. this is where i made new friends and left all that behind. i met my best friend here and didnt have anymore fears of csa. i can remember my 4th grade year at this new school and having the biggest crush on this girl in my class. In 5th grade my dad almost attempted suicide (and i think thats why i have little repect for life) and thought otherwise. i love him very much. my mom has always "worn the pants" in their relationship so i didnt have a very masculine figure in my life. This leaves me to believe why i dont feel very masculine when people around me say im a big dude and would be intimidated by me.

Jr. High is when i started to look at porn, my friends dad had mags and we would look at them. after being exposed to this i would masterbate a lot. and sometimes with my best friend we would masterbate at the same computer together. one sleepover at his house he fondled me and we touched each other and i dont know why i didnt stop it (i think it was because that was all i knew from earlier abuse). i had asked him to do oral and thats when it all stopped (again thats all i had experienced from earlier abuse).

Now in high school i can always remember getting erections in class from looking at girls and not wanting to get out of my seat when the bell rang. i would masterbate to straight porn all the time (i have seen gay porn but i am not interested in it at all). i joined the water polo team cause i broke my collarbone and couldnt play football. i would occationally look at the guys "packages" and remember thinking am i gay because of that? never was i aroused by it but i have always questioned the fact. i always envied guys who would get the girls and thinking how can i be like that. i was always afraid of meeting girls and if one liked me i didnt know how to act or what to say. i can remember right before my first kiss with a girl another one of my good friends showed me how to kiss. him and i kissed for a brief moment, for some reason it felt comfortable (but again i didnt get aroused by this, and i think it was from the previous abuse, but it was kinda fun).

Now in college and always being against drugs i started to smoke weed with my new college friends and got addicted to it. I also now had had my first sexual experience with a girl but she was shared between me and my best friend. it felt amazing but i never got to "finish" because she got sore (sloppy seconds). A little later i finally got to have sex with a girl one on one and again it was fun, exciting, and amazing. Now that im 25 and still in college with no real focus. I have had sex with 5 girls with the oldest being 55. all of which were one night stands. except the 5th girl who i had sex with a couple times after i met her. i was affraid to get into a relationship with her and ended up cutting her off. to this day i have never been in a relationship with a girl. Afraid, scared, confused of how to act and what to say around them. i have been told by many people of how charming and good looking i am and that any girl would love to be with me. But i feel completely otherwise, i have very low self esteem. very self conscious, i masterbate up to 3 times a day to straight porn and work out every day maybe to help with being self conscious and also still have feelings of SSA (does that make me gay?).

My situation now is, a year ago i did some shrooms with my best friend (who i explained about earlier) and my college friend who i would say now is also a very close friend to me. during the trip my best friend said something and it triggered all those feelings of SSA and of my CSA. we started to look at each other in a funny way as if he knew something about me, like i was gay or something. i got numb all over and started to sweat profusely. i felt like i had to tell them i was gay cause thats how he was looking at me. i told them i was attracted to men sometimes but i also like women. my college friend told me life is like a rollercoaster with ups and downs. it has always now been really weird being around my best friend and we cant look each other in the eye when we talk and he also looks like hes about to hurl. i think he said something to my sister cause she acts very weird around me now too like she knows something, which now i dont feel home as a sanctuary anymore. i have been pondering the idea am i gay? i got a girls number the other night but i am afraid to call and hang out with her. I hung out with a girl last night and felt confused, didnt know how to act, or what to say and couldnt get the SSA and am i gay off of my mind. but later that night i did masterbate and got off to looking at nude pics of girls. i cant concentrate at work, i have a short attention span when talking to people because i keep thinking about it. its driving me up a wall, i dont wanna talk to or hang out with my best friend since the 4th grade. i confine myself to my room and only come out when my sister isnt around. i dont care about myself and would not care if i died tomorrow (cause this would all go away). I want a relationship with a woman so badly just to show people im not gay. but im afraid and scared to be in one so i cant commit myself. I hate these feelings of SSA and am i Gay? and why did i have to be a victim in CSA. I am VERY depressed right now and this has led me to finally do some research on this whole SSA, am i Gay, and the CSA. Also i am trying to get in touch with a T. this site has been helping me cope with this, now knowing im not the only one.


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#336107 - 07/15/10 02:10 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing me [Re: lgdan84]
SaberCat Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 46
Loc: Florida, US
This whole thread circles around the same issues for me. I was abused by an older male cousin. He was around 11 and I was around 4. It ended when my aunt and uncle got divorced. I never saw him again. I was so young and I didn't realize that this was not normal. I also just forgot that it happened. Sort of. I knew it had, but I discounted it as not having any effect on me because I was too young. I started having sexual desires toward girls at 6 and I was very ashamed of it and my self.

I started to cross-dress and have "strange" behaviors while masturbating in elementary school. They were actually not all that strange, but at 8 - 10 I was unable to deal with them. I was always looking for the perfect girlfriend who would "prove that I wasn't screwed up." Needless to say that did not work out.

Due to the CSA and some other reasons, I thought that being gay was the norm; that I was supposed to be gay or at least bisexual. I felt tremendous anger towards gays and myself. I also wasn't gay. I was terrified by the prospect that I could be gay.

I also thought that girls/women hated boys/men. Violent angry hate. You've probably heard of the stereotypical "Man-Hating Feminist." For me any feminism was always this extreme male-hating. "All" women were feminists, thus they all hated boys/men, thus they all hated me. Side note: when I was 25, I was actually shocked to meet women who did not hate me or men on sight. I still have trouble with the concept that women actually want and like men.

I desperately wanted to fit in, but I thought I was screwed up inherently. Screwed up just because I was a boy.

Now, I'm 47. I know I'm not gay - I've had ample opportunity to engage in homosexual sex but it never interested me. I would go to porno houses in the 1980's and see gay men there, but I wanted to watch the porno. There was no Internet and it was hard to find the (straight) porn I liked. I have had to specifically prove to myself that I'm not gay all my life. I was in the military and other situations where I saw many men nude and had little privacy. HS Gym class comes to mind. After those experiences had ended and I was older, It dawned on me that I never once had any thoughts or sexual desire in the situations.

I've engaged in very dangerous and destructive behaviors and I still want to do them. Its clear to me that I am replaying the abuse. While masturbating in Middle school, High School, my 20's and 30's I would replay the abuse. I wasn't conscious of exactly what I was doing. A few years ago, I identified it, with help. Once I realized what was occurring, I've been able to heal. I don't believe the old saying "time heals all wounds" applies to CSA. I think you heal when you acknowledge it and work on healing. It doesn't happen automatically, but it does happen.

I'm no therapist or psychiatrist, so I can't answer your question about being gay. I have such a history of problems understanding intimate and sexual relationships between men & women (and men & men or women & women) that I'd be the last person to make a comment. Definitely get with a therapist, stay on this board and stick with it. There is a forum specifically for gay survivors. You'll get it.

_________________________
"There is always hope."

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